Is it selfish to want a big family if you aren't rich?

[Feijoa Mum]

I dont think you have to be rich. What I get back from my kids is far more than any dollar amount I have put into them.

I want my kids to have everything I didnt. I was one of four with a solo Mum who did so very well with us but money was impossibly tight. There was no extras in our house and I did grow up resenting that. Not fully understanding of course until I was older but I just remember hating been "poor"

I miss out now, my kids dont. Thats not to say they are spoilt but I go without the new clothes so they can have the label clothes for their birthdays, I colour my own hair so they get a new Ipod or DS for xmas.
I spend hours baking and cooking from scratch so the cupboards always have yummy food in them.
We dont have huge family holidays so they have their school camps and Canberra trips.
Im sure my kids still think at times they are "so hard done by" but show me a child that doesnt at some time or other?

Its my sacrifice (although I dont like to use that word) for choosing to have my big
family.
Money does not make a family big or small.

[angelaartsstudent]

I think it is selfish that some people have a gazillion kids with the plan to never work again and get lots and lots of centrelink and baby bonuses. Then spend the baby bonus on booze, cigarettes and flat screen TVs and not actually bring their kids up with love and care. This type of person sadly does exist.

I agree that kids DON'T have to cost a fortune. 99% of Palmer's toys and clothes (the 1% remaining being gifts from family) are second hand. She slept in a cheap porta-cot for 17 months and now is in a hand-me-down single bed. The bed I had in my room at Mum's house! Her bottles (she was FF) were even second hand. All her furniture - wardrobe, drawers, bookcase, bedside table is 2nd hand. Daycare is exxy though, of course. We purposefully (sp) have not bought a house because at this time in life, renting is cheaper for us.

However, once number 2 is born I would like to go back to work ASAP (Becuase I am dying to go back to work, not becuase I am being forced to work) which will make things a bit easier financially....as we're on DHs income only at the moment (no CL or anything). We already have a 2nd hand cot for the new baby.

[berrme]

I hate the notion that children have to have lots of material possessions to be happy and feel loved. There are 3 in my family and we had hardly any money when I was growing up, all went to public schools, didn't have designer clothes, but we were never bored. Dad is an only child, had plenty of money growing up, but would give anything to have had a brother or sister. I would choose family over stuff anyday.

I agree with Angelartstudent that it is selfish to have lots of children if you are already living off government benefits, but it isn't selfish to want a big family just because they won't have the fanciest clothes in the street.

[Hollybolly]

I don't think its about being selfish or rich... I think its about you personally and what your expectations/limits/lifestyle/choices are.

DH & I have always wanted a big family - many hurdles to this stage (with IVF) but we're on track now
We'll look at trying for #3 around this time next year... we would prob have started trying already if we didn't need the help of IVF and its $6500 a try price tag

We're on the same page as far as wanting to have me at home permanently... we're lucky we have a business that can provide for us to do that financially... but at the same time, we've made a few changes in choices recently.

For example - DS1 starts high school next year & we have had him enrolled for a private school - the fees are really pricey, but for him and our situation, this school is whats best for him in our opinion.
To be able to afford to send him & for me to stay at home, something has to give, and so we're looking at moving house soon and dropping our weekly rent to free up a little money.

We choose to rent for now, as a mortgage would mean for me to need to work... and whilst the 'Great Australian Dream' of owning your own home is fantastic, for us, we've prioritised and Lukes schooling and me to be a stay at home parent is more important right now.

There are many other things as well... these are examples - but you get the point!

DH & I used to live quite a lavish lifestyle when it was just Luke and before 8yrs of IVF treatment, lol.... and whilst we don't live it up like we did, we still live quite nicely.

I think its important to weigh up what you want as far as a bigger picture, and find the balance... whatever works for you.

DH & I still go away every year for our anniversary, we still have lovely things, the boys don't miss out.... but we do live on the coast, which is not what we both would choose if money wasn't a concern.
We used to live in Neutral Bay in Sydney which is ridiculously expensive & pretentious... but we loved it
The decision to have a big family does not allow for living in Neutral Bay though, I'm afraid
So we moved up here and found the balance... still close enough to the city to be able to visit friends and shop in decent areas - just an hour drive on the freeway rather than sitting in traffic

Its not a secret we both struggle a little with living here, but we have a nice house and a backyard with a pool & a dog, and room for everything... as opposed to being squished & limited in a unit in the city...

Its worth the sacrifice though for whats more important to us

A lot of rambling, but hoping you see my point

[angelaartsstudent]

I agree re it being worth the sacrifice.

DH was earning nearly $90 000 a year and I was earning just over $55 000 at one point so we had a great child free life!

Alas, it is no more. Jobs change, situations change etc.

We now live in a tiny flat/unit with no money and less gadgets/toys/holidays/lavish items/fancy food and booze.....but we're probably happier. We spend more time at home together, going to parks and playgrounds and generally spend more time together than we did when we were well off!

[*Ang*]

Is it selfish to want a big family if you aren't rich?

Ok, deep breath, here goes my answer to the OP's question. I preclude it by saying that my intention is not to offend but this is my personal opinion.

Yes it is selfish to want a big family if you cannot afford them. No it is not necessary to be "rich" but I do believe it is necessary to have some sort of financial stability. If you know that you are unable to afford the basics and will struggle with an additional child I really and truley believe it is selfish to have another one just because "I want a large family" or "it is my right to have children".

I read on here and hear stories of families who cry broke and cannot afford something eg $20 because something has broken, or their child needs new shoes and they cannot afford them. The next thing you know they are pregnant with no xyz. Do people think that their financial situation will get better with each subsequent child?? Are they naive or plain stupid? I have no sympathy at all.

I am sorry if that opinion offends, but I come from a family where the basics were always provided for and some luxuries were, but not many. After seeing my mum and dad sometimes scrimping for some items and seeing the distress that financial hardship placed upon them, I have always vowed not to do the same to my children. Hence the reason why I believe if you cant afford them dont have them (children that is).

And yes money is not the be all and end all of life, and neither are lavish items. But lets all not put heads in the sand, love and affection are certainly the most valued things in our family but having the basics and a bit more certainly make life more comfortable, more easier and there are no arguements re financial problems like my parents had therefore mum and dad are happier and so are kids.

[angelaartsstudent]

I do agree that people need to really and truly THINK about their financial situation before getting knocked up again and again and again. I have known too many families who don't.

DH would NOT have asked for another baby if we couldn't afford it. As I said above...I don't have to go back to work if I don't want to, but I DO want to very very much (not for financial reasons...just becuase I am going braindead lol). There is no way I would ever have a second child if I HAD to go back to work within 4 weeks of the baby being born and work 2 jobs to make ends meet.

I do not think it is selfish to *want* a large family, but it is when you clearly have absolutley NO way in the world of affording it. It's not fair to the kids.

[onthefly]

Ang, I agree, you do need to be financially responsible. But that doesn't mean you need to be rich. There are lots of things we spend money on (with or without kids) that are not really necessary.
Family is definitely more important to me than material possessions, and I also don't think a private education is necessary. Although we're not earning big bucks, we can forgo all the unecessary things and support a bigger family.

[KimB]

I'm having #6 and we certainly aren't rich. DF is a teacher and while his salary is adequate we don't have luxury items. I'm a SAHM but I will have 3 children 4 and under when Frogglette is born. For holidays we go camping and the kids love the adventure. We still have some take away meals but not all the time but we can afford to pay our mortgage, buy food and pay the bills with some left over. DF always wanted a big family and that is what he got