The baby is 10 weeks old today, I saw the little heart beating on wednesday and I even got a wave and leg kick! I cried for my last baby who I think I need to name, who I saw dead at the last scan I went to. This one is alive and literally kicking!!!!

I have been thinking of an idea like Satya explained. Presenting bub on the anniversary of our one-night-stand. I feel like the father is a worrier, he is proud and romantic. I feel like if he knew about the pregnancy he would think about it non stop and come up with loads of ideas and concerns and what-ifsand blah blah. I feel like I have enough of my own, I could barely stand being involved in a discussion about the three of our lives when I dont get the plusses that you get with a relationship. I think that's an o.k thing to do when to a certain degree you have committed to sharing yourself with someone, but I have not. I have no way of knowing what makes him sad, or angry, or happy. I have no idea what he is afraid of, what he is excited by. I don't know if he has that dream that all of us do (straight or otherwise) that we will meet someone and with the strength of our love and committment we will bring up a child. That our FIRST child will have all the trappings of a beautiful relationship as it's history.

If I come to him when the baby is three months I am letting him know that I am capeable and happy, and that I want this baby to be a gift to him, not a burden. That I do want him to be part of our lives but I do not need him to be - that it is his choice, just as it was my choice to go ahead with the pregnancy and no-one CAN make me do any different, and I dont want to agonise over the father feeling contrary to that. If he is angry at being a father involuntarily and not in the way he had imagined, why torment him so early on? If he does want to be a father, any old how, the question still remains - why put him in a helpless position - I dont want to live with him - he is virtually a stranger and he lives interstate! I am too busy trying to organise my next job, moving house to be nearer my family, finding time to meditate and find a councillor to help me off the smokes - to take on someone elses worry whom I dont love, who gives me no other support by choice - and here are so many things to worry about at this stage - will I miscarry? Will I quit a 20 year-old smoking habit and when (I have gone from 10-15 per day, immediately to 2-5 perday, I seem to be stuck at that though)? Will the baby be healthy, or sick, or born with a condition? Will it be a boy or a girl or kinda both???!!!???!!!!!!!

He is old enough to realise that sex can end in pregnancy. We did not use a condom. If he is too scared to ask if I got pregnant, is he too scared to be helpful and kind and generous and understanding? I am so trying to convice myself!