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Thread: Hi I'm new and scarily single and 10 weeks

  1. #1

    Red face Hi I'm new and scarily single and 10 weeks

    Hi!

    I'm Uncle Amy - on account of having 4 nephews, 2 neices and being a bit of a lezzo. This is my first posting, I can't believe I'm so nervous! I've had one termination (11 years ago), 1 miscarriage in 2005 at 10 1/2 weeks, and now I'm pregnant again - 10 weeks and 1 day

    I'm a little bit lost because I'm single. I had a one light stand with an old aquaintence from uni who I met ten years ago. Being with a man doesn't really suit me so I haven't told him about it ( he lives interstate and didn't even respond to my "thanks for the bonk" text) but I still feel wierd about it.



    I'm so scared it wont stay. I've been wanting kids for so long, been living through my sisters' kids for years. argh! Anyway I'm so glad this site is available. One of my sisters thoroughly recommends it so thanks to the people who started it and run it, and to all the mums out there - no matter how long they had their child for.

    I'm going to the birth centre tomorrow for the first time.


  2. #2

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    Hey amy all the best of luck with you pregnancy. Sorry if i offened you just let me know. Are you going to tell this guy your having his baby?? you really need his support. Being pregnant is so hard and doing it on your own is even harder... im hear if you need someone to talk to even though you dont know me very well.... lol

  3. #3

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    Hi Amy,
    Congratulations!
    I won't try to offer you advice or anything because i haven't got a clue what emotions you are experiencing. I'm sure that telling you not to be scared won't help, but you have been wanting this for years, so enjoy it while you can.
    You will find loads of support and advice and information on this site, so i hope you get some support that you are looking for.
    Good luck

  4. #4

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    Wow, what a journey you've started!
    Welcome to our wonderfully diverse community
    Maybe you could text the fella that he has fathered a child when you start announcing? The child will have a right to know its parentage and if you don't tell daddy, you will likely set yourself up for some resentment later on, for not giving daddy a chance to be involved. He doesn't have to be super involved, but to maintain some sort of contact will become important to the wellbeing of your baby. You don't have to be with him. You just need to consider that he is part of it, you can work out just how he fits in later, if he wants no part, then you've done your bit and you can be done with him
    Think about how the child will feel as an adult with a family of its own and not being able to explain part of the family history.
    Mate, the sooner that you can wrap your head around the fact that life will be about more than just your interests, the better you will feel as you progress through the pregnancy! Just 'give it up' to the baby for a while...it's strangely a good feeling to give over to a little person, and it doesn't 'spoil' them...I hope!
    I am so glad you came across Belly Belly - there are many support networks, articles and links to resources that intend to give you as much control as you're ever going to have over your body and birth experience. I don't care what your leanings are (lesbian, communist, left-handed, etc!), as a preggy woman, you're among equals, cos we've all been touched by a little bunch of cells, or waiting to be.
    Have a great appointment tomorrow at the BC! I LOVE BC's.
    Oh, and Congratulations!!!
    ETA: I love your username! It makes perfect sense!
    Last edited by Smoke Jaguar; March 26th, 2007 at 11:20 AM.

  5. #5

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    Welcome to BB Amy. I hope the BC appointment goes really well for you.

    There's lots of different threads around to chat - you'll find a Belly Buddies thread for the date you're due... Oct 07? You'll find it great to talk to people who are at the same stage of pg as you.

    As for the rest of your life... I hope it sorts itself out as you want it. I bet your bubs lucky just to have you as it's Mum. Sounds like you make a great aunty so you'll be a super Mummy too.

  6. #6

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    Hi Amy, welcome to BellyBelly. Congratulations and wishing you a very H&H pregnancy.

  7. #7

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    WOW
    Thanks for all the replies! it's amazing how less alone I feel - not wanting to tell many people until the 12th week. I'm not really sure if I'm replying to the thread or directly to IK under whose post I clicked on "quick reply".

    IK - You're right, he needs to know. Bugger! I am a pretty family oriented person and I DO really want the child to know the father, he is a lovely man and I really like him as a person - though I dont know him THAT well. It's just that I had a really bad experience with my last pregnancy. I had started a rebound relationship (from my last girlfriend), very open about the fact that I was re-bounding and ALSO desperate to have children and identifying as a lesbian. I told him I would under no circumstances had a termination if I should accidently fall pregnant. I warned him to always use condoms, that my body was asking for a baby and thats why we were having sex. He didn't want kids and we used condoms. We were together for about 3 months before I moved back to melbourne, and continued seeing eachother as he came to melbourne twice for work in the following year. I was busy and not seeing anyone else. The condom broke once and in the following three days forgot to take the morning after pill. (I was working 16 hours a day, moved into a new house and looking after my dog).
    He blamed me for now ruining his life if I didn't terminate. He told me that the baby would be spastic because my genes were all screwed up, I can't begin to tell you how hellish it was knowing that I was going to be related to him for the rest of my life!!!! He had changed so dramatically from being what appeared to be a caring gentle man into a werewolf and I am scared it will happen again.

    I think it is a good idea to text him if the little one is still alive at 12 weeks. I am still scared about his reaction. Either he will blame me for ruining his life, or he will get some false sense of duty and want to have a relationship with me and be the perfect father. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be forced to be a father - if only in name. sigh.

  8. #8

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    Congratulations wishing you a very H&H pregnancy

  9. #9

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    Hi and Welcome to BB. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

  10. #10

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    Sh!it, Uncle Amy, what a horrible experience to have had It's such an emotional time, so I can see how in a pregnant state you could take the steps you did. And if the father was going to be such a pr!ck, then it's the best thing you could have done at the time.
    This time, you know you want it (having done the termination in the past and not wanting to replicate it, am I right?), so if the father says he blames you for ruining his life, you can tell him to jam it and that you're only telling him to cover your bases with him and the child, not for your own sake. If he wants a part, you tell him that you don't want to be with him but you definitely want him to find some sort of agreeable niche in your lives. I reckon it could work
    No-one is solely to 'blame' for the creation of a child - I still can't believe that some men try this!
    Anyway, just to let you know, I never thought I'd be a mummy till I met my partner. For someone who thought she'd never do this, I am finding that it's the absolute bestest thing I ever did and I reckon I'm a great mummy and I've got a great kid. I reckon, given that it's something you've wanted to do, you'll not only be a great mummy (as well as aunty to your nieces and nephews), but you'll have a great kid who embraces life and what people have to offer.
    Which BC are you going to? You can look up the threads on BC's here. I would also recommend finding your local ABA group - you'll get loads of support, no judgement and I don't doubt that you'd make friends who will be invaluable to you, especially in the early days after the baby is born. You could also meet up with BB members in your area (there are local area threads here, too), and build up a network.
    Anyway, I'm so glad you found Belly Belly

  11. #11

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    Hey Uncle Amy,

    Love your username!

    Firstly, good luck with your PG - it's an amazing, weird, crazy but fantastic experience, even if you do end up feeling like I do - a walking science experiment! But BB is great for information, support, whinging & celebrating the milestones.

    Secondly, I'm going to express complete disbelief/disgust at the guy who told you that your genes were screwed up & that this would effect your child - you've probably dealt with it already, but reading it now, I'm just completely outraged. What an evil, nasty, stupid person. & as for men who don't want to accept the consequences of their actions - well, don't sit next to the fire if you can't handle the heat.

    having got that out of my system, for the same reasons given by IK, I think the father has a right to know (as does your baby), so even though it's a challenging conversation to have, better to have it out in the open. And if you have an idea mapped out of what type of support you want from him (or not), then it might make the conversation a little easier - cos he'll probably be a bit stunned at first, so it might take a little while to digest.

    But anyway, best of luck with it all

  12. #12

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    Congratulations. I look forward to sharing your pregancy journey with you.
    Have you started a pregancy journal on bellybelly?

  13. #13

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    What is an ABA group?

    What fantastic advice, I think Ireally need to be organised with responses/replies to questions. I have gone through loads of different scenarios in my head, which has been helpfull,but I think I might start writing them down so I dont go ga-ga-blank-der-ummm when confronted in conversation.

    Janno 27 it was so therapeutic to hear you and IK call him norty names. I really loved that. He was a fool and I so hope this other father doesn't turn into such a monster - but it's really hard to imagine someone being MORE caunty than the last one, having had that experience I think I'll be much better prepared. That and me and this fella have no real previous 'relationship'. I'll be reading your replies for focus and encouragment over the next few days, I have a little time off work (3 days) which is time emough to work out some strategies.

    I am finding this so helpful because I am usually so emotional and broken when I finally ask for help from my sister, that when I am consulting her I am usually in desperation and not in the mood to take controll of the situation, I am usually just wanting to shrivell from life and be a puddle of snot in her arms. This way I am at home in private, if things get me a bit emotional I can get up and do the washing and come back later.

    Lovn it!

  14. #14

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    Congratulations Amy...Wishing you a H&H pregnancy!

  15. #15

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    ABA is the Australian Breastfeeding Association - there's a website you can look up, there should be a link on this site to it somewhere, too. It's been invaluable to me. I was lucky enough to be subscribed by DP's aunt and uncle, but recently resubscribed myself because I can't imagine being a mummy without my Booby Club and Booby Friends now! It's a fantastic organisation and you don't even need to be a subscriber to go to meetings or call a counsellor (but it would be nice!). The thing is, it's local people, so you have people nearby to draw upon when the going gets tough.
    Sounds like you're going a good way about this - great that you have some space and time to think, too. It's good practice now to use your emotions constructively, because you'll be of very little use to a small baby if you curl up in a corner after letting everything run away from you unaddressed! But the curling up to your sister bit sounds like it's a luxury you've had to date, and it sounds like you know it's time to be the mummy And I think your sister will be there anyway, should you still need a good curl up!
    You may not want a partner involved, but you have got gold there with your family. Life is more than just about you now, and it can be a scary thought, but it should be more a thought that puts things from the past into a neat little place. Lots of things start to make sense when your preggers - you may think you're going batty (and in some instances, that might be true!) but I know a lot of women, myself included, who achieve moments of lovely clarity.
    Pregnancy will take you to some cool places in your head and heart, so feel free to share that with us, and with your 'Due in October' thread!

  16. #16

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    Thank-you IK, sounds like I have some great stuff to look forward to, the ABA sounds bizarre to me now, but i'm sure it will be a great source of information and laughs! Crossing my fingers and legs now the little one will be born. Will keep in touch!

    Thanks again, Uncle Amy

  17. #17

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    Congratualtions Amy,

    I wish you all the best. I can't blame you for wanting to wait a while to tell people, and I'm sorry to hear about that other experience you had. Fingers crossed this one won't be bad. I do agree he needs to know so he can make up his own mind. If he doesn't want to be involved I guess that's his choice.

    But none the less you will always be able to find people out there that are hear to listen and support you.

  18. #18

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    Sorry, I should have clarified, Booby Club and Booby Friends is a term I coined for myself to refer to my ABA meetings! Every fortnight my local group meets and I tell DP I've been to Booby Club...it's just easier to say and he knows what I mean!
    Yeah, it seems bizarre for now, but probably at about week 30 would be a good time to look into it, to have information before the birth, rather than scrambling for resources and help if you run into BFing problems. Even if you don't have problems with feeding, it's still a good little network to have, especially if you don't have partner support. I LOVE my Booby Club

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