Pregnant at 20 and fiancé is unsure about keeping the baby ?

[shazzi]

Miss M - my husband was 39 when we got pregnant, we were trying and he still freaked out and was really uninterested for most of the pregnancy. It really hurt as he was not sure he ever wanted children and I convinced him to. It all changed when DD was born. He was smitten. I know your situation is very different, but it is early days. Hopefully he will talk to you soon about it and you can ask him about what he is most worried about. How does he think being 'immature' is going to impact on parenting? What does he mean by it. I think immature is often another word for selfish (at least in my personal experience). My DH still goes out heaps, we still socialize heaps (but in different ways) and have just gotten better at budgeting. DH is still immature and selfish even at his age, and it does cause a lot of issues for us i must admit.

I hope he will open up and talk soon and then you can work out what is best for you and the belly baby.

[MummyDeb]

aww thats no good, where abouts in Qld is your mum? I live just north of Brisbane

I'm sure your mum will be there for you, I know I would be for my daughter... and I know all the girls on here would do the same.... Please keep intouch with us and let us know how you go...Other then family have you got any close friends?

[Miss.M]

My mum lives in hervey bay which is a real nice spot I wanted to move there once my fiancée finished his apprenticeship which would be the end of this year bit he doesn't even want to do that... And he's heaps worried about how would we pay off our cars and save for a house and all that if I had the baby ?

[mummajj]

like all the previous posters have said. you really will make it work. when i fell pregnant, i was having nothing but the best for my baby. and spent a fortune. but now i realise none of that even matters. a baby doesnt care about fancy nursery furniture or designer clothes (and lets face it,all the clothes get puked on anyway),and so will yours lol. all your baby will need is your love.
good luck with your decision hun. trust your instinct.

[Jellybean29]

My mum lives in hervey bay which is a real nice spot I wanted to move there once my fiancée finished his apprenticeship which would be the end of this year bit he doesn't even want to do that... And he's heaps worried about how would we pay off our cars and save for a house and all that if I had the baby ?

Most car loans are only 5 years so by the time the bubs is ready for school and costing more than you should have them done. Thats how I feel about our 25k personal loan anyway, we only got it beginning 2010 and its a 5yr one. If you don't have a mortgage than you are in a better position already, rent is cheaper than a mortgage, and saving for a house can wait till maybe bubs is in school and you can work more?

Your fiancée sounds a little selfish to me also ..... jst based on what you've said.
As others have said, follow your gut, the decision is yours, not your fiancée's to make. If you decide to go through with it and the fiancée walks out, remember you don't have to do it alone, everyone on bellybelly will support you and i'm sure your Mum will too. I was petrified of breaking the news to my Mum because she'd been so vocal about us waiting to have kids till we were financially ready, but in the end she is crazy for baby and crocheting him cardigans and spoling him and he isn't even out of my belly yet! Her reaction was "well your a big girl now, you will find a way to make it work" (i'm 24 btw i think it says so in my sig), and "hundreds of thousands of people make it work, you can to." Which was not what I was expecting at all out of her! So you never know until you tell her.

[charliebear]

IT sounds like you're in a really difficult situation, have you considered seeking professional advice and counselling? Your partner sounds scared and not ready, and to be fair to him, he is only 19 and maybe it's better that he's honest with you than he tells you it's all fine then runs for the hills when it's too hard for him. I know you're not much older, but you sound ready for this, and based on what you're saying he isn't.

I fell pregnant about 6 months into my relationship with my husband. He behaved very badly, I had a termination of pregnancy and I was very sad about it for some years. But we've now been together for 8 years and we have a wonderful 3 and a half year old son. I'm very happy and I have no regrets.

Having a child when you're ready is a lovely thing and I had a really easy time of it. Having one when you're not ready is a huge strain on relationships and on people. Babies are hard work. I'm not trying to dissuade you from the course you've chosen, I just want you to be damned sure that you know what you're getting into because parenting usually involves long hours with no break, not even to go to the toilet! It's true that babies don't cost much, but it's also a bit simplistic, because I can tell you I would have a lot more money if I was working instead of caring for my son! The only new clothes I have are from op-shops and they don't fit right. And I'm not complaining because I went into this with eyes wide open. I hope you keep your eyes wide open when you are making your decisions on where to live and who to share your life with and whether you are ready for the commitment of parenthood.

I don't envy your situation, it sounds really difficult. Best wishes for you and those around you.

[Miss.M]

So I told my mum this morning. And she was a bit disappointed but said that she supports my decision no matter what and that there is always a place for me in qld for me and the baby.
so that makes me feel alot better aboit things I just need to tlk to the fiancée more and find out what's going through his head and yeah work things out from there...
You have all been a great help and I take everyone of your comments into consideration.
Thank you

[raffy]

Hi miss m

Firstly congratulations. I fell pregnant with ds at 19 and my DF completely freaked out, but the second he saw that little blob in an ultrasound he was in love. I hear about this happening a lot to where men get scared and then are back on the scene as soon as the baby is born so stay positive, it will work out. As for finacially, eBay is fantastic, and so is layby!! Not to mention things like baby showers and presents haha you will be fine and your DF will come around, hey mine did and now we are expecting baby number 2 and we are only 21. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to chat or vent. Everything is going to be ok

[Jellybean29]

So I told my mum this morning. And she was a bit disappointed but said that she supports my decision no matter what and that there is always a place for me in qld for me and the baby.
so that makes me feel alot better aboit things I just need to tlk to the fiancée more and find out what's going through his head and yeah work things out from there...
You have all been a great help and I take everyone of your comments into consideration.
Thank you

Thats good news, Mums are awesome All the best and I forgot to say before, Congratulations!

[RainbowBrite]

Congratulations!
I am glad to hear your mum is there for you...sounds like you really need the support.
Maybe your bf just needs some time to get used to the idea of being a dad...it can be daunting.
I fell pregnant at 20 also...my BF was a little scared for a while but quickly fell in love with my growing bump and with our daughter when she was born. We didn't have much but we got through with buying 2nd hand and scouring op shops (no ebay back then :LOL
She is now a beautiful, happy, healthy and smart 16 year old

[LionsandBears]

It's a tough decision to make. It sounds like you want to keep the baby. Things to consider include, if you choose to terminate, can your relationship survive that or would the grief/ regret be too much? Some relationships can survive especially if it's a mutual decision. Others don't.

Alternatively, can your relationship survive you having the baby? Whilst babies can be cheap, they're hard work and that stress can be too much for shaky relationship especially if one person didnt want to have a child yet. Can you do it alone? What kind of support can you get from your Mum and her bf? Will your df want access? Are you prepared for chasing child support for the next 16-18 years? Remember, if you have a child together you have a permanent connection even if you end up despising each other.

How will you as a single mum or you as a couple deal with things if something goes wrong and say you lose the baby or the child gets sick or has special needs? Can you handle a pregnancy yet? Some women have easy pregnancies, others end up on bed rest or with serious health issues.

All these things can and do happen. I suggest talking to a counsellor or having a more in depth talk with your Mum about how you can handle the nitty gritty. Sorry if this seems harsh but I think it's important to understand as much as you can before making such an important decision.

[willow5]

Glad to hear your mum is there for you! It will work out for the best whatever happens and whatever you choose.

[turtleschell]

easy peasy, when i was pg DH didn't even had a job and I was only part time. We also have no parental help. Anyway we manage fine. People have this illusion that babies cost heaps. Only if you want them to! Sales and second hand goods make it so easy. Good luck!

[nothing2lose]

Babies are cheap. Children are expensive!

[Dansta]

Miss M, darlin' it works out.
i fell with my first at 19. - Dh and I had been engaged about a month and a bit. yep it was a shock. but we've now got two bubba boys (my eldest is 2) and we're manageing. is it easy? nope. is it worth it? beyond words. no amount of money would make me change the place we are at now. yes $$ is tight. but we manage.

as for nice things. they come later. DH and I have been given hand me downs, stuff from PIL's friends and our friends. its part of having kids i guess the whole pass it on idea comes into play. at the end of the day its you and your DF's baby. your MIL can take her nose right out of it. yes its under her roof. but if need be you can change that.

I wish you the best of luck and a happy and healthy nine months. if you need to chat to some one you can (i think??) PM me take care.

[*Sparklez*]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

Now to the topic lol.. I think your situation isnt easy and i can see the ups and downs this will bring.
I had my 1st at 16 and 2nd at 17 and while i had the best relationship, my xdh cheated and we seperated. Not due to children but due to him being stupid and selfish..
If this is what you want and are head strong on this, then i say good on you. age is not a factor its what your willing to do and not do to protect,love and nurture this child till the day you die. No one is ever ready for a child, in saying that i mean until you do it and experience it you never really know what parenthood is about, the ins and outs arent always pretty.
but in saying that its the most beautiful and warm experience you will ever ever have in your life, this is what will show you what real love and compassion is..
I believe if you are willing to always be put last and always give and not expect anything in reurn then go for it.. but dont turn a blind eye and think that its the easiest thing in the world. Be prepared for the the bad the ugly and the beautiful.!!
I think your partner is scared and is maybe thinking of the what if's instead of the what is.. itms? for that i cant fault him
I think you need to sit and talk about this seriously, and figure out what you both want and go from there. it wouldnt be easy having constant negatives arounf you both. Isnt going to make it easier to see the good.
If he isnt ready and you are really ready to be a mum then you need to know where you stand now instead of later, because it wont be any easier nor be better.
You are going to need support and stress is a bad factor in pregnancy and for the baby.
You sound like you have alot of support from your parents (mum) and thats great, its hard enough being a single parent without having that added support if needed.
Just remember what ever you guys decide, and what ever you decide its your choice, its your body and no one can ever make you do something you dont want to...
Keep your chin up and stand your ground on your decisions and make sure that you are doing whats best for you and no body else..

P.s im not talking you out of having a baby im actually on your side just thought id add that so you dont thinkim ganging up on you..

[Monkeysmum]

Hi

Firstly Congratulations.

Secondly you will be able to do it.

When i first found out i was pregnant i was not working (just got laid off) and my partner was only working as a causal.

Anyway i went to the doc's the next day (walk in bulk billed clinic) and got a blood test done which took about 3 days to get back and said i was 7-8wks (at this stage we were positive that we were going to terminate the baby as we knew we had no money and we were only renting).
When i found out how far along i was the doc said i should have an ultrasound just so he could clarify just how far along i was as the blood test was not clear as he could hope So a couple of days later i went to have an ultrasound and it turned out i was actually 13 wks so straight after i had the ultrasound i went back to the doctors and he explained what i could to (apparently i could still have a termination but the chances of conceiving were low and i always wanted children just not this young.)

I was in such shock i could hardly speak or do anything we didn't even tell my parents or my partner's parent's till i was 15 wks because we were so scared of what they would say but they were great they were so happy for us and even help us make a nursery and helped with buying clothes cot linen and a couple of toys (we got a cot from family and lots and lots of clothes from friends and dp's father made a change table and a chest of draws.) and as pp as stated that if you can bf is free and cloth nappies are really good (we use disposables we didn't like the thought of cleaning pooing nappies i know that a bad reason but we just could not do cloth).

Also check out your nearest Op shop (salvo's vinnies etc) as they have great stuff in there for really good prices.

Please don't stress to much and don't forget we live in a very lucky country where we have centrelink to help us i am sure you will be able to get the baby bones and either family tax benefit A or B or both best idea to either ring up centrelink or go to your closest Customer Services Centres and have a talk to them about how you are pregnant and how you would like to apply for the BB and FTB A or B.

also might be a good idea to call up your closest hospital when you get your blood test back (the one you want to birth at) and tell that you are pregnant (and how far along you are when you get the test) and try to get an app with a midwife as soon as you can.

Good Luck hope you have a healthy pregnancy .

[Miss.M]

Ok so finace has decided he wants to keep our baby! superr excited and his family supports our decision and said we can live undertheir roof till we've saved enough money to buy a house ...
Now all I have to do it wait for my doctors app to see how far along I am....