DH doesn't seem "thrilled"

[Cass72]

I was hoping that there was a thread on this already but I guess I'm the only one in this particular boat at the moment.....

I love my DH with my whole heart - he is a kind, caring, loving and supportive partner. I have no doubt of how he feels about me. It's just that, he doesn't seem to be as happy about this pregnancy as I am. It's distressing when friends and family say, oh DH must be so excited, I just shrug and say, yes we are.

Bit of background, he has two kids from a previous marriage and I have a son from a previous relationship. We had talked about having more kids and he always said that he wouldn't mind, he loves kids and being a dad. We ended up going through ICSI IVF (as he had had a vasectomy) which was successful on the first cycle. He was great throughout and made sure I was okay even ringing the nurses at the clinic when I was having an emotional blow-out to make sure it was "normal".

While he's been great in buying things (he found the cot and the pram) he doesn't mention the baby at all. It feels like he's trying to shut out the fact that I'm pregnant. It's little things, like avoiding touching my belly that hurt the most. People ask have we thought about names and I say oh that's something we are keeping to ourselves. The truth is we don't discuss it at all. He's away with work at the moment and I try to talk to him about the baby, that I've felt it move or something like that and I don't get a response. I feel like I've forced him into something he didn't really want and he's just trying to be as supportive as he can.

My other (possibly most irrational) fear is that he's already witnessed his first child being born (and his second and third - who sadly passed away as a baby) and isn't excited because he's been through it all before.

So there it is... possibly the ravings of a hormonal pregnant woman... I had to tell someone and can't bring myself to discuss it with someone close to me for fear of them judging him.

[STARRYSKY]

hi there, while reading your post, it bought back a lot of memories from my pregnancy, our circumstances are very different and I was wondering if I should reply when I got to the part where you mentioned his 3rd child had passed as a baby.
I had a missed MC with my first pregnancy which understandably was devastating to dp and I, I didnt think it affected dp so much until I was pregnat with Jacob. He didnt want to bond with my bump, was completely dis interested in the pregnancy as a whole, refused to discuss names or buy things. He wouldnt have evn let me tell people I was pregnant, we did at 16 weeks, but he actually said that he would have felt better not telling anyone till he was born!
Im pretty sure that his behaviour was his only way of coping just in case something went wrong again, he was soooooo excited when I first found out I was PG, and we told everyone very early.
is it possible that your DH is being a bit distant due to the sadness of his last child passing so early ? I dont know the circumstances of course, it just seemed to strike a chord with me.
I hope he comes around eventually, my dp did, the minute our son was born.
xx

[Cass72]

Thank you so much for your reply. That had crossed my mind about him losing a baby (she was only around 6 months old) as his previous marriage pretty much went downhill at a rapid rate after that (there were other factors, this just added to it). It's just hard to get men to open up sometimes I guess.

[Ginger]

hi cass
my dh showed no interest whatsoever in either of my pregnancies. he never wanted to touch my belly or see them kick. he never wanted to come to ultrasound appointments and had to be pushed into talking about names. for him, it's like the baby isn't here until it's literally here. which i find really strange, but that's the way he works. once the boys have been born, he is absolutely awesome and loves them to bits- he's just not that interested in the actual pregnancy for some reason. i don't really understand it, but just thought it might help you to hear it.

[Cass72]

Thanks Ginger. It does help. Maybe he's just normal and I'm over-reacting!

[berrme]

My DH sounds a bit like Ginger's. Not quite as distant, but never seemed as excited as I thought he shoud about movements etc. He adores his boys though, and has told me he wants another, so I guess it is just his way.
I am sure your DH will love this child just as much as his others. Try not to worry.

[YoYo]

I am also with Ginger. It wasn't quite real for my DH till DS came along. He can't experience what we are going through, so he didn't bother to try to. I didn't think anything of it at the time knowing that's just how he is. DH is a very devoted loving father now that would do anything for DS & I....hence another bub on it's way

[willow5]

I agree with what some of the other posters have said, I think it's hard sometimes to really get into the pregnancy side of things cos it's not actually happening to them.
But I must say when you mentioned he lost a baby (like starssky was saying too) it could have something to do with the loss. He may be really scared that something could happen to this bub. And if the loss ended up with his previous relationship breaking down he could be worried about the same thing happening. Maybe?
Hope all works out for you in the end I'm sure it will, all the best

[kelebek]

I think you are both normal

I think if my DP was reacting the way yours was I would worry too and be exactly the same

I also know for my DP it wasn't real until DS was born and interacting. Also wonder if the loss of the baby is affecting how he is bonding with the baby too... so I can see why he is acting the way he is.

[Lulu]

Oh wow, I'd take a guess and say maybe the new addition is bringing up sad memories for him. The poor guy. This is perfectly natural and normal though and something he might be trying to work through on his own. He might not want to upset you.

From the other things you wrote, it sounds like he is totally on board otherwise.

One thing - no matter how many children he has already, or how many he has seen born, it will NEVER, NEVER get old. Please don't worry about that, why do you think he went through what he did after the reversal - to do it all over again, cos it's so darn great!

xoxoxo

[Jas]

When I was reading your post I thought I wonder what has haapen to scar this guy a little and then got to the bit about losing his child. I think perhaps it does have to do with this. If you feel up to it maybe you could delicately talk about the baby he lost and just let him know you r open to talk about it if he wants.

[Becs_bubs]

Ahhh you poor dear Men are funny sometimes...I can't say our stories are exactly alike at all, but I do know that with each of my pregnancies, hubby has been quite...don't know how to put it? Distant doesn't quite seem right...just that he wasn't overly excited or
'into it', if you know what I mean, until later in the pregnancy - usually once bub can be clearly felt moving around and I actually have a big round belly. It's like it's not a reality for him because it's happening to ME, not HIM.

From what other friends have said, this seems like quite normal male-behaviour. I think if you add to that the fact that your DH has had that tragedy element in the past, I would think he's behaving quite normally. I do feel for you, though....not only is it hard anyway, but you have all those hormones racing around your body as well, which seem to heighten any fears or anxieties or worries you might have. Make sure you look after yourself

[Meo]

I would second everything that everyone has said re thr pregnancy bringing up his emotions about losing the baby.

I also thought I'd throw in there about the IVF conception. It's a very clinical way to go about it, so he could feel dissociated from the whole conception thing too because all he had to do was "shake in a cup" so to speak. It's certainly not the intimate and enjoyable process that we are all lead to believe it will be, so maybe that's brought up some strange feelings for him too?

But mostly, I'd say he's probably processing the loss from his previous relationship and maybe you could try talking to him about that?

[misty]

DH was like this, this last pg and even for the first week after bubs was born. He only snapped out of it when I went completely mental and broke down at him about his lack of excitement. He was genuinely surprised, he didn't realise that that was how he was coming across. He was very worried about certain things, but he actually was very happy about bubs, he just wasn't showing it very well, because of he's fears and anxieties.

[~Hestia~]

My DH was the same & I remember feeling very worried!! He never voluntarily touched my belly. He only felt DS kicking when I told him to & even then didn't leave his hand on me for long. He just didn't seem excited at all. I remember feeling very rejected too.
The only time he ever seemed excited was when we heard the heartbeat, that made it "real" to him.
It's not indicative of how they will behave once the baby is here. My DH is completely different now that DS has arrived.

[HotI]

deleted

[Stevie]

hi cass
my dh showed no interest whatsoever in either of my pregnancies. he never wanted to touch my belly or see them kick. he never wanted to come to ultrasound appointments and had to be pushed into talking about names. for him, it's like the baby isn't here until it's literally here. which i find really strange, but that's the way he works. once the boys have been born, he is absolutely awesome and loves them to bits- he's just not that interested in the actual pregnancy for some reason. i don't really understand it, but just thought it might help you to hear it.

My dh is very much the same. he is SO supportive, has brought everything that we need and we discussed names, but his theory is she's not "real" until she is born.Up until about 30 weeks, he wasnt interested in touching my belly to feel her move, and would kind of shrug it off whne i would get excited and tell him that i could feel her little foot or whatever.. this was un until one night (think i was about 30-32 weeks) and he was laying with his head on my belly, his ear pressed to my skin, and she was squirming away in there (no more kicks as such as there was limited space LOL) he started to giggle, and he's dit up and try to feel her with his hand and she wouldnt move until he put his head back and started talking to her. Its all becoming very real for him now, but i know he will be a great Dad, but i think with men coz its not happening TO them they dont see it as we do.