Guilty feeling towards me

[visitor1]

Hi there,
I have a friend who has been married for 3 years now and has been trying for a baby since. Her only attempt was prior to her wedding, where she got a BFP, but miscarried the night before her wedding

So her and Dh continued trying time and time again. Each time ending in a negative result. Now that im pg i was hestitant in telling her at first as she had told me many times that when other people she knew found out they were pg, she would get jelous of them and 'hide' away from them, not speak to them or want to associate with them.

So i waited til i was around 12 weeks before i told her, and she done the same to me. Ignored me until i come out with what i was feeling. Its not my fault im pg (without trying what so ever) and she has been trying for 4+ years to no avail.

She finally apoligised to me for how she started speaking to me, and treating me because i had what she has not yet. But i cant help but feel she is hiding something from me.

She is forever asking how bub is going, how big im getting etc.
She tells me she has seen doctors and specialists but theres nothing that her and DH can do but wait.

How should i go about it?

I partly feel so guilty and to blame and if i could give her a child i would.

[Lucy]

This is such a tricky one, and one I can empathise with from BOTH sides of the fence, from being a long long term TTC'er, to now having ease of falling pg......I have been in both your shoes and your friends.

My only advice would be to be totally honest with her and try and empathise with her. There is honestly nothing as empty and depressing as wanting to be pregnant and not falling pregnant.......it is AWFUL and jealous making, so be as patient and as empathetic as you can.

I think she is most likely asking you all those questions in an attempt to be happy for you......I have no doubt she IS happy for you, it is just hard to show it, so the questions may be her method.

When you say

But i cant help but feel she is hiding something from me.

......I dare say she is trying to hide an awful lot of emotion.

Not sure if any of that helps you any?

Best of luck either way........

[shellstar]

Kim, Its a difficult situation to be in, i know i have just been there myself, I have a very good friend who has been TTC for a few years now and is now about to embark on IVF, I found out only last week that im pregnant and she knew all about the miscarriage i had in Jaunary and the time since it has taken to fall pregnant again and was always asking me "any news yet", so when she asked me other day i could not lie to her but said i felt so bad as i did not want hurt her feelings, she said "don't ever think you can't tell me anything, thats great news", but since that day i have not heard from her, i've text her and heard no reply, so i can't really offer any advice but wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

[Lea13]

Nop you are definately not alone!!

Emerson was a gorgeous surprise for us and I have a close friend who has been trying for 3 years to fall PG and is now on IVF. We don't see each other much now though we still keep in contact through friends.

I have felt extremely guilty over it as well. So I know how you feel however I don't know the best way to handle it. I'll be watching this thread with interest!

[Ozziehoffy]

That's a pretty tough one as everyone is different. I had 3 friends in the last 2 and a half years have babies and then a 4th told me at the start of this year she was expecting. I was extremely happy and excited for her but so sad and also a bit jealous cos I wanted it so much to be me. I actually told her that I was really happy for her but also jealous. I never stopped speaking to any of them though, I loved actually going through the pregnancy with them. I guess it was the next best thing IYKWIM. All I can say is try not to feel guilty, maybe send her a little card in the mail inviting her for a coffee or something? Lotsa luck

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I think it's a normal reaction to people who are TTC and desperately wanting a baby to us lucky people who don't have to go through all the TTC stresses and strains. I do feel a bit guilty that I could fall pregnant so easily, but I try to put that out of my mind: I know my friends are happy for me, even if sometimes they can't work up enough strength to talk pregnancy with me. It is hard, and it's even harder if everyone else is pushing a pregnancy in your face.

I had this with SiL's pregnancy: although I did try to talk to her, she was ignoring me then (LOL, very long story) and I was really mad with her. Well, more for being rude pre-pregnancy and during pregnancy than for being pregnant, but her getting pregnant about the same time I had hoped to was just the icing on the cake! Yes, I was happy for her, but I was also sad for me, if that makes sense. Then having to face the pregnancy before I was ready to because DH kept telling me off for not being 100% happy all the time... didn't help anything.

Then look at me with evil cousin and her "accident" - the only reason I don't like cousin, well the main one, is that my mum kept talking about her pregnancy and all she was doing for cousin, knowing I really wanted a baby and wouldn't take my gentle hints (like "can you just shut up about it now?"). And these two when DH wasn't interested in trying for a baby! Again, it's nice she's having a baby and she's excited, I just wish I could have faced it in my own time and not been confronted with all the gifts my mum was buying her every week because mum wouldn't shut up about it.

As a rule, I don't talk pregnancy unless someone else brings it up; it can upset people for lots of different reasons. I know sometimes you just want to shout it from the rooftops, but I know how much I appreciated a low-key approach from the people I do love and so do my best to have that approach.

Plus I have DH and MiL to talk constant pregnancy with - well, OK, just MiL really - so knowing that I only have to be quiet for a few hours makes it a bit easier.

HTH!

[MantaRay]

I have been in your position. My friend had been TTC for 3 years without success when we started TTC. Soon after we started trying, she started IVF. It took us 9 months and she was still TTC on IVF. She said she was happy for us, and she had many other friends have babies before and after us, but she did stop talking to us for a long time. When DS was born she didn't acknowledge him at all. She only started speaking to us again when she was pg with twins (who were born in Feb). I can understand it must have been difficult for her, but it's hard to be shut out through no fault of your own. Hopefully your friend will come to terms it sooner than this and there will be no harm done. I am not sure what advice to offer, I guess just to try and guage how much you should talk about it with her so as not to be in her face but also not exclude her. Perhaps asking her would help?

Good luck,
Melanie

[meegm]

If she is someone who has made an impact on your life, dont let her just let you go..

[Rachel]

I have also been in a similar situation. A really good friend of mine has been TTC w/o success and 1 miscarriage. My DH and I weren't even trying we just weren't being careful and ..... March 3 we become 3! I was very worried about telling my friend for similar reasons mentioned by you and the other girls and we waited until we were 12 weeks to say anything also. She said she was really happy and excited. We had dinner a few days later and her and her husband did not mention my being pregnant at all! So we didn't either. Then i didn't hear from her at all....so i rang her and eventually she called me back....we talked about the baby but also kept the conversation as normal as possible. Everything seems to be ok at this stage. I am very aware of her situation and therefore i work on the same theory as Ryn....if they bring the pregnancy up then i'll talk about it, if they don't...then i don't. I try to sway the conversation at times to talk about her life so she doesn't feel left out, iykwim. I'm sure your friend is genuinely happy for you but i can imagine it would certainly raise some very raw emotion. I think if you just treat your friend as always and talk about your pg when she asks and also keep things more 'normal', hopefully, you will be able to make it through this. Good luck.

[chocolatecatty]

When you say you think she is hiding something, what are your suspicions?
Having had friends fall pregnant 'first time round blah blah' whilst I was TTC (14 months including fertility treatment) I naturally felt a little jealous of them, but at the end of the day, I loved these friends and was genuinly joyful for thier blessing and overcame this jealousy, remembering that my time would come.
The decision to selflessly love you and your child despite her own circumstances is hers, and the outcome will determine what kind of freind she is.

[AnyDream]

Hello, Never an easy situation, and I can understand it is difficult all around. Please don't take your friend's response personally. Yes, she probably is hiding something from you: her grief. It is a perfectally normal response to not want to be near something that stirs up your greatest emotional pain! Give her time and space and don't stop being there for her and making the approach but also be sensitive that any time she spends with you will no doubt make her confront her own feelings.

This is what being a friend in the hard times is about!!
xMarydean

[skorpy]

I personally think its unfair of a friend to be like that towards their friend.I know it must have felt awful for her seeings she is trying to concieve,but really ,she should still congratulate you from the beginning and try and hide her frustration and not make you feel so guilty.It isnt your fault and you shouldnt have to stop what your doing in having a child because of this.

I have a Friend who has been trying for 2 years and still nothing,but Congratulated me when I become pregnant with my 3rd,and I can understand her frustration and being upset.It must be awful for woman to try and try and not get what they really desire.

But you shouldnt feel guilty,This should be the happiest moment for you.

[EllyBoo72]

if i could give her a child i would.

What a beautiful thing to say. It is such a hard situation for you isnt it. Try and enjoy your pregnancy without the guilt.
I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak, with being deemed infertile for seven years, but thankfully fell during an IVF cycle. I feel very blessed to have my beautiful DS. I did feel a little depressed when friends fell pregnant when i couldnt, but i never showed it, never made them feel bad and was still very happy for them. It is unfair that your friend is making you feel like this. I guess it is the only way she can cope with her feelings. You can only be there for her when she needs you. I also have a friend now, who has had 6 attempts at IVF, and i am the only person who knows about her situation, as she prefers for people not to know. When i fell preg with DS, she would come out with all sorts of sarcastic comments to me, and I really felt her anger towards me. It was almost as if she had forgotton about the troubles we went thru, to get our dream come true. Every nasty comment she made, i would say to myself, she is just hurting, and let it go over my head (as hard as it was sometimes). I still dont know what to say to her, but i know when i was in the same boat, i didnt want people to feel sorry for me, or avoid conversations about babies, and pregnancy etc. For some it is worse when you feel that people are tip toeing around you. I think she would be asking you lots of questions about your preg all the time, as she is most likely very interested, but at the same time, trying not to show that she is a little jealous IYKWIM?
My only advice would be to act like you would around any other friend, enjoy you preg, you do deserve it, and just be there for her when she needs you. Hopefully her turn will come one day.
Good luck with everything.

[visitor1]

Thanks heaps ladies, you have all been very helpful. My freind is coming down on the weekend for a bit of a catch up. Ill take the advice of 'if she bring up the baby ill talk about it', but not in to much detail. I know it must be hard for her and im trying my best to be there for her. Offer to see doctors with her, work on things IYKMIM. I think she is happy for me and she knows how much i want to see her as a mum too. I think thats every girls dream, to become a mum and have her own little family.
Grief, pain, jealousy and hurt are al common things for her, but me not ever being her shoes does not know how hard is it.
I dont want things to be hard between us, she is a good friend and she knows that i love her no matter how upset she can get with me. But at the end of the day we are still mates and always will be.

[expat]

That's great that you two are going to have a get together.

I'm going out with one of my best friends today who is 10 weeks pregnant and I'm only 3 weeks behind her and will tell her today. She's going to be totally over the moon as we'd been talking for the last year about how it would be awesome to be pregnant together.

Then there's a little bit of me that worries about how our friendship could be affected if one or the other of us has a miscariange and has to see the other one continue with their pregnany. I think we're strong friends and can weather a storm like that but it would put a pretty awful strain on our relationship.

I have a friend with a 2 year old who was pregnant at the same time as her best friend and then the friend miscarried at 20 weeks, since then, they've not been able to talk and the friendship has fallen into the 'aquaintance' catagory. I'd hate for that to happen with Anna and I but I know I can't be scared of that and I should believe that when it comes down to it, we're stronger than that.

I've also started to become friendly with a mum of a a child at our school who is adopted. She and I are still getting to know each other and I think we could make good friends but I'm not looking forward to being huge pregnant in front of her because I've seen the sad look she has when other mums come in with their huge bellies or their tiny newborns. I guess I'll have to crosss that bridge when I come to it.

Good luck with your gettogether!