How many times have you been pregnant? *Sensitive topic*

[Glamourcide]

with all due respect it does not mean that the pregnancy or baby are not missed dearly or that parents of early losses don't feel the weight of the loss just because it was not a full term baby.

They cannot be compared to each other but for those that feel its "less significant" ....... well frankly its insulting!

I absolutely understand that, and just wanted to clarify that I do not at all feel that mothers who have experienced loss in the early stages of pregnancy feel pain that is any less valid than those who have lost their babies later in pregnancy, or to stillbirth or neonatal or child death. For me *personally*, I didn't count my losses as 'babies' and the pregnancies were unplanned (unlike my two DDs who were actively conceived and wanted right from the very start), but I can definitely respect that others don't share my feelings when it comes to their own losses. I just know that I personally am less attached to a pregnancy until I'm in the later part of the first trimester, and would be absolutely shattered to lose a baby late in pregnancy or at term or after, but my early losses didn't impact on me in a huge way like it does others. We all feel differently.

[FabFiona]

3 pregnancies 2 live babies

Some of the stats are amazing. You women are really brave.


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[LysnDan]

Y'know, I'm sorry, I have tried to let it go, but I'm really offended. I have NOTHING to remember my babies by. Most people don't even consider them babies because they were only 6 weeks old (as further evidenced by this thread). I never got to hold them, to see what they looked like, I don't even know if they were boys or girls. Sometimes I feel stupid for having given them unisex names, I feel like I'm making too much out of nothing. But y'know what? They were and ARE my babies, and I bet that my heart aches just as much as anyones

I don't think it's helpful to anyone to say that one loss is worse than another - ALL loss is fricken' painful and should never happen.

Hugs honey. Your right. Any loss is painful. The hardest one for me to physically and mentally cope with was loosing zach. You know getting that far along, and not being able to take him home in his little outfit. Having to pick up a tiny little box of ashes instead. To get a birth AND death certificate. I was supposed to die before my child....

I've had 2 chemical pg and 1 stillborn.(zach) and one still baking. No live babies for me yet fx this one is a take home bubba x

[helle]

Having to pick up a tiny little box of ashes instead.

I remember bringing DS home and DH commenting on how much better is was bringing a baby home in a carseat and not in a box. It hadn't actually occured to me how much that had affected him until he said that, picking up Jayvans ashes.

There always seems to be a catagory baby loss mumma's go in. I for one sometimes feel like I'm in limbo. Jayvan was birthed at 17 weeks and 6 days. He didn't get a birth or death certificate, and I never feel justified calling him a stillborn baby because he wasn't term, but I feel he was more than an early early term loss. He had tiny fingernails for christ sake.

Anyway, I've probably just offended a few more people but I'm just trying to get another perspective out there. Let go of what I dwell on a bit

[Jennifer13]

2 pgs - one DD and a second DD still baking. I am very, very blessed.

Tashy - your story and others like you were an inspiration to me this time around. While TTC didn't take long, convincing DP to go for number two did (12 mths in fact), so I was determined to enjoy every day with this little one and not stress like I did with DD1. What you have said is exactly what I felt during my first pg, stressing about this stage and the next and so on. While in our case it didn't come to anything and just tarnished my pg experience, I thought this time around that no matter what happened I would enjoy whatever time I had. That this baby is still with me, whether on the inside or the outside, for as long as it is meant to be.

I probably didn't say that very well. But please rest assured, all of the stories, whether they be early or late losses, serve as a reminder to me to be grateful for what I have and I thank God every day. I take every one of your angels as a testament to the fragility of life and the courage we need to hope.

[LysnDan]

I remember bringing DS home and DH commenting on how much better is was bringing a baby home in a carseat and not in a box. It hadn't actually occured to me how much that had affected him until he said that, picking up Jayvans ashes.

Hugs hun xx

[PumpkinZulu]

I guess it comes down to personal opinion as well then. For me, I don't mind so much that they died, because of my religious beliefs regarding death - my problem is that I have no photos, no ashes, not even a gender. I guess you've hit a nerve with me, but I do understand what you're saying

For me, this is what makes my losses easier. Isn't it odd how one thing make one person struggle, while it soothes another. I cannot imagine the agony of losing a baby I could see and hold. I would rather lose 10 babies early than ever, ever have to face that, because I know I can deal with first trimester loss...as hard as it is, I just...I couldn't face what so many women here have faced. We're all so different.

[Glamourcide]

I get what you mean, PZ. I don't have my losses in my sig, I don't talk about them... I honestly don't mourn or grieve. They weren't babies to me, it was too early on. I'd rather have 10 early losses, before it becomes real and I get attached, than have to hold a still baby in my arms. We're all very different, and I don't project my own opinions, experiences and feelings onto others (especially when I've not walked in their shoes), so I'm not saying that early losses don't count, just that I don't spend much time even thinking about mine unless the subject comes up, because it is what it is and I've accepted that. To lose a baby late or at term, I imagine, would be a much different story for me.

[Feijoa Mum]

6 Pregnancies and 5 children.

My first pregnancy ended at 10wks and although officially it was a blighted ovum, it was still very much a baby to me.
My first son was born a year to the day I had the D & C so it changed that anniversary for me to a more positive one. I do still think of my lost one on my sons birthday and say a little "thinking of you" prayer.

[skybie]

i'd rather 100 early losses then to ever hold a baby in my arms i know is never going to wake up, again.
its not something your mind can comprehend, even as you're going through it, it doesnt feel like it can be real. To grow a baby for 40 weeks and then never take it home.
people always say to me i cant imagine what you're going through, i tell them good, dont try and imagine, its too horrific

[Lisa]

I have chosen not to put my early losses in my signature too because although massive, they were no way as heart wrenching to me as what losing Noah was. I understand the enormity of losing a baby at any stage, but for me my earlier losses were easier as I had only just got a BFP or just got used to the fact that I was pregnant. With Noah, we had changed our lives & our home for him.

[AJC]

4 pregnancies

First two resulted in first tri miscarriages
Third pg resulted in DS who is almost 3
Fourth pg still baking, currently 29 weeks

[Jewel]

2 pregnancies and 2 beautiful children.

[briggsy's girl]

I get what you mean, PZ. I don't have my losses in my sig, I don't talk about them... I honestly don't mourn or grieve. They weren't babies to me, it was too early on.

As much as i can't imagine (and never want to know) the grief of losing a term baby that i could never take home, i just wanted to say, for me, i bonded with each of my babies from the moment i knew about them. i don't know if our journey to parenthood changed that aspect of things for me, but i certainly can't say i loved or bonded with DD more at 20 weeks than i did at 4. i can't say that the love i had for her throughout the pregnancy was any different to the love i had for each of our angels

i think everyone is going to feel different about things depending on the path they've walked, throughout their entire life. when you haven't felt the grief of losing a term baby, which i haven't, i think it would be fair to say the most painful thing you can experience is losing a child at any point - be it soon after finding out about a pregnancy, or 6 weeks later. the reality, for those that have had both early and late losses, is surely a situation where one pain doesn't compare to the other. i hope to never know a pain greater than what i have felt.

i also accept that, for many, an embryo or early fetus doesn't equal a baby, and they don't feel that degree of hurt at an early loss - i respect that - as i said - different journeys and different beliefs leave us feeling differently about things

reading this thread, my heart hurts that so many people have had to feel so much pain

[blessedatlast]

I agree losses are all different and all relative. For me, my miscarriage was early. I was devastated, utterly devastated. I wished I had never been pregnant in the first place because it was too much pain to handle.. Fast forward to the twins death and I think holy crap, that was nothing.. I have absolutely "gotten over" my miscarriage. Having said that, I still think of it and sometimes think about how old it would be etc but it's not painful to think about anymore. (I also still have the positive preg test somewhere)

The twins death is so different. Although on a pain scale I would rate the twins death as 1000000000000000 times more painful than the miscarriage, I am still glad I fell pregnant. For me those babies made me a mother. My M/C didn't. I can never imagine "getting over" the twins death. they will be part of my life forever..

I am also grateful to have never had a stillborn. Again my twins deaths were different. I feel so so grateful that I had the privilege of holding my babies alive and seeing their eyes open (If only for a second). It breaks my heart to try to imagine what it would be like to birth your dead baby, and never see them alive..

Then on this pregnancy now, although for me in a nutshell, the miscarriage I had doesn't mean much compared to the twins death, if I had lost this one it would have had a different pain because of my experiences.. Everyone's loss is different, and relative to their experience.

I am so proud of myself, because it's been hard sometimes, but I have allowed myself to have hope and believe. I have enjoyed this pregnancy on the whole, although it has been tinged with anxiety and sadness. Now I'm over that 24wk milestone I am believing more and more everyday that I could take this baby home.. I am also grateful that I had a milestone to get past and I have.. Once again, i could never imagine what it would be like to have had a full term stillbirth.. It still crosses my mind that I'm no where near home and hosed yet, but for me and my experiences in my mind my chances are pretty good.

I hope that all made sense!

ETA: BG I agree, I think when it takes you a while to conceive, maybe you bond quicker? I don't think I bonded with my pregnancies more during the later stages, but I still think losing the twins was much harder than a miscarriage..

[Iona Macca]

I've been pregnant 4 times:

#1 DS1
#2 miscarriage at 7weeks
#3 chemical pregnancy
#4 DS2

[Ahurani]

i'd rather 100 early losses then to ever hold a baby in my arms i know is never going to wake up, again.
its not something your mind can comprehend, even as you're going through it, it doesnt feel like it can be real. To grow a baby for 40 weeks and then never take it home.
people always say to me i cant imagine what you're going through, i tell them good, dont try and imagine, its too horrific

Agree 110%.

[TeniBear]

I know there's no "good" way to lose a baby, but for me at least, the way Ianto went would be the best/gentlest way. He was pretty much fully formed so I got to hold him and kiss him; I didn't have to watch him die in hospital or have him die suddenly when I thought he was okay once he was born; he didn't die during labour; according to the law, he was an actual person; and he was my first known pregnancy. Though on that last point, I think for me losing a subsequent baby rather than my first might gave been "better"...

I know having a baby die in any way is horrific, but I'm partly glad this is the way fate chose to take him. When I was pregnant with Amelia, I was more scared of miscarrying her than having another stillbirth. That thought process put a few people off, but it's just how I felt for *me*. I'm not going to say such-and-such shouldn't complain because this or that happened to this other person, because maybe Person Two feels Person One is worse off! It's a matter of your own perspective, not someone else's.

Right, now I'm going to go cry a bit. It's been a very emotional day.


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks