How many times have you been pregnant? *Sensitive topic*

**helle** · September 21st, 2011, 12:20 PM

Having to pick up a tiny little box of ashes instead.

I remember bringing DS home and DH commenting on how much better is was bringing a baby home in a carseat and not in a box. It hadn't actually occured to me how much that had affected him until he said that, picking up Jayvans ashes.

There always seems to be a catagory baby loss mumma's go in. I for one sometimes feel like I'm in limbo. Jayvan was birthed at 17 weeks and 6 days. He didn't get a birth or death certificate, and I never feel justified calling him a stillborn baby because he wasn't term, but I feel he was more than an early early term loss. He had tiny fingernails for christ sake.

Anyway, I've probably just offended a few more people but I'm just trying to get another perspective out there. Let go of what I dwell on a bit

**Bumperstump Cummerbund** · September 21st, 2011, 12:22 PM

I guess it comes down to personal opinion as well then. For me, I don't mind so much that they died, because of my religious beliefs regarding death - my problem is that I have no photos, no ashes, not even a gender. I guess you've hit a nerve with me, but I do understand what you're saying

**LysnDan** · September 21st, 2011, 12:24 PM

I remember bringing DS home and DH commenting on how much better is was bringing a baby home in a carseat and not in a box. It hadn't actually occured to me how much that had affected him until he said that, picking up Jayvans ashes.

Hugs hun xx

**PumpkinZulu** · September 21st, 2011, 12:48 PM

I guess it comes down to personal opinion as well then. For me, I don't mind so much that they died, because of my religious beliefs regarding death - my problem is that I have no photos, no ashes, not even a gender. I guess you've hit a nerve with me, but I do understand what you're saying

For me, this is what makes my losses easier. Isn't it odd how one thing make one person struggle, while it soothes another. I cannot imagine the agony of losing a baby I could see and hold. I would rather lose 10 babies early than ever, ever have to face that, because I know I can deal with first trimester loss...as hard as it is, I just...I couldn't face what so many women here have faced. We're all so different.

**Glamourcide** · September 21st, 2011, 01:01 PM

I get what you mean, PZ. I don't have my losses in my sig, I don't talk about them... I honestly don't mourn or grieve. They weren't babies to me, it was too early on. I'd rather have 10 early losses, before it becomes real and I get attached, than have to hold a still baby in my arms. We're all very different, and I don't project my own opinions, experiences and feelings onto others (especially when I've not walked in their shoes), so I'm not saying that early losses don't count, just that I don't spend much time even thinking about mine unless the subject comes up, because it is what it is and I've accepted that. To lose a baby late or at term, I imagine, would be a much different story for me.

**Feijoa Mum** · September 21st, 2011, 01:06 PM

6 Pregnancies and 5 children.

My first pregnancy ended at 10wks and although officially it was a blighted ovum, it was still very much a baby to me.
My first son was born a year to the day I had the D & C so it changed that anniversary for me to a more positive one. I do still think of my lost one on my sons birthday and say a little "thinking of you" prayer.

**Lisa** · September 21st, 2011, 01:10 PM

I have chosen not to put my early losses in my signature too because although massive, they were no way as heart wrenching to me as what losing Noah was. I understand the enormity of losing a baby at any stage, but for me my earlier losses were easier as I had only just got a BFP or just got used to the fact that I was pregnant. With Noah, we had changed our lives & our home for him.

**skybie** · September 21st, 2011, 01:11 PM

i'd rather 100 early losses then to ever hold a baby in my arms i know is never going to wake up, again.
its not something your mind can comprehend, even as you're going through it, it doesnt feel like it can be real. To grow a baby for 40 weeks and then never take it home.
people always say to me i cant imagine what you're going through, i tell them good, dont try and imagine, its too horrific

**AJC** · September 21st, 2011, 01:12 PM

4 pregnancies

First two resulted in first tri miscarriages
Third pg resulted in DS who is almost 3
Fourth pg still baking, currently 29 weeks

**Jewel** · September 21st, 2011, 01:15 PM

2 pregnancies and 2 beautiful children.

**Iona Macca** · September 21st, 2011, 01:16 PM

I've been pregnant 4 times:

#1 DS1
#2 miscarriage at 7weeks
#3 chemical pregnancy
#4 DS2

**Ahurani** · September 21st, 2011, 01:48 PM

i'd rather 100 early losses then to ever hold a baby in my arms i know is never going to wake up, again.
its not something your mind can comprehend, even as you're going through it, it doesnt feel like it can be real. To grow a baby for 40 weeks and then never take it home.
people always say to me i cant imagine what you're going through, i tell them good, dont try and imagine, its too horrific

Agree 110%.

**Freya** · September 21st, 2011, 01:57 PM

The miscarriage stats are skewed because they dont allow for if there was a medical reason for miscarriage, for termination and so on.

Ive seen a very well known miscarriage specialist and when we discussed my losses he said the "normal" miscarriage stats are 1 in 6. For women like me with a disorder that can (and more often than not does) cause miscarriage and stillbirth, its more like 1 in 4. For me based off my miscarriage vs live birth stats, it's 1 in 2.

1 in 2 is a pretty scary thing to hear.

If I follow the plans he's set for me before and during pregnancy is should raise my stats back to 1 in 4, if not 1 in 6.

So while yes the miscarriage stats are quite heartbreaking to hear, there are alot of factors that go into infuencing it and it usually becomes a case by case basis not an overall figure for every women of child bearing age. And its not always stagnate either, it can be changed.

**Freya** · September 21st, 2011, 02:12 PM

And I also want to say, I have very nearly been on both sides of the losing a pregnancy equation. Ive had 5 first trimester losses and they broke my heart. I completely understand that pain.

Ive also been within a hairs breath of feeling the unimaginable pain of losing a baby in the 2nd trimester. I am forever grateful we got to take him home happy and healthy in the end but when nurses start talking to you about funerals and baptising and grief counsellors, and everything is out of your control and up to higher powers; if the pain I touched on in those horrifying hours is even a minute glimpse of what it feels like to have to go home without a baby to hold; I can assure you its heart SHATTERING. And thats not even doing it justice. It gave me a renewed admiration, respect and sympathy for those who've been there. The experience I had scarred me for life and we were one of the lucky ones!

ETA - I dont talk about what we went through in Ds2's pregnancy because it almost seems..........disrespectful because we got to take him home. I really hope I dont offend anyone because like I said, I KNOW the pain I felt is nothing compared to those who've walked that path to the end.

**briggsy's girl** · September 21st, 2011, 03:03 PM

I get what you mean, PZ. I don't have my losses in my sig, I don't talk about them... I honestly don't mourn or grieve. They weren't babies to me, it was too early on.

As much as i can't imagine (and never want to know) the grief of losing a term baby that i could never take home, i just wanted to say, for me, i bonded with each of my babies from the moment i knew about them. i don't know if our journey to parenthood changed that aspect of things for me, but i certainly can't say i loved or bonded with DD more at 20 weeks than i did at 4. i can't say that the love i had for her throughout the pregnancy was any different to the love i had for each of our angels

i think everyone is going to feel different about things depending on the path they've walked, throughout their entire life. when you haven't felt the grief of losing a term baby, which i haven't, i think it would be fair to say the most painful thing you can experience is losing a child at any point - be it soon after finding out about a pregnancy, or 6 weeks later. the reality, for those that have had both early and late losses, is surely a situation where one pain doesn't compare to the other. i hope to never know a pain greater than what i have felt.

i also accept that, for many, an embryo or early fetus doesn't equal a baby, and they don't feel that degree of hurt at an early loss - i respect that - as i said - different journeys and different beliefs leave us feeling differently about things

reading this thread, my heart hurts that so many people have had to feel so much pain

**Blixie** · September 21st, 2011, 03:34 PM

I guess it comes down to personal opinion as well then. For me, I don't mind so much that they died, because of my religious beliefs regarding death - my problem is that I have no photos, no ashes, not even a gender. I guess you've hit a nerve with me, but I do understand what you're saying

I agree it kills me that if the topic of my 1st pregnancy comes up people just bruch it off cos "it wasn't a real baby. Well i'm sorry but i was pregnant therefore there was a baby! Missed miscarriage (went for my 12week scan and baby had died at 8w) It hurts not knowing what sex bub was, what bub looked like. I see what you're saying that a full term loss is "worse" but i don't feel that any loss should be seen as unimportant and i did feel that maybe it was implied that early losses don't really matter... Or maybe i'm over sensitive today.

To answer your question blessed at last 4 pregnancies, 1 missed m/c, 2 DD's and one still baking.

**blessedatlast** · September 21st, 2011, 03:40 PM

I agree losses are all different and all relative. For me, my miscarriage was early. I was devastated, utterly devastated. I wished I had never been pregnant in the first place because it was too much pain to handle.. Fast forward to the twins death and I think holy crap, that was nothing.. I have absolutely "gotten over" my miscarriage. Having said that, I still think of it and sometimes think about how old it would be etc but it's not painful to think about anymore. (I also still have the positive preg test somewhere)

The twins death is so different. Although on a pain scale I would rate the twins death as 1000000000000000 times more painful than the miscarriage, I am still glad I fell pregnant. For me those babies made me a mother. My M/C didn't. I can never imagine "getting over" the twins death. they will be part of my life forever..

I am also grateful to have never had a stillborn. Again my twins deaths were different. I feel so so grateful that I had the privilege of holding my babies alive and seeing their eyes open (If only for a second). It breaks my heart to try to imagine what it would be like to birth your dead baby, and never see them alive..

Then on this pregnancy now, although for me in a nutshell, the miscarriage I had doesn't mean much compared to the twins death, if I had lost this one it would have had a different pain because of my experiences.. Everyone's loss is different, and relative to their experience.

I am so proud of myself, because it's been hard sometimes, but I have allowed myself to have hope and believe. I have enjoyed this pregnancy on the whole, although it has been tinged with anxiety and sadness. Now I'm over that 24wk milestone I am believing more and more everyday that I could take this baby home.. I am also grateful that I had a milestone to get past and I have.. Once again, i could never imagine what it would be like to have had a full term stillbirth.. It still crosses my mind that I'm no where near home and hosed yet, but for me and my experiences in my mind my chances are pretty good.

I hope that all made sense!

ETA: BG I agree, I think when it takes you a while to conceive, maybe you bond quicker? I don't think I bonded with my pregnancies more during the later stages, but I still think losing the twins was much harder than a miscarriage..

**NaeNae** · September 21st, 2011, 03:42 PM

I don't think you can even compare a very early mc to a full term loss though.

with all due respect it does not mean that the pregnancy or baby are not missed dearly or that parents of early losses don't feel the weight of the loss just because it was not a full term baby.

Yes they are different but I feel the loss of my 3 early miscarriages. It is different to the loss of Niki but they still had and continue to have an impact on how much/little anxiety I feel during pregnancy.

They cannot be compared to each other but for those that feel its "less significant" ....... well frankly its insulting!