When I was 20 I ran away to the other side of the country for an adventure, there I met a guy and we decided to drive from Perth back to Brisbane. We weren't really together or anything but at any rate, I fell pregnant. I wasn't sure what I wanted and did visit an abortion clinic only to decide that that wasn't something I could do. He was supportive either way but I could tell he wanted to keep the baby. We decided to try and make a family work. We split up when she was 6 months old but really, never should have been together. I still get along with him and he is active in her life, just definitely not right for each other romantically.
With DD2, DP was supportive at first and there was no doubt in my mind that I would keep her. At around 20w he freaked out when me and DD1 were about to move in, broke up with me in a text and we didn't speak for 4 days. It was a fear response, instant family and all of that. I gave him space even though I was heartbroken and we eventually worked through it. We couldn't be happier now and know it was just meant to be
We had been together for over 4 years and married for over 2.. it was not planned (alothough DH likes to hint that he "let" it happen) given that we have only ever had ONE slip up (we dont use protection, we use the pull out method but not that time) and thats all it took (though i have a sad sinking feeling it wont be so easy next time but thats another story..) when i found out DHs reaction? "NO" no we werent doing it, no we werent ready, no we couldnt afford it, just no! termination was not an option, i had secretly wished for this little baby for so long. We didnt talk for a week (he works FIFO) and the day before he was due to come home he called me and said "Right, we're having a baby!!" we had our rough patches, like alot of people we had to scrifice alot, make alot of changes to our day to day life, and priorities shifted but she is the love of his life.. and mine. and neither of us would have it any other way.
Our pregnancy wasnt really planned. But we werent really using protection we had been married for 3 years and together for 7. My DH just went into shock and was like.. well right. We had talked about children before briefly and knew that termination was not an option for either of us as we both believed in accepting the consequences of your actions.. which include sex
Neither of us really talked about it for awhile, then when the morning sickness kicked in it made it very real all of a sudden.
It took us both awhile to come to terms with it but by the first scan we were both really happy and nervous. I can understand that fear reaction, but by the same token, you have to accept those consequences imo.
I'm so sorry your sister is going through this and I hope she gets the support she needs x
My DH and I had only been together about a month when I found out I was pregnant. Had been on the pill but had been sick and stupid me didn't think. TBH he handled it a whole lot better than I did. Lots of support and encouragement, never a conversation that didn't revolve around what "we" were dealing with, an enormous flower arrangement delivered to me with an incredibly supportive card. I ended up having a m/c, but it had proved to me that this was a man who would stand beside me through it all.
IMO any man who turns around and issues ultimatums when HE got a woman pregnant needs to grow up, stop being so selfish and accept some responsibility. No, unplanned pregnancies are not always blessings in disguise, but a woman never gets there on her own. Even the ones that say they've been tricked and "trapped" after being told their partner was on the pill, there's always condoms to be extra sure.
I hope your sister is ok, and gets the support she needs. Sounds like she needs it from someone other than him though unfortunately.
My situation was a bit different in that DH and I were already married, but we'd only been married about 6 weeks when I fell pg. We'd already discussed babies and DH wanted to wait at least a year and I didn't and it caused a bit of tension that we couldn't resolve it. SO when I realised I might be pg, he was going along with things but I think he thought that I wasn't and he was being OK with it because he thought that it wasn't something he had to deal with for real ITMS. When it turned out that I was pg and I told him, he just turned so cold towards me and it was like he blamed me for deliberately getting pg, even though I hadn't. The reaction I got to telling him that I was pg was 'no you're not'. We didn't speak for close to a week, then things were really strained for another few months. We didnt' even have sex it was that bad. It was the hardest period of our relationship and I was devastated because it should have been so much different to what it was kwim? He never came to a single appointment with me during the pg and basically didn't even want to know about it - didn't care when I started buying things and hated talking about it with other people if it came up in conversation. I felt so ripped off that I didn't get that happy experience of a partner who was involved in it all. BUT when I was about 7-8 months pg he did start to warm to the idea and talking about names. In reflection, I think his reaction was because he just didn't feel ready to become a parent yet so he was freaking out about it all and just couldn't tell me. When the time came and I went into labour, I couldn't have asked for a more supportive or attentive husband and he came through for me when I needed him to the most. It still took a while for him to get used to being a Dad, but eventually he realised it was fine. Things were much better the second time round when we decided to have our second bub and he was much more involved in it all. Clearly it turned out OK for us because we have 4 kids and will celebrate 12 years of marriage this year.
I completely understand how your sister feels right now, and even though I was never ever pressured to seek a termination or threatened that he would leave. The emotional disconnection was the same though I think that this is just a knee-jerk reaction from him, because after all, if it was truly a religion/cultural thing, then he wouldn't have been having a sexual relationship before marriage nor would he be advocating for a termination. I think she just needs to give him time as the poor bugger is probably freaking out about how to tell his parents, especially if they aren't keen on them even being together. I hope it all works out for the best for her
Thank you all for your replys. I need to get her to read about all your experiences.
She has had many ups and downs this week but she and DF are at least talking. I do believe her DF is scared, scared of his families reaction, scared of becoming a parent. My sister does not want to fight with him, she is concerned that even without this PG this relationship was going to be tough, due to the cultural differneces between families. I think she is considering termination, though the day before that she was saying she doesn't believe in termination. And that if her DF was happy about the PG, she would be the happiest girl in the world.
I'm sad at the thought I won't get to meet my neice or nephew. I'm sad that my sister has to go through this, she doesn't want our parents to know. Though I know they would be just as supportive as I am. I'm sad that her DF feels the way he does. Sometimes I think things happen for a reason, I hope her dating scan gives her the answer she is looking for.
I haven't had an unplanned pregnancy, so you can take my opinion as you like.
I think that a "man" who gets a girl pregnant, and then threatens to leave her if she won't terminate is not someone she should be with anyways. Sex makes babies. That's a fact he has known for years. He was no doubt willing to have sex, but is now unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, and the child he has fathered. If he says he'll leave her if she won't end the pregnancy, then she will be better off without him. Pregnancy or no pregnancy, a man who will leave you when you need him most is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. And, since you've said she doesn't want to terminate, she will most likely resent him for making her do it, and regret the decision for her whole life, whether she remains in a relationship with him or not.
Encourage her to look for other support. She needs her family and friends to tell her they'll be there for her. There are crisis pregnancy centers that can also provide assistance. Her DF may or may not come around, but he sure doesn't sound like a guy you'd want to build a future with.
DH and i fell pregnant with DS1 just after 12months of marriage (8 years together i think). He was planned.
DS2 was planned.
After DS2 we started discussing if we were going to have anymore children. DH said he was happy and content with our boys and i know a lot of it was being so greatful for the happy healthy children we had. Recent family tragedy definately made us look at what we had and be extremely greatful. At the time i felt i couldn't argue with that, my boys made me so overwhelmingly happy i had no complaints. I didn't have any feelings of wanting more.
So when i realised that i was late with AF and that there was a possibility that i could be pregnant i became a little stressed/unsure/scared. For the feeling of 'this wasn't what we'd planned' and that i wasn't sure how to tell DH. We had recently committed to putting in a new kitchen and taking a loan so me working would have been really helpful. We were both in the mindset that we were happy with two.
So the day i realised i didn't rush off to get a test, DH came home and i didn't say anything. I lay awake all that night, i could not sleep at all. It bothered me so much that in the end i just had to tell DH that i was 'late'. I did and i can't remember his exact words but it was along the lines of 'well what are we going to do about it?', he was in shock. My answer to that was 'well what do you mean by that? There is nothing we can do, it's possibly already been decided that we may be having another baby'. I had been laying awake thinking it over in my own head and there was no other option for me, termination just because it wasn't in our plans but we were fully capable and equipt to have another baby was not and option for me. I got in the car at about 4am thinking that our local Coles was open but it wasn't, i so needed to know then and there just so i could relax and sleep. I didn't get a test at that time but i did sleep a little better after telling DH.
The next morning once the boys had brecky we went for a walk down to the shops and got some tests. That test was so faint i'm not even sure if i saw anything but the test the very next morning there was definately a line. Once it was confirmed DH took a very short time to come around to the realisation that we'd be having another one and to be happy and excited about it. There was a little bit of me sensing his mood to get an indication on how he was feeling for a short while but it didn't take long for him to become his normal self and then i knew all was ok.
For me the acceptance was pretty much straight away but for a fair part of my pregnancy i did battle with some guilty feelings. It was me beating myself up about her not being planned and while i loved her to bits already i couldn't help think was it the right thing for us? I don't want her to ever feel like she wasn't wanted though.
Obviously people assumed it was about trying for a girl but that was never the case. We were lucky enough to be blessed with our own little girl though
Everything in our life has pretty much gone to plan and this was a huge adjustment for us but my god she is the best thing. For us to have something in life that we didn't decide on but is so freaking fantastic just makes our family whole, it is the best feeling for me.
I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties your sister is going through. I could imagine it is tricky when outside influances can interfear so much with such a huge decision/realisation in the first place. The partner and his family my not like it or think of it as being ideal but it has happened and your sister can be the sole decision maker (if that's what it comes down to) on what she chooses to do with her body and and her baby. There is no going back now, there is only moving forward and you would hope that everyone will look at the situation for what it is, hopefully see a couple in love and support them with the choices they make. I know it's not that easy....
All the best, everyone handles these things differently and for the most part in the previous posts partners did come around in time. Some didn't end up working out in the long run but they give it a try.
All the best to you and your sister. I hope a happy ground can be found for everyone involved ox
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but thats another story..) when i found out DHs reaction? "NO" no we werent doing it, no we werent ready, no we couldnt afford it, just no! termination was not an option, i had secretly wished for this little baby for so long. We didnt talk for a week (he works FIFO) and the day before he was due to come home he called me and said "Right, we're having a baby!!" we had our rough patches, like alot of people we had to scrifice alot, make alot of changes to our day to day life, and priorities shifted but she is the love of his life.. and mine. and neither of us would have it any other way.
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