BW and BG- I am still on the other side of the fence, but I think I can still add a comment here, as I have already thought about the fact that when we do finally have a baby, it will not solve all in our life...it will not totally erase the hurts and the losses and the anger...it won't undo the changes in the person I am...it will just change things, and help some aspects heal and help me move on to another chapter where hopefully the fulfillment will help some of the other things heal more and move forward...but i dont think it will ever totally heal things, as I said...nor will I ever be the person I was before I started this process. I think you have to accept that some of the changes are OK..you are only human...and on the positive side, you will always now have more empathy and understanding and sensitivity for others in the same boat.
The woman at your church does not sound nice...so many people are really ignorant and insensitive...sometimes i feel like i am surrounded by them.
And you will always have a place in your heart for the angel babies...and the occassional what-if thoughts.
Take care and hang in there.
Great thread, girls. It's reall interesting to know what effect this has had so that folks on the other side of the fence have some idea and can be prepared.
I was especially interested in what BG said about not wishing anyone harm. I caught myself wishing that someone else's child would drown. Not actually the case, and it would rip me apart if that happened, but I do catch myself having malicious feelings from time to time, and it is SO good to know that other people get them too (although maybe not as horrible as mine) So, BG, thanks for giving me a new idea on how to phrase that in my mind.
So, maybe those feelings will be there forever. As Possums said, having a baby doesn't erase the hurt of not having one. You're not jealous or resentful of the baby, or even the pregnancy itself, it's about the naivete or simplicity and ease with which they go through it. I think it probably takes a special breed to understand it.
Meanwhile, know that you have one of the most loved babies on the planet (and three others out there) and go and give him a big squishy cuddle.
I don't actually know you BW, but I would never describe you as a bitter and twisted person. You seem to have so much time and empathy for other people!
Our life experiences shape us, and sometimes scar us, that's true. Given everything that you've been through, and are still going through, it's hardly surprising that you feel this way. And it can be hard not to let the bitterness swallow us sometimes - I hope the people who love you can help to pull you out when it gets really bad, starting with your lovely little Sam.
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