Great thread, girls. It's reall interesting to know what effect this has had so that folks on the other side of the fence have some idea and can be prepared.
I was especially interested in what BG said about not wishing anyone harm. I caught myself wishing that someone else's child would drown. Not actually the case, and it would rip me apart if that happened, but I do catch myself having malicious feelings from time to time, and it is SO good to know that other people get them too (although maybe not as horrible as mine) So, BG, thanks for giving me a new idea on how to phrase that in my mind.
So, maybe those feelings will be there forever. As Possums said, having a baby doesn't erase the hurt of not having one. You're not jealous or resentful of the baby, or even the pregnancy itself, it's about the naivete or simplicity and ease with which they go through it. I think it probably takes a special breed to understand it.
Meanwhile, know that you have one of the most loved babies on the planet (and three others out there) and go and give him a big squishy cuddle.
I don't actually know you BW, but I would never describe you as a bitter and twisted person. You seem to have so much time and empathy for other people!
Our life experiences shape us, and sometimes scar us, that's true. Given everything that you've been through, and are still going through, it's hardly surprising that you feel this way. And it can be hard not to let the bitterness swallow us sometimes - I hope the people who love you can help to pull you out when it gets really bad, starting with your lovely little Sam.
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