TTL, thank you so much for your post. I am actually thinking of printing it out and studying it. I really appreciate your honesty and courage in sharing what you went through, and believe me, I really can empathise.

I "failed" with my daughter too. As in, that was the story I told myself. It was 4 long years of TTC with IVF and a lap and she came on her own, and I was completely fixated on natural birth and breastfeeding and that this was going to be the most meaningful thing I'd ever done, and I am very independent, love working ALONE and do NOT get on with my mum or MIL. Awesome set up. Also, I have a structural problem with my back, long term chronic back pain, mood issues/anxiety.

So after DD arrived via C-section after long labour and had to be weaned at 3 months due to chronic thrush/back pain, it got so bad that I couldn't pick her up and there was a roster and people came every day to help. Soon, everything began to collapse - mood, sleep and just my health. I just could not manage. I also had a stay at the hospital, at the mother baby unit, two stays I think. This was when she was nearly 1 year old. It wasn't only PND, it was major depression and this pain issue, and I still haven't found anyone who really can help with this constellation of issues. Back then, at the hospital, the nurses wouldn't lift her, so I just cried and cried until my husband came in each day. If you have pain issues and psych issues, where do you go? Because staff generally won't lift. I had this recently at the Children's. My daughter had a UTI and I wanted to stay with her, only one parent could stay, and I did, even though I knew they couldn't help me take her to the toilet (my daughter is a big 3 year old, maybe 17 kilos and tall, and I am a petite person with a broken back!).

Anyway, I just wanted to share a bit of my own story though I don't need to dwell on it. You can imagine how terrified I am of having two babies at the one time. I have considered "reducing" one, because I am not sure if it responsible for me to do this - maybe not for my own mental and physical health, nor for my husband's, daughter's and unborn kids, if they arrive. But I don't want to do that at all. Not at all. I just will have to keep practising my mindfulness and being open to others' different styles of parenting my children, and I am really thinking a lot about what you said about the nanny, and it is the one thing that is making me feel slightly better, though I need to know more about the cost. Because my mum simply cannot live with me and my husband. She is a loving, caring person, but she is incredibly exhausting, talks "at" you the entire time, doesn't read social cues, and really struggles with her own mood and energy issues (she is someone who is happiest with a glass of champagne on the couch!aren't we all??).

Okay I have typed enough. Plus I can't sit at the computer long. This is a big deal for me. If ever I don't post, it's simply a matter that I am resting my back.

Keep us posted on your scan results on Thursday, TTL. The levels are obviously high. Say no more.

myturn, good to hear no GD. That test is gross.

TT40, will you say what you guys think it might be?

lots of love,
WW