Why am I not happy?

[Baby Bliss]

Thank you so much for making this post a sticky.

After 4 years of secondary infertility, IUIs, IVFs... I am conditioned to expect disappointment and grief. I have developed all these coping strategies to expect failure, and how the hell do I now just switch that off? I can't! 4 years of conditioning is a lot to now change to anticipate success.

I am almost 14 weeks, and feel utterly disconnected from this pregnancy. With my DS (took 2 years to conceive but needed just clomid) I named him early, spoke to him all the time and felt a bond instantly. Now, we have such a close relationship. I am beating myself up that I barely acknowledge this child so far, and worry about our eventual bond.

I just cannot seem to believe it is real, I am forever living in fear, waiting for the crunch to come - because its inevitable, thats what we do. Its what we've always done - fail. The alternative: another baby - just seems like such a far fetched concept.

Maybe when I feel movements? Maybe when we buy things? Maybe not til the baby arrives. I don't know, but its tough. I thought I would enjoy this far more than I have so far. I keep tryig to retrain my thoughts, but its hard. Thank you for this post, and showing me its normal for LT's, it has helped a lot.

[scooby]

Hey BB
Justy wanted to pop in and give you big cyber , it is just so sad that we get to this position and i agree, everyone says stay positive, but i feel if i think really positive then i set myself up for what i keep thinking will be the inevitable pain. Im sure it will get easier ( ihavent even dared to put a BFP in my signiture) and i know when the day comes and you hold that little, so longed for babe, in your arms, your heart will melt. Good luck BB and know that your not alone in your feelings, i think it comes with the territory.

[Baby Bliss]

I didn't add the BFP til I was 12 weeks to my sig. So glad there are others who "get it."

[Lenny]

Congratulations BB on your BFP. Don't worry about your bond with your little one - you will be just fine. Take care of yourself, and remember you are not alone.

[Cammish]

Although it's been a long time since the original discussion on this thread, and since any subsequent posts, I just wanted to say thanks to Lenny for being brave enough to post her original message and to the other ladies for sharing their experiences and for making this a 'sticky', and to add how relevant and helpful this post still is. I am currently nearly 11 wks pregnant, having conceived via IUI (first cycle) after nearly a year of TTC #2 (14 yrs after #1!) and two early miscarriages (5wks). We went down the ART route relatively early due to my age (38).

My experience has been so like many of the other ladies - I just haven't felt really 'happy' about being pregnant yet, and the more I research the more I find out how common this is for women who have been TTC for a long time, or who have had problems with previous pregnancies. When I found out I was pregnant the first time TTC #2, literally on my first cycle off the pill, DH and I were over the moon, and with no reason to feel any different, since I conceived my son by 'accident' at 23, we madly went off and chose names and decided on prams and you name it. The second time we were much more cautious, but cautiously excited. When I lost the second pregnancy, I was sad and angry and frustrated (ie I was grieving) and it took me a while to deal with that. Longer than some people around me figured I 'should' take, which made matters worse. This time, it's like my brain and body just can't bring itself to be excited and happy yet - it's still too early and it still feels like we're eternally 'waiting' for something, apart from the obvious! We've told noone about this pregnancy yet, not our kids nor even my mum, and we won't until we feel it's 'safe' and that feels like the best policy for us right now. Being 38 and having the increased risk of chromosomal disorders etc has just added to the waiting. All the scans so far have been good, but I have just had the blood test part for the combined first trimester screening for Down Syndrome, and have the ultrasound part in a week and a bit. So, we wait some more.

I felt guilty and ungrateful for feeling this way for weeks, particularly having had ART (sooo many people helping me to achieve this pregnancy and sooo lucky to be pregnant at all!!) but now I've realised - for me personally, it's been a really rough time, this past year, and I really need to give myself a break. I figure this is my body trying to protect me 'just in case'. I'm hopeful that if we get a good result from the combined tests I'll feel able to relax more and enjoy this pregnancy and look forward to the little one to come, but if not, I'll just take it as it comes and try to go easy on myself.

In my googling over the past few weeks I've learned that women who have had trouble TTC (combined with some other factors) also tend to have higher incidence of antenatal depression, which, since I was feeling consistently low and weepy (but let's face it, hard not to when you're also tired all the time and have low-level nausea all day long) motivated me to talk to my hubby and my obstetrician about how I've been feeling, I guess in case I don't start to 'feel better', which wasn't easy at first but has actually really me helped so far. As has, I must admit, getting past (I hope) the worst of physical symptoms of nausea and tiredness. I found the Black Dog website helpful, too, more than anything, like this thread, just to help me realise I'm not Robinson Crusoe - this is a lot more common than I ever knew. I'd heard of post natal depression, but even having had a child previously, before I went and looked for the information, I'd never heard mention of antenatal depression, or of women who really wanted to have a baby who did not feel overjoyed and excited at being finally pregnant.

The only advice I would have for anyone else going through this would be to talk honestly to someone you can trust, and take care of, be patient with and be kind to yourself. You're not alone in these feelings, you're not a bad person, and feeling this way does NOT mean you will be a bad mother.

Hugs and good luck to all!