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Thread: Why am I not happy?

  1. #19

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    Oh wow, I don't know what to say.



    Thank you all so much.

    I have admired and respected a lot of you for so long, and to be getting such amazing support and advice and wisdom is such a huge privilege.

    I can honestly say that things are changing for me - and that's all because I feel OK about my feelings. I don't like them...but they are there, and beating myself up for having them was only making the whole thing worse.

    Oh, and i bought some preggy shorts and tops - they aren't so bad...and they are a whole lot more comfy than my old clothes

    It was hard to write the first post - but by doing it a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders - and i am eternally grateful to you guys for not judging me and for helping me to make sense of this. Thank you so much!

  2. #20

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    Hey Lenny, glad you are feeling better.

  3. #21

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    You're welcome hun, not sure if my post helped but I hope so. I can't tell you how much the girls in this forum have helped and supported me, that's what we're all here for!

    I'm so glad you are feeling better

  4. #22

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    Jo - I haven`t had to deal with infertility, I just wanted to come in and share with you my own experience with loosing one of my twin babies at 6 weeks, it was and is one of the hardest things to deal with, here you are still pregnant yet you`ve also lost one of your precious babies, the grief for me at times was so overwhelming and like you I found it so very very hard to enjoy my pregnancy, each day I thought about my baby, DH very rarely mentioned the baby, MIL told me "It wasn`t a baby" which off course upset me even more. I was so worried as to how would I be able to bond with Adrian knowing that there should have been two of them, I also felt that some people would think of me as being selfish, afterall I still had a baby but the fact was the twin was a baby and a very much loved one although a big surprise to know we had conceived twins.

    I lost the twin on 1st December, 2005 and I always get very emotional at this time of year and coming up to the anniversary, this year for some reason I have been even more emotional, I haven`t as yet planted a tree for bubs but have felt I need to so I have a Wollemi Pine on it`s way which is 2 years old so fits in well with the time bub left us, I`m hoping this will help. Maybe you should plant a tree, if you haven`t done so already.

    You`ll find your little one will always be there with you, I feel it with mine and feel he/she is a part of Adrian, I still look at Adrian and wonder how it would have been like to have 2 of him and how life would have been different.

    Now 2 years on DH will sometimes mention our twin, our DH`s have a different way of showing emotions and it`s taken this long for him to freely bring the baby up.

    Hugs to you Jo I know exactly how your feeling and as I said it`s very hard but soon you will be holding that precious baby in your arms which will help a lot with your grief.

    Take Care

    Dee

  5. #23

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    Good to know you are feeling better.
    xo

  6. #24

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    Hi Jo!
    Just wanted to give you a big and say a big thankyou for starting this thread. It was a little while ago now, but I only stumbled across it recently, at a time when I really needed it. Reading your and others words helped me immensely to understand and deal with the anxiety and denial I have personally experienced toward being pregnant. As I think Sushee said, this is something that isn't talked about enough, yet it's so common and understandable for LTTTC'ers to experience. Good on you for having the guts to speak up.
    I am so happy it has helped you immensely to do so, and especially to see that you are feeling much more able to look forward to the future with your son. That's really wonderful.
    All the best hun, and thanks again!!!!

    Arielle

  7. #25

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    Hi...

    I just found this thread too

    I can't believe how much I needed to read this in the earlier days of my pregnancy - I felt so alone struggling with exactly what you have posted! And the people around me just thought I would be ecstatic - and I thought I would too. But no, infertility doesn't ever seem to go away.

    I think I've been tiring my friends out with my neuroticism about needing the birth to go well, i've really had quite big anxiety about "doing it right" and it hasn't been until reading this thread that I've just suddenly realised...it's probably all related to infertility too.

    I'll have to think about that some more. Thanks - I'm glad to bump this thread up again, I think it will help so many people.
    Thanks Jo, I hope you are doing well these days, GBHs.

  8. #26

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    Actually was thinking today that I may make this thread into a sticky, as it seems to really speak to many ex-LTTTCers. Are you okay with that Jo?

  9. #27

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    That's fine Sushee. It's amazing how we all felt alone in our thoughts, but actually we are not alone and we are supported and understood by so many.

  10. #28

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    Cool thanks hun. I agree, which is why I think it would make a great sticky.

  11. #29

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    Great idea Sushee!

  12. #30

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    oh honey hugs to you.:hugs:
    I think I got in the habbit with IVF of waiting for something to go wrong, I spent the whole of my PG unable to relax and same didn't buy anything till quite late in my PG

  13. #31

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    Thank you so much for making this post a sticky.

    After 4 years of secondary infertility, IUIs, IVFs... I am conditioned to expect disappointment and grief. I have developed all these coping strategies to expect failure, and how the hell do I now just switch that off? I can't! 4 years of conditioning is a lot to now change to anticipate success.

    I am almost 14 weeks, and feel utterly disconnected from this pregnancy. With my DS (took 2 years to conceive but needed just clomid) I named him early, spoke to him all the time and felt a bond instantly. Now, we have such a close relationship. I am beating myself up that I barely acknowledge this child so far, and worry about our eventual bond.

    I just cannot seem to believe it is real, I am forever living in fear, waiting for the crunch to come - because its inevitable, thats what we do. Its what we've always done - fail. The alternative: another baby - just seems like such a far fetched concept.

    Maybe when I feel movements? Maybe when we buy things? Maybe not til the baby arrives. I don't know, but its tough. I thought I would enjoy this far more than I have so far. I keep tryig to retrain my thoughts, but its hard. Thank you for this post, and showing me its normal for LT's, it has helped a lot.

  14. #32

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    Hey BB
    Justy wanted to pop in and give you big cyber , it is just so sad that we get to this position and i agree, everyone says stay positive, but i feel if i think really positive then i set myself up for what i keep thinking will be the inevitable pain. Im sure it will get easier ( ihavent even dared to put a BFP in my signiture) and i know when the day comes and you hold that little, so longed for babe, in your arms, your heart will melt. Good luck BB and know that your not alone in your feelings, i think it comes with the territory.

  15. #33

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    I didn't add the BFP til I was 12 weeks to my sig. So glad there are others who "get it."

  16. #34

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    Congratulations BB on your BFP. Don't worry about your bond with your little one - you will be just fine. Take care of yourself, and remember you are not alone.

  17. #35
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    Although it's been a long time since the original discussion on this thread, and since any subsequent posts, I just wanted to say thanks to Lenny for being brave enough to post her original message and to the other ladies for sharing their experiences and for making this a 'sticky', and to add how relevant and helpful this post still is. I am currently nearly 11 wks pregnant, having conceived via IUI (first cycle) after nearly a year of TTC #2 (14 yrs after #1!) and two early miscarriages (5wks). We went down the ART route relatively early due to my age (38).

    My experience has been so like many of the other ladies - I just haven't felt really 'happy' about being pregnant yet, and the more I research the more I find out how common this is for women who have been TTC for a long time, or who have had problems with previous pregnancies. When I found out I was pregnant the first time TTC #2, literally on my first cycle off the pill, DH and I were over the moon, and with no reason to feel any different, since I conceived my son by 'accident' at 23, we madly went off and chose names and decided on prams and you name it. The second time we were much more cautious, but cautiously excited. When I lost the second pregnancy, I was sad and angry and frustrated (ie I was grieving) and it took me a while to deal with that. Longer than some people around me figured I 'should' take, which made matters worse. This time, it's like my brain and body just can't bring itself to be excited and happy yet - it's still too early and it still feels like we're eternally 'waiting' for something, apart from the obvious! We've told noone about this pregnancy yet, not our kids nor even my mum, and we won't until we feel it's 'safe' and that feels like the best policy for us right now. Being 38 and having the increased risk of chromosomal disorders etc has just added to the waiting. All the scans so far have been good, but I have just had the blood test part for the combined first trimester screening for Down Syndrome, and have the ultrasound part in a week and a bit. So, we wait some more.

    I felt guilty and ungrateful for feeling this way for weeks, particularly having had ART (sooo many people helping me to achieve this pregnancy and sooo lucky to be pregnant at all!!) but now I've realised - for me personally, it's been a really rough time, this past year, and I really need to give myself a break. I figure this is my body trying to protect me 'just in case'. I'm hopeful that if we get a good result from the combined tests I'll feel able to relax more and enjoy this pregnancy and look forward to the little one to come, but if not, I'll just take it as it comes and try to go easy on myself.

    In my googling over the past few weeks I've learned that women who have had trouble TTC (combined with some other factors) also tend to have higher incidence of antenatal depression, which, since I was feeling consistently low and weepy (but let's face it, hard not to when you're also tired all the time and have low-level nausea all day long) motivated me to talk to my hubby and my obstetrician about how I've been feeling, I guess in case I don't start to 'feel better', which wasn't easy at first but has actually really me helped so far. As has, I must admit, getting past (I hope) the worst of physical symptoms of nausea and tiredness. I found the Black Dog website helpful, too, more than anything, like this thread, just to help me realise I'm not Robinson Crusoe - this is a lot more common than I ever knew. I'd heard of post natal depression, but even having had a child previously, before I went and looked for the information, I'd never heard mention of antenatal depression, or of women who really wanted to have a baby who did not feel overjoyed and excited at being finally pregnant.

    The only advice I would have for anyone else going through this would be to talk honestly to someone you can trust, and take care of, be patient with and be kind to yourself. You're not alone in these feelings, you're not a bad person, and feeling this way does NOT mean you will be a bad mother.

    Hugs and good luck to all!

  18. #36

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    Just wanted to say Thanks Jo, for starting this thread. And to everyone for these replies.
    I know it's from years ago, but it's so helpful to read about these kinds of experiences, because I think that there is a taboo about expressing anything negative once you've been lucky enough to become pregnant.
    I am only just pregnant, and have had a few serious worries so far (spotting, a potential partial mole, which was ruled out last Thursday, though there's still some odd area of blood vessels in the uterus). I am 9 weeks today. I have a lot of fear and anxiety, and I feel like my family especially doesn't really "get" this. Not properly.
    Then, this weekend, just two days after we got our positive scan, we found out my sister-in-law AND my husband's sister-in-law are both pregnant. My brother's wife is due about a week before me. He's younger, has been with his wife for a couple of years and married for about 6 months, and trying for let's say ... um, that's right, the magic number, one time. This is the third couple I know .. oh no, hang on, the fourth ... who's got pregnant on first try. My mum and my whole family knew about my brother (they didn't hesitate to announce it) and everyone was waiting for me to get the all clear in relation to the mole before telling me.
    My brother is pretty sensitive too.
    It's not like anyone's done anything "wrong" by me. I'm just so angry, and so upset with myself for being angry. Plus I'm worried that if I feel anything "bad" (like envy or spite) that it will endanger the pregnancy.
    Also, and this is weird, somehow I feel like the fact that these two women in my family are pregnant will make it more likely for me to lose my pregnancy. I know that sounds fairly crazy, but I think it's all that statistical thinking from IVF, you know.
    And I have the plain old fashioned childish envy, when you just think "why do you have to steal the attention". My brother has always been ... favoured, really (not just over me, but over my other siblings - he's the golden child, the natural talent, the "charismatic" one who gets things effortlessly without any work, but with loads of charm). Anyway, I probably need therapy, I reckon. I am getting some, but it's all this relaxation stuff right now.
    Anyway .... I'm so lucky and I'm still so glad ...
    Just wanted to say Thanks to people for being honest. It really helps.
    Best wishes,
    WW

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