Why do LTTTCers seem to prefer a c/s?

[onthefly]

I also wondered if it might not have something to do with using a specialist? If you've seen a FS and you don't want to be left hanging with no one paying any attention to this hard-won pg, the idea of waiting weeks and weeks to see someone might lead many down the path of an ob? Also seeing the one person probably appeals, given that there have been so many specialists and drs involved and I imagine not all of them good!

This was the case for me

[nic]

I remember being so excited when those 2 lines came up on the stick, and when DH hugged me we were both shaking. When we had our first scan around 6 weeks and saw the heartbeat, DH was just so proud, but me, I was like "Oh, ok, there it is" I didn't feel connected at all.

I don't think I bought anything for quite a while too. DH was the one pushing for nappy bags and clothes. We put a change table on layby about 3 and half months before DS was due lol! And that was only because DH picked it up and walked off with it.

I too didn't like chatting to people about my pregnancy. My IL's were shockers, they were forever talking about friends of my BIL who had success with IVF, but how the mum was dissapointed it was 1 baby after they had 2 embryos put back, and how she should have been appreciative. I copped flack from my MIL when I tried to share my feelings on how I was worried about doing the injections, her supportive words were "I don't understand, if you want a baby, you just do it" (the injections)
You know, I was at my happiest with my pregnancy when i was either chatting to DH about DS, or he had his hand on my tummy, and also when i was chatting here on BB.

After DS was born, I posted in the parenting after LTTTC, about how he was so full on with not sleeping, screaming and wanting to be held all the time, how I felt bad after what we went through to have him and I was wishing he would just be quiet.
Willow replied with a beautiful post - as did the other girls - that made me cry ( happy tears though) it was nice to know that I was feeling normal, and it was ok. I think we feel like we can't be seen like we are being unappreciative of our IVF babies, afterall, this is what we wanted wasn't it? (Thanks MIL)

Anyway, I think I've babbled on for long enough

Nic

[Hollybolly]

Fantastic post, Nic

We're just gearing up now for cycle #5... and I'M TERRIFIED.

NOT for the cycle part, not even for the 'will it work, if not, here we go again part'... but for the part that if it DOES work, at what point will I finally accept it?

Since BG & BW both got their long awaited BFP's, I've followed along with support both on here & through sms & phonecalls... but I equally feel their hesitation & fear as to each day and the insecurity of 'when can I finally relax & enjoy this' (I hope you girls don't mind me using you as an example... just that you two are the most current ones ATM )

I'm feeling the exact same emotions as they are - but about myself - and I haven't even got the BFP yet

I completely understand where Dusty is at... and I thank you, too, Sushee for this thread because its allowed me to think about something that I've been 'filing for another day' for a long time now.

Seeing as how we're about to embark on a new cycle, I need to start getting my head around things, too - I could have written Dusty's post myself!

[butterfly_warrior]

Holly, I'm on the edge of 28 weeks, I have Munchkin wiggling away and feet in my ribs... and I still don't think I've fully accepted that this is happening and is real!

One thing that I have noticed is that "normal" pregnant women - ones who haven't taken years, used IVF and endured losses are allowed to complain about morning sickness, are allowed to feel disappointment at the gender of their child, are allowed to complain about getting no sleep because the baby has kicked all night and kept them awake, are allowed to grizzle and grumble about rib pain and the fact that they are starting to waddle and not walk...

And then those of us that have endured a tougher journey get comments like "but this is what you wanted", "you worked so hard for this, surely that means something?", "shouldn't you just be thankful that you're having a baby at all?", and I could probably go on, and I'm sure others can add a lot.

People seem to forget that pregnancy is damned uncomfortable and I think it's unusual for someone to enjoy (I mean really ENJOY, not just enjoy the reality of what it means) being pregnant.

I couldn't get people to understand that I loved the fact that I was pregnant, but I hated feeling so sick. I loved my baby no matter what, but there was a stage where I'd have preferred a girl. That I love the reassurance of kicks, but wish Munchkin would be quieter at times or get his feet out of my ribs or stop smashing my bladder, or simply let me simply sit the way I want without carrying on like I've stuffed a mad cat in a hessian sack!

I loved what those things mean... but it doesn't mean I love actually feeling them.

There is the attitude that others can complain, but long-termers, IVFers etc must enjoy every single moment of being pregnant, keep smiling and never ever complain because they went through so much to get here.

If anything, I think the dream of pregnancy has been idealised by us, and it's a huge, hard crash when we start to realise the realities of morning sickness, fatigue, etc, etc.

From what Nic and Willow have said, this doesn't change once the baby is in your arms.

I think I've forgotten where I was going with this!

I suspect all of that leads to a feeling of needing a specialist, etc - all those things which have been pinpointed as tending to lead towards a c-section. That not only is there a reluctance among long-termers to talk about their pregnancies with people who haven't shared the experience, but there's an attitude amongst others that prevents us from speaking about things honestly and openly.

How can we go into birth as a "normal pregnant woman" when we don't feel like one and aren't treated like one by the world around us?

BW

[Devon]

Brilliant post BW!! I really identify with everything you said.

I have found that I beat myself up for thinking those things, think that I should be so grateful for everything (and I am very grateful to be pg), but you're right - sometimes pregnancy is just hard, and we should be able to have all our feelings acknowledged, even the negative ones.

Really good point too about not having much time to prepare for birth, when you only just start to accept that you might have a baby after you're 20 weeks plus. I am amazed when I see posts about women looking for doulas etc. when they're a few weeks pg, for me I couldn't even contemplate anything other than miscarriage as an end result for at least the first 15 weeks of my pregnancy. I still can't quite believe that it's probably going to work out fine

I'm quite torn between feeling like a 'normal' pg woman who should be able to have a low-intervention birth, and being utterly terrified that something is going to go wrong - sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the axe to fall. I think that's why I'm sticking with my ob and private hospital, but also having a doula and being very clear about my birth preferences if all is going well. I'm trying to balance my optimism and my fear.

[Ellie]

BW and Devon...just wanted to say thank you for your wonderful posts. I've been finding it so hard to put into words how I'm feeling and you've both said it...exactly spot on!

[sushee]

just leading back to the original question though, because I've been thinking about this so much lately I'm getting brain drain.

What sorts of services, support networks or information, as a pg LTTTCer (or future pg LTTTCers), would you like to see out there for you? How do we make other pg and parent LTTTCers know they're not alone?

How do we get the message out to women that they need to take back control of their choices, as far as post-LTTTC matters go, such as making informed decisions about their birth, or the way they feed their baby, or the way they parent? Because being infertile/subfertile and the effects of it doesn't just go away when you get that BFP.

Let's pretend I've got a million dollars and an army of counsellors and any other resources at hand, what support would YOU ask me to provide to help you through this? To just be able to speak and have someone listen to what you're saying? To not feel isolated anymore? To have someone work through those deep, dark issues that everyone seems to scared to talk about?

So that you CAN make choices about birth, feeding and parenting that isn't completely influenced by your fear and your anxiety?

[teepee2]

Personally it never crossed my mind that c/s would have been a safer option for the birth of my DD. In the end it turned out that her heart rate dropped and I had to have an emergency c/s but my intention throughout my pg was to have a VB with as little intervention as possible.

This pregnancy was also an AC and once again I'd love a VB but if a healthy baby means another c/s then I'll be happy to do whatever it takes.

When it comes down to it, all we've ever wanted was to have a healthy baby in our arms but we never during pregnancy really considered one birthing option over another as being safer. I really think I would have felt the same way even if I wasnt a LTTTCer.