Have posted most of my saga in the other thread but to update....
Finally pg on an IVF cycle ... my 6th pregnancy but so far only one "live" DS.
Started bleeding heavily at 5.5wks over a weekend. Headed into my IVF clinic on the Mon and prompty started bleeding with agnosing pain whilst there. Had a scan straight away which showed twin pg with 2 healthy HBs and babies measuring to dates.
Bleeding had settled although pain was still constant.
last Fri at 6w3d had a quick scan with my FS... all still ok. 2 HBs etc
MS has been shocking and I was just starting to think if I could get through this week, maybe things would be ok. How wrong was I!!
Woke up yesterday feeling really ill as usual but no pain and no bleeding. 6w6d.
Was out with mother's group when I went to toilet to discover bleeding quite heavily again. NO pain this time which had strangely,actually been a really bad thing in my most recent previous m/c. Managed to exit the get together rapidly without saying to much ( no one knows i am pg).
Got home and started bleeding PROFUSELY... as in passing clots the size of my hand.
This is EXACTLY how it happened last m/c when things ok after initial bleeding but went pear shaped a week later.
Managed to get a scan yesterday afternoon and was almost beside myself not really wanting to see what was going on.
As it turns out, one baby still alive with HB 136bpm but measuring couple of days behind. Other baby's sac bit collapsed and they couldn't actually find the foetal pole... most likely gone. However, the bleeding wasn't near this baby, it was just behind the "good" one over my cervix.
So now I am in a horrible limbo. fairly sure I have to grieve over the baby that has probably died but not able to feel any relief really at all about the other one. its measuring small which hasn't been a good sign at all in one of my other pgs.... just died a few days later, plus, it seems to be the one with the bleeding issues.
I am just so totally unable to cope with all this atm. I can barely think or function. I just don't want to get up and face this for even one more day... its killing me!
NO one has answers as to why this keeps happening and I have now pretty much exhausted all the possible treatment options. I am on prednisolone this pg... doesn't seem to have made any difference. Was on the clexane but that has to stop cos of the bleeding.
I've been doing acupuncture for yrs
Have flown to sydney to see THE specialist... what else is there?
I am asking myself "how long can I keep this up?" but the alternative of nno more children would just about destroy me. I also don't know if my marriage can hold out through this.... my DH is totally over the constant misery in our lives. I don't blame him but again, no more children would mean a lifetime of misery for me.
Even if by some miracle, the remaining baby fights on, I don't know how to deal with the loss of his/her twin. I don't think I can handle the "at least you still got one" comments which already came out of the sonographers mouth. She just totally dismissed the other baby despite me telling her over and over that it was defnitely there with good HB only 3 days earlier.
Now I am rambling,,, sorry,, just have NO ONE to turn to IRL. The support just dries up after you've had a few m/cs.. like I should somehow get "used" to it.
I have done the whole counselling thing before as well but ultimately, it doesn't get me what i want... another baby ( or 2!)
Meredith, I have been quietly following your story from the sidelines, and cheering your babies on. I am so, so sorry that you have lost one of your twins. I will continue to cheer for the bubba still tucked up inside you.
Oh Meredith darl i don't know what to say other than I hear your pain and anguish. You will always have a shoulder to cry on here in BB and many many many understanding women. Even though I haven't been through this situation I can offer you my thoughts and prayers. Be strong sweetheart. Sometimes the only solution (that I find is helpful when I'm totally at a loss) is to emotionally just relinquish control... metaphorically throw your arms up into the air and say "ok... this is me rolling with the punches 'cos there certainly isn't anything else I can do!!!" Sometimes when i see other people doing this... accepting total defeat... occasionally there follows a ray of light and success... it's weird, it's like the universe or whatever kind of wants you to admit defeat... to be totally humbled... and, once this happens it then shows mercy.... in some form or another. I hope I haven't been too preachy...
it's always helpful to write down your pain... at the very least keep it up darl... it'll help... we'll listen *more hugs*
Last edited by Bathsheba; March 4th, 2009 at 11:05 AM.
I don't know what is happening either. However a few things. Prednisolone can be most effective when commenced prior to conception - the same with heparin. The rationale being that if you have NK cell overload the steroids take time to create a less hostile environment - clexane is beneficial prior to conception for implantation etc etc.
I know well that Dr S doesn't "like" commencing clexane prior to conception - however it does work sometimes.
Now, the bleeding is behind the baby - I am not sure where you mean. However it can be very very difficult to ascertain a bleeding point in utero at such an early gestation.
I understand why the clexane has been ceased but not why the steroids have been ceased? How much prednisone were you on?
I am sorry that the sonographer was so disrespectful. I am sorry that a heart beat couldn't be found - I am just so sorry.
There is a little one there that is holding on tight. Send him all your energy. Talk to him, love him. He/she will feel that and know it.
As for your relationship withstanding this. I understand very very well what you mean. My husband has resented deeply my need for another child and the sadness that brought to our family. I cannot answer for you. I can only say that you need to go deeply within yourself - get some joint counselling - really really nut it out together.
But for now, right now you are pregnant and there is a baby with a heartbeat. Measurements are very difficult to be spot on at such a tiny size so don't put all your eggs in that basket.
Please know I am HERE. I am here and all I can do is support you and send you my loving friendship and energy. If I was in Melb I would be there in a heartbeat with my teapot!
for you, Meredith. I don't know what to say, but know that my prayers are with you and your little one as you grieve the one that is gone and fight to keep the other.
Deb -Thanks for the thoughts... I did start pred 20mg at the time of starting IVF meds so about 2 wks prior to conception and have not ceased it. Clexane started just after EPU... can't be started earlier with a stim IVF cycle due to the risk of severe ovarian bleeding during EPU.
Meredith. I don't know what to say. It's just awful what you are going through. Life with multiple losses is just hell and life without another bub when you so desperately want one is hell too. The uncertainty of your current pregnancy must be doing your head in. Just try to muster up every little bit of strength you have deep inside you to get through this increasingly difficult time. I know it'll be hard but remember to be there for hubby too. I think sometimes men don't handle losses well and this can cause havoc in a relationship. Please take care.
Meredith - Oh hon, I was so shocked and saddened to read your post just now. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sincerely sorry. Like you, I am on my sixth pregnancy and I can totally relate to the pain and despair you are feeling. It must have felt horrible for the sonographer to have dismissed the unsurviving twin like that. I the second one holds on and your DH gives you the support you need. You are such a deserving and caring person. I hope you manage to find some peace while sleeping tonight and your body is able to take care of that little piece of hope inside of you.
Oh Hunny I too have been following your story from the sidelines,quietly praying and hoping for your babies. I'm am just lost for words. I just want to say how terribly sad I am that you have another precious angel but I am sending you and the tiny bubba that IS growing in your belly all the positive thoughts and prayers I can muster.
Please please please be gentle with yourself and give your hubby a big hug everytime you see him. I know too well that these very special men in our lives just want to see us stop hurting and it really does hurt them during these times too...
I wish I was closer to you hun so I could come on over and give you a great big
Meredith - I know this is a long shot but can you increase your dose of prednisone? Have you discussed this? I know that it can take more for some women - it did for me. I was on 25mgs - as you know steroids are potent. Doseage is important. For every increase tho there is an increase in side effects. So don't do it without talking to your doctor. I remember BW also when she decreased her prednisone she bled. I know it's a long shot so lock me in the cupboard if I am not helpful. I am just trying to think.
Have you thought about investigating some chinese medicine support? Herbs can be really helpful. I know that you have probably thought of all of this - maybe even done it. Just trying to put some more options out there.
I used chinese herbs in the early stages of pregnancy with Immy. I used all the drugs, all the herbs, energy healings. I did the whole kit and caboodle. Finally it gave me my Princess.
I just pray with all I have that that little one in there decides he/she will set up camp for a good deal of time.
Thinking of you and sending you love and support...
Meredith - no words, just hugs and prayers I wish I could be there IRL to give you the support you need Hold DH close and look to counseling to keep you on the same page. It is a tough journey and they really hate seeing the pain and not being able to fix it. Keep talking to us - you have more support than you realise
Reply With Quoteto you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
BellyBelly Member
the nightmare continues.....
It must have felt horrible for the sonographer to have dismissed the unsurviving twin like that. I
the second one holds on and your DH gives you the support you need. You are such a deserving and caring person.
I hope you manage to find some peace while sleeping tonight and your body is able to take care of that little piece of hope inside of you.
some people have absolutely no idea.
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