Dory I feel the same and my history isn't as heartbreking as yours. With my DD almost 5yrs ago I couldn't prepare myself to have a baby out of fear there wouldn't be a baby I could take home. That was before I had trouble ttc or carrying. That was fueled by my work as a midwife. I was so under prepared and I guess I did that as protection so I think your completely rational to feel like that. Odds of that happening are so so slim and I do agree with Kit that reminding yourself its just a thought or fear might is a good idea as thats exactly what it is. Since having trouble ttc and then having a few early pregnancy losses the fear I had I am sure will be twice as bad this time as last time. I'm a mess and I am only 6weeks. You have done so incredibly well. To be honest those fears won't go until your holding your slimy wet screaming newborn (and then their replaced with other fears) its completely normal even when you have not been through what you have been.