Gender Disappointment?

[*mitch*]

Thanks Lucy... Reading your post was just like I had written it myself.. well apart from the last bit (cause I havent had Goober yet LOL)...


Thank you for your supportive message & you know I will let you know what Goober is LOL...

[Melbo]

I notice this has been bumped up again.

Well now that I am actually pg and actually having a boy I've had to re-examine my feelings again. Those of you who know a little of my history will know that this pg is the result of an IVF cycle after several years of infertility and that I am 37 and have no other children.

For some reason, I had always imagined I would have a daughter. When I saw myself with a baby it was with a girl, definitely not a boy. I have four nephews (only one niece) so it isn't a matter of not liking boys. There is no way I would not love my nephews or this baby because they are boys.

Right from the start of this pg, I have maintained that the baby would be a boy. I think it was partly to ready myself for that possibility because I knew there was a high likelihood that it would be a male and I didn't want to have any kind of reaction in front of the ultrasound technician. I'd also had a feeling from the earlier scans that it was a boy because it so closely resembled my husband, it was hard to imagine that this baby was a girl.

For various reasons (probably mainly to do with infertility) I had not bonded with the baby up until this most recent ultrasound. I decided I needed to know the sex to give the baby an identity and start referring to it by name. I had viewed the previous scans with much interest but complete emotional detachment. I was keen to feel SOMETHING because this not feeling anything was strange and unexpected to me. I thought because I had waited so long that I would be rapturously in love with the baby long before it was born so to not feel that was disquieting.

We saw the spine, the brain, the heart working as it should ... then we saw his face and the lips were making sucking movements. I thought "Oh, that's kind of sweet" and at that point I turned the corner. When the technician showed us the rather obvious male features of the baby, I didn't feel the let down that I thought. Instead there was just a feeling of acceptance and peace about it which was a relief.

I know once I see him for real that I will love him and of course there is nothing I wouldn't do for him even now but still in the back of my mind is the hope that one of the nine embryos we have on ice will give me a daughter. Of course there is no guarantee and I can't select the sex as it isn't allowed in Victoria so in the end, what will be will be.

I have been reading Steve Biddulph's "Raising Boys" and it has helped me to think about and deal with the fears that I had prior to this. I now believe it is possible to raise a son to be strong and capable without "toughening him up" and that boys don't have to have learning and social problems. I hope I will be able to parent him well.

Sorry for the long post ... I think I've taken up too much space

[Melbo]

Theresa,

Thanks for that. I feel like such an ungrateful freak having feelings like I have had considering how much effort went into getting this baby in the first place. It's hard to explain to people that it isn't that I don't like boys, it's that I don't like the way our society has chosen to raise boys over the years. They have different needs from girls and require different handling. There has to be another way. I really liked that book so I hope you like it too - if it turns out you need it of course! Good luck with your scan.

Mel

[neeny]

Hi all

I won't find out until 10 Jan but DH and I are hoping for a boy. HE's the only boy in his family and although his two sisters have 3 boys and one girl we still want a boy. My neice will be upset though because she thinks its time for another girl - she is only 7. I'm sure though we'll be fine with a girl as long as its healthy that is the main thing.

A friend of mine had two boys then tried this "choose your sex" diet and program and it worked for her she had her girl. She said she knows of 2 other people it worked for as well. If anyone wants to email me I can get the website address for you (once I contact my friend). Even if it doesn't work you can have fun trying! The most important thing here is that we all WANT a child and that is the best thing since there are so many unwanted children (ie China) in this world. I was reading in the current "Who" magazine that most of the overseas adopted children (by Australians) are from China and they are all unwanted girls. Can you imagine that if they continue to "throw away" their girls in that fashion for years to come how are they going to keep reproducing?

Oh well off my soap box now - for me its still a long wait!

[kt250]

As you can see from my signature I am not pg yet! Well I am in my 2WW! But was just scanning through the posts and thought I would add mine.

Like Neeny I really wanted a boy because of the family name and DH is so into motobikes etc and thought he would want a boy. When they got her out and said, "its a girl!" I looked at DH and said "I'm sorry". Alot of friends were worried about this because of PND etc.

Everyday that I look at her I wouldnt give her back for the world and DH just loves her to bits! I asked him if he was disappointed that we never got a boy and he just told me he was glad she was healthy. Then I asked him about the next one if we had a girl, and he said, "as long as the baby is healthy it doesnt matter, although I would PREFER a boy now".

I would prefer a boy this time but as DH said, as long as the baby is healthy that is really the main concern.

Love

[neeny]

Hi again

Well I found out today and its a girl! We were very surprised since we BD on O day too! OB said that Shettles thing isn't reliable. I was disappointed at first.

We're not telling anyone so they can keep guessing. Hope inlaws don't hound me for their boy "only one to carry on the name" grandchild. Have had a difficult pregnancy and don't think I will do this again. Unless we win lotto or DH gets a pretty big raise!

Looked at some girls' toys today and thought the dolls and barbie stuff was REALLY cute! So I guess I'm warming up to it. The only drawback really is having to pay for a wedding one day - maybe we can convince her to elope?

Anyway hope anyone else who is reading this isn't too upset about what they got - remember a healthy wanted child is more important!

[Geniebean]

We were convinced it was a boy but found out this morning that it's a girl. We're still over the moon. Both of us. We didn't really care either way. We're just having more trouble picking girl's names...

[Kellee]

What an interesting thread. I haven't had a chance to read through all the previous posts, but I thought I would share my experience.

I have a gorgeous boy, Charlie, who is 18 months old, and I'm 24 weeks pg with DS2. We didn't really mind either way, but I suppose it would be nice to have a girl too (we were thinking of having 3 kids anyway, so it might still happen). When we found out about 'Bob' (what we're calling him so far) we were really excited. When DH broke the news to everyone (I let him do the calling) he would ask, "Guess what we're having?" to which everyone would reply "A girl!" Then he'd have to tell them, no, it's a boy, and then they sounded disappointed. It made me really cross. I am worried that because this baby will be the same sex as our previous baby he won't be as doted upon because everyone will have had their fill of little boys with Charlie. I don't know if this a rational concern or not, but I will be always trying to make sure that DS2 feels just as important as Charlie.

Anyway, so that's what's happening with us.

[Lucy]

Kellee,

Congratulations on another little boy.....I am sure that once "Bob" appears he will be as much doted upon as your Charlie.

If it is any consolation, even if you were expecting a little girl, relatives often are less enthusiastic about #2 anyway, regardless of gender!

My daughter Olivia (nearly 2) still gets all the attention, and my son, who is 6 months (also called Charlie, great name!) was once referred to as "the other one"!!!!!! (I have to find it funny, otherwise I get too angry!)

[Kellee]

You handle it better than I would then, Lucy! I reckon that some of the people in my family will be getting well deserved slaps in the face if they don't take as much interest in Bob as they already do in Charlie! Maybe things will change when your Charlie is walking and talking - people seem to pay more attention when that happens. Here's hoping!

[Morgan]

Sorry about all the spelling mistakes in my post, I was very upset writing it.

I have tried to edit it, but the website keeps telling me there is an error when i go to re post it.

So here is my post again, I hope with out as many spelling mistakes so you might understand it:



I found out yesterday that I am having a boy and I am completely devastated.

I know that I am suppost to be greatful that all looks healthy but I woke up this morning feeling so terribly upset. This is my first child and for some reason I have always wanted to have a girl and have always seen myself with a girl. I come from a very close family and my sister has two boys, so I think part of my reason for wanting to have a girl was that I wanted to have the first girl instead of the third boy.

I know people say that once I see my baby I will not care what it's gender is, but I don't want to spend the next 4 months wishing that the baby inside of me wasn't there! I can't believe that I am so upset, I wanted my pregnancy to be such a happy time, not one filled with me feeling like I am this horrible person for being so disappointed. I am completely shocked at how I am feeling.

I don't want to upset any body and I am trying so hard to be happy about it, but I am just feeling more and more disappointed the more I try and be happy about having a boy.

If anybody can help me I would greatly appreciate it, as I so want to be excited about this baby.

[Morgan]

Excellent, it has just taken all my spelling mistakes and duplicated them.

I give up!

[Kellee]

Hi Morgan,

You are really brave to accept and admit the way you feel about this and I take my hat off to you. I hate that so many things are "assumed" about pregnant women and the fact that people expect you to be over the moon about the sex of your baby is one of them.

Big hugs to you. I, like Shannon, was going to suggest that maybe it would be a good idea to see a counsellor to help you work through the issues you're facing. Having a baby is a wonderful thing and I would hate for your experience to be marred by the way you're feeling. Also, having a baby can be a bloody DIFFICULT (!) thing, and sometimes you can feel really low - if you have these feelings already it might complicate things further on, so better to deal with it as early as you can.

It certainly is a common thing and I think more awareness needs to be brought to it. I really hope that you're able to find a way to feel good about your pregnancy. BB is a great source of support. Good luck.

[Morgan]

Dear Kellee, Shannon and Jillian

Thank you so much for your kind words. You will be glad to know that I have an appointment to see a councillor tonight.

I want so much to find out why this has affected me so much and move past it. I read the article on belly belly about Gender disappointment and I don't seem to fall into any of those categorises.

I can't believe I am this upset about it, I have one friend that has had seven goes at IVF and still can't get pregnant, and another friend that was due around the same time I am and lost the baby. Here I am with a healthy baby and I don't want it. I would not wish these feelings on any body; I have never felt so distressed and unhappy ever before in my life. I imagine that PND must be similar though worst because the baby is there, and you are suppose to have fallen in love with it as soon as you see it.

I have been speaking to friends about my feelings, and it has been interesting how the truth has been coming out about how they felt when they found out they where also having a boy, even my sister who has always said up to now that she was really happy to have her boys told me last night that it really took her a week to come to terms with the fact that her first child was a boy.

I think one of the things that makes it so hard is that you feel like no one else could ever feel like this, but it appears that I am not the only one. Though I think my feelings are on the extreme end and I don’t know why. Most women talk about being disappointed and then getting over it, at the moment I feel like I am never going to.

Please if anybody reads this a finds they feel disgusted with the fact that somebody could feel like this and not just be happy about having a healthy baby, you are right I feel the same!

Morgan

[Kellee]

I'm really glad that you have booked in to see a counsellor. NOBODY should be 'disgusted' that you feel the way you do - least of all you. There could be underlying reasons that you feel this way that you might not discover until you talk to someone about it, so you really shouldn't blame yourself. I know that some women get antenatal depression and maybe you've got a mild form of it (not meaning to scare you, just trying to find a reason). Whatever it turns out to be, it IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Give yourself some time - it hasn't been long since you found out. Thinking of you...
... Kellee.

[Melbo]

Morgan - good luck with the counselling and no, you are not alone in this by a long shot. I always wanted a girl too. Feel free to email or PM if you would like to talk.

Melissa

[Morgan]

Dear Kellee, Jillian, Shannon and Melissa

Thank you so much for your support.

Well I went to the counselling session and it was amazing.

Kellee you were right, there are some really strong underlying issues that I would not have realised if I had not gone to see her.

I am going to be pretty general but there was lots of stuff around my femineity and being proud of the kind of women that I am, along with some second sibling issues.

The femineity issue was the big one, so I am going to keep going to she the counsellor so that I can resolve it and move pass it.

I am feeling so much better about having a boy, as I have realised that it wasn't that I didn't want a boy to the extreme that I thought I did, but that I had so much tied to having a girl. Just knowing this has made me feel so much better, as I just couldn't understand why I felt so against it. I am still not over the moon about having a boy but I am defiantly feeling better about it.

I hope that if any body else comes across this forum and feels how I did, please go and see someone because you might find that it has nothing to do with the sex of your child, but something different. Also the big thing that both the counsellor and you girls have said, is that it is OK to feel disappointed, that you aren’t the devil for feeling this way. I know for me that really helped. Because the feelings that you have towards yourself I think are worst than anything else.

I still want a girl, so here's hoping I can have the pigeon pair, but if I don’t I am hoping that it will become less important.

Thank you so much again for your support,

Morgan

[lilly2]

Morgan,
know its been a while since you posted but I've only just read this and wanted to say that it appears you feel exactly as I have felt only about a reverse situation. I desparately wanted a boy for my first and in about a week I'll be having a girl. Unfortunately since 20 weeks my pregnancy has been marred by disappointment in knowing I'll be having a girl. I've tried desparately to get to a better head space and I think I am there now. What has helped me is to stop looking for the answers outside of myself and look inwards. I'm not allowing any more negative talk about what having a girl will mean and only allow myself to focus on the positives. Like you I was caught completely by surprise by the depth of my feelings - I knew I wanted a boy, but I never knew how much I didn't want a girl! And that's the key for me, I have a lot of unjustified beliefs about how much work a girl will be and that it won't be good. I have a distant mother who finds it hard to show love to me and I'm sure this is part of the problem - I don't want to experience this kind of relationship again. Of course that is up to me to make sure this doesn't happen.

Again, like you I struggled to conceive on IVF. Of course I must of known there was a chance in having a girl and I honestly wasn't worried about it back then. I do believe that once I have the baby things will be better - I just have to be positive and confident in my ability and what lies ahead.

Feel free to email me at girly807@hotmail.com or PM me. I have tried to PM you but i have been unable.

Best of luck and try not to be so hard on yourself.


Lilly