"It's a boy." 3 little words, that are supposed to be some of the happiest you ever hear and my world came crashing down, or at least that's how it feels right now. Intellectually I know it's far from the end of the world, but emotionally, I just can't cope right now.

I am a mother of the most beautiful girl ever (not that I'm biased!). She is 18mths. I am almost 20 wks pregnant with #2. My husband & I are currently separated. We made the decision to separate in early January and he moved out on Jan 21.

As you can imagine the past few months have been incredibly difficult. But all through it, I was so sure that I was having my 2nd girl. Another beautiful daughter. A sister for my darling girl. And I was already picturing what life would be like - me and my girls.

I found out at my ultrasound on Friday that my second child is a boy. Life as a pregnant single mum is terrifying enough. I just had no idea how hard it would hit me if this child wasn't a girl.

I never wanted 3 children. I always wanted 2. But now all I can think about is how/when I could have a third child so that I can have my 2nd girl. I can't bear to go into the room where all DD1s baby clothes are; all these beautiful little girl things that I was so certain the new baby would wear. I have virtually nothing unisex. I can't bear the thought of getting rid of them. All of my baby bedding, wraps, you name it is all girl girl girl. I have nothing for a boy.

It has been so bitter sweet playing with my DD since I found out. All I can think is "It won't be like this with a boy". I have barely been able to stop crying since Friday.

I don't want to go into any baby stores because I can't bear to see all the beautiful girl clothes and things. I couldn't be bothered thinking about a name. I just don't care at all right now.

I feel like a monster. How could I feel like this about my own baby? I feel totally disconnected from this baby, who, up until I got the news, I felt totally connected with. I was so sure I was having a girl. Even my husband thought it was a girl.

My husband has been absolutely amazing. I know he was desperately hoping for a boy and is over the moon about it; not that he has let his excitement or joy over it show at all because he knows how devastated I am. He has been so supportive. He has just let me cry and stayed with me so I won't be alone. He completely understands my despair and is totally there for me. He has even mentioned a third child, even though we are separated and at this stage it looks like we won't be getting back together!

I spent the day yesterday and today with DD and my husband, but last night had to come home about 5pm (DD was staying with her Dad; although he was more than happy to give up his weekend with her if I wanted her with me). In all honesty I just had to get away from DD for a bit. She is the most beautiful girly girl you could ever imagine. She is my life. And it was just this stabbing pain that I won't have that again with this new baby.

I am just such a mess. I don't know how to cope. I know I am grieving for the girl I am not going to have and probably will never have. I thank God I found this forum. At least I know I am not the only one, even if it feels like I am the worst mother in the world right now.

My best friend is pregnant as well and only a week behind me. She finds out what she is having on Tuesday. If she is having a girl, I really don't know how I am going to deal with it. That is making me feel sick as well. Even worse another good friend who has a DD the same age as mine is having her second child in March. I don't know what I'll do if she has a girl.

Anyway, thank you for reading this (if you still are!!). I just don't know what to do right now. I can't get excited about getting ready for this baby at all.

I know this probably sounds very superficial - the talk of clothes and the like. I think it is just too soon to really articulate the true grief and loss I am suffering in not having the girl I thought I was having.

I have read all of the posts here and have connected so much with what has been said by others; particularly Caro (I have ordered that book!). Thank you all so much for your courage in being able to express how you feel. Your words have given me hope. It is hard for me to imagine feeling differently than I do now, but I pray that in time I will.

I am just so terrified I won't bond with this child and be able to love him the way I do my DD. I am so terrified I will resent him for not being the daughter that I had so wanted. I have read other ladies say that even after their sons were born that although they loved them, the pain of not having the daughter they expected/wanted never goes away. I can't imagine living with this agony for the rest of my life.

It's all so screwed up and I never knew I was capable of such feelings. I am filled with guilt and hatred about how I feel but I just can't get past it.