Gender Disappointment?

[Melbo]

I've posted in this thread before about gender anxiety and I'm an IVF mother. These feelings still occur in those of us who have tried for many years for a baby.

Babushka, yes I believe that gut feelings are so often right. I just knew ours was a boy right from the start and really wasn't surprised when the ultrasound operator confirmed it.

[sushee]

Mel, I thought C was a girl for the better part of my pg! Shows you how off my instincts have become! Lol! And have gone back to read your other posts on the subject, and am feeling a better about hoping for a girl next time. Thank you.

And BTW congrats Michelle on the 99.9% probability that you're going to have a girl!

[mum5boys]

Caro, everyone is entitled to their feelings about certain topics and you shouldn't be ashamed of the way you feel at times or feel that you are selish.
People probably think I am a horrid person because of the way I am feeling at the moment if this baby happens to be a boy especially since I am very lucky and have 5 beautiful boys already but this is a thread about gender disappointment and this is where our feelings are most accepted and understood by others who feel the same.

Take Care
Michelle

[Trish]

Michelle, that is fantastic news for you hun. Of course I know a litltle boy would be perfect for you. But how exciting is it to know you have a little pink bundle all tucked up inside you. Do you think you will have another scan to be 100% sure?? I know that I did with Tehya, I had to be mentally prepared I think.

[simone]

I had 2 boys, then a girl, which i always knew was going to happen. Thats the way its always been in Dh's family, so i wasnt too bothered. But my SIL refuses to have the 3rd child, as she believes she will break tradition and have a third boy, and she is afraid she will acutally reject the baby... She was so mad at me when i found out i was having a girl at my 19w u/s... but now she's sticking with 2, and spoils her niece instead.

[jemima]

I have posted in here before about feeling a upset that I had missed out on having a baby girl - well that was before I got pregnant unexpectedly for the third time. Now I am feeling so stressed about whether or not I am having a girl or a boy.

Obviously I would dearly love a girl and there will be some disappointment if I have another boy (gee I feel bad saying that) but everyone is placing all this added stress on me by saying you will definitely have a girl its fate and the heartbeat means it has to be a girl and you need to find out the sex to prepare yourself (we have said we are not going to find out) and I feel like all these people will pity me if I have another boy as they know I wanted a girl and I dont want them to feel that way. If I have another boy I will love him so much and there are so many positives to having three boys. I feel so stressed about this.

There are pros and cons for us to finding out the sex - if it is a girl YAY and if it is a boy it could potentially be a very long pregnancy. This post sounds really bad and I hope people dont think I am horrible but I just needed to get some of this off my chest.

I am sick of people talking about the fact that I will definitely have a girl casue I may not. I am reading into everything that is being said to me such as the sonographer called the baby a he at the end of the 12 week scan and when I asked her about it she said she refers to the baby as a he rather than it - which is fair enough but I cant get this comment out of my head - I keep going definitely a boy !! Then the heartbeat indicates it is a girl - which I know is an old wives tale so I am going between feeling like it is a boy to a girl and I feel like i am going insane!!

Sorry for this long post but this has been playing on my mind for ages to the point where I feel sick when I think about it. Gee I sound a bit unstable - just joking LOL!!!!
Hope this makes sense.
Thanks
Jem

[jemima]

Thanks Caro. It makes be feel so much better to think that I am not the only one out there feeling this way. It kind of becomes all consuming and at the moment I cant seem to think about anything other than this pregnancy so then there is the guilt of feeling like I am not giving my everything to DS1 and 2. But thats a totally different story!!!

I am so glad that you dont let peoples comments get to you - I think I need to develop a bit of a tougher skin and not let things get to me. You would think that people would realise that making all of these girl comments puts huge amounts of stress on me. My mantra will now be "I will not let these comments get to me" and I will have to repeat this over and over LOL!!!

Not that I was ever one to dream from a young age about having children, but when I did think about having children I never ever imagined that I would not have a girl and I am now faced with a very real possiblity that this may happen. If I have a boy I wll love him desperately but gee wizz a girl would be nice!!!

Thanks again.
Jem

[min]

We have 1 son, and when I fell pregnant with # 2 I desperately wanted a girl, and I was convinced this one was a girl, but ultrasound proved me wrong!!! I thought I would be so dissapointed, but when she said is definately a boy, there was no dissapointment whatsoever, I immediately thought how wonderful for Jackson to have a little brother so close in age to him, and remembered all the wonderful things I love about having a boy. I can't wait to have a little troup of them now. We will be having another child down the track, but not so we can try for a girl, as so many people suggest to us, but because I know now I really would be happy with all boys!

[Lukesmum]

Min, I was the same as you. Really wanted a girl and was convinced I was having a girl until the ultrasound confirmed that I was having another boy. I didn't know how I was going to react if it was a boy but when the lady said that it was definately a boy I was ok. It was all my family and friends reaction that made me disappointed. I had lots of reactions like " Oh that's terrrible news" and "You must be really disappointed". It makes me think that for some people gender disppointment is made worse by the comments of others.

[min]

who the hell would say "that is terrible news" to someone! That is awful, it is sooo not other peoples place to make comments like that!

[estejaz]

I've just had my 20 week ultrasound and was told by the radiologist that we're having a girl (80-90% certainty). My husband and I have been believing for a boy since we got married 7 years ago. We've both had some fertility issues and it has taken over 3 years just to conceive but on hearing that news this morning I was crushed and have been crying all day. I'm experiencing some very conflicting feelings and the joy of having a child has vanished. I don't want a girl, never have and never believed I would. I'd rather give it away. Am I the only one to feel like this?

[Trish]

OH Hun, I am so sorry that you feel this way. Trust me when I say that one day you will look back and wonder how you can think these things.

I was the opposite though, I was wanting the girl and got 3 very gorgeous boys before getting my princess.

Your baby needs you as her mother, you are the one that has been chosen to do such a job. Your little girl will love you like no other can, and soon enough you too will feel the same for her.

Huge hugs to you sweety.

BTW, welcome to BellyBelly

[katkins]

I've had 2 girls and everyone asks if we will try for a boy next. I am unsure if I will TRY for any sex. I am happy to have another girl, but I would love to give DH a son and I would love to know what raising a boy is like so I would like a boy. But if at the 20wk US I was told it's a girl, I'd be very happy with that too

[Tammy05]

I really wanted a boy the first time and I had a precious little boy. This time I would love a girl but have a feeling its a boy. It doesn't really matter just yet as I have another couple of tries after this one. If I don't have a girl I will be disappointed but it's more important that they are healthy and live a happy life.

[oneofeach]

"It's a boy." 3 little words, that are supposed to be some of the happiest you ever hear and my world came crashing down, or at least that's how it feels right now. Intellectually I know it's far from the end of the world, but emotionally, I just can't cope right now.

I am a mother of the most beautiful girl ever (not that I'm biased!). She is 18mths. I am almost 20 wks pregnant with #2. My husband & I are currently separated. We made the decision to separate in early January and he moved out on Jan 21.

As you can imagine the past few months have been incredibly difficult. But all through it, I was so sure that I was having my 2nd girl. Another beautiful daughter. A sister for my darling girl. And I was already picturing what life would be like - me and my girls.

I found out at my ultrasound on Friday that my second child is a boy. Life as a pregnant single mum is terrifying enough. I just had no idea how hard it would hit me if this child wasn't a girl.

I never wanted 3 children. I always wanted 2. But now all I can think about is how/when I could have a third child so that I can have my 2nd girl. I can't bear to go into the room where all DD1s baby clothes are; all these beautiful little girl things that I was so certain the new baby would wear. I have virtually nothing unisex. I can't bear the thought of getting rid of them. All of my baby bedding, wraps, you name it is all girl girl girl. I have nothing for a boy.

It has been so bitter sweet playing with my DD since I found out. All I can think is "It won't be like this with a boy". I have barely been able to stop crying since Friday.

I don't want to go into any baby stores because I can't bear to see all the beautiful girl clothes and things. I couldn't be bothered thinking about a name. I just don't care at all right now.

I feel like a monster. How could I feel like this about my own baby? I feel totally disconnected from this baby, who, up until I got the news, I felt totally connected with. I was so sure I was having a girl. Even my husband thought it was a girl.

My husband has been absolutely amazing. I know he was desperately hoping for a boy and is over the moon about it; not that he has let his excitement or joy over it show at all because he knows how devastated I am. He has been so supportive. He has just let me cry and stayed with me so I won't be alone. He completely understands my despair and is totally there for me. He has even mentioned a third child, even though we are separated and at this stage it looks like we won't be getting back together!

I spent the day yesterday and today with DD and my husband, but last night had to come home about 5pm (DD was staying with her Dad; although he was more than happy to give up his weekend with her if I wanted her with me). In all honesty I just had to get away from DD for a bit. She is the most beautiful girly girl you could ever imagine. She is my life. And it was just this stabbing pain that I won't have that again with this new baby.

I am just such a mess. I don't know how to cope. I know I am grieving for the girl I am not going to have and probably will never have. I thank God I found this forum. At least I know I am not the only one, even if it feels like I am the worst mother in the world right now.

My best friend is pregnant as well and only a week behind me. She finds out what she is having on Tuesday. If she is having a girl, I really don't know how I am going to deal with it. That is making me feel sick as well. Even worse another good friend who has a DD the same age as mine is having her second child in March. I don't know what I'll do if she has a girl.

Anyway, thank you for reading this (if you still are!!). I just don't know what to do right now. I can't get excited about getting ready for this baby at all.

I know this probably sounds very superficial - the talk of clothes and the like. I think it is just too soon to really articulate the true grief and loss I am suffering in not having the girl I thought I was having.

I have read all of the posts here and have connected so much with what has been said by others; particularly Caro (I have ordered that book!). Thank you all so much for your courage in being able to express how you feel. Your words have given me hope. It is hard for me to imagine feeling differently than I do now, but I pray that in time I will.

I am just so terrified I won't bond with this child and be able to love him the way I do my DD. I am so terrified I will resent him for not being the daughter that I had so wanted. I have read other ladies say that even after their sons were born that although they loved them, the pain of not having the daughter they expected/wanted never goes away. I can't imagine living with this agony for the rest of my life.

It's all so screwed up and I never knew I was capable of such feelings. I am filled with guilt and hatred about how I feel but I just can't get past it.

[Melbo]

Hi ladies,

I think one of the things that has come out of this thread for me is that feelings of disappointment in relation to gender are sometimes not what we think they're about. I know this was definitely true in my case. I think knowing the gender early on gave me an opportunity not only to accept it but also to get to the root of why I was having these feelings. Believe me you are not alone in feeling guilty and ashamed over them ... I think we all have at one point. It seems hard to believe at this point but when you work it out, you will get over those feelings. When your child is born, you will love them ... they will turn out to be just who you wanted. All I can say is that you've taken the first step in the right direction by acknowledging it and talking with others who've had the same feelings.

Best of luck,

Mel

[ttcno2]

oneofeach

im really sorry to hear about your pain...much love and hugs to you

you've possibly read my post about my devastation about having two boys, when i desperately wanted a girl...i can relate to almost all of what you said, and especially feel the same about friends having the gender you want and feeling desperately jealous.

however, i am coming to terms with the fact that i wont be a mother to a daughter, and am having moments of peace about it...even occasional excitement. my inital devastation is definitely fading, and i feel better as the days go on.

i truly believe that right now is the hardest point in time for you, and as the days go on, you will start to feel better. i know thats prob hard to believe right now, but almost everyone who has posted here and in other places says the same thing - this pain doesnt last...you WILL bond with this little boy, you WILL love him and when he is born you wont even think about hiim being a "boy", he will just be your baby, and you will love him just like you do your daughter. his gender will hardly be noticed because he is not just a boy, he is a little person that you will grow to love so passionately you will not want to swap him for a million other little girls.

while i would have loved a girl (and in all honesty, im kind of jealous that you have one!), i would have missed out on SO much if i never had my boy..i wanted a girl initially when i had him and although i was disappointed to start with, now that i know him i feel SO LUCKY to have had a little boy and think thank goodness he is a wonderful boy and not a girl...i think you have the best of both worlds in having one of each (i know it doesnt feel this way right now)
.
if you can, write down some good things about having boys (even if you dont believe
them, write them down anyway)...there is an endless list..here let me help:

(btw, for those of you who only have girls, please dont read this in case it offends - understand the context in which it is written - for those of us who are having girls and are feeling sad about it, so just be understanding even if you dont agree!)

little boys are so much fun:
they have an amazing sense of humour, even right from toddlers
they love to make you laugh
they love their mums with a passion
they are affectionate (often people say more than girls)
they play with some pretty cool toys and have amazing energy
they are beautiful "little" children for a bit longer than girls, who grow up a bit faster

teenage boys:
are less moody most of the time
dont have as many *****y girly friend issues
dont get pregnant (okay, okay, i know they can GET girls preg, but our boys wont!!)
are loyal, love to protect and stick up for their mum
are funny and will have you in stitches
dont compete with their mums nor are as critical of their mums
they teach you about stuff you might not have been interested in - expand your horizons and make you a different, better person
i think generally probably cause less grief..

grown up boys:
love their mums
often have a great relationship with their mums
often give their mums a great da in law to talk to
get to be the sensitive new age men we have raised them to be...

the other thing i would say is that your little girl will love having a little brother, she will be able to teach him lots of stuff, she wont be in direct competition with him, she will probably get on better with him as a teen than she would with another girl, she will learn about boys because of him, and they will be delight to watch together.

remember, as the days go on, you will feel better. just hang in there during this hard bit and it will pass...

finally - go buy some gorgeous little boy overalls or little vests, (walk past the girl clothes with your eyes determinedly shut).

good luck, let us know how you are feeling as the days go by.

[oneofeach]

Thankyou for your kind words ttcno2 and Melbo. It makes me feel even worse that I can feel this way about my son when I already have a daughter. I know there are so many out there who have not had and may not have a daughter at all and so desparately want one.

Your link worked fine ttcno2. I had actually already found that site (I relentlessly tracked down everything I could on GD over the weekend!). It was of help to me too.

My friend who has a girl already and is having no 2 in March came over today. She doesn't know what gender no 2 is. She was so supportive and not judgmental at all. I even felt comfortable enough to say that I didn't know if I'd deal with it very well to start with if she has another girl. She seemed to understand. She wasn't judgmental at all.

I will have to do some boy shopping when I feel stronger. Right now I'm just not up to it. Every shop you go into is so overrun with the most gorgeous little girl things. And it's not the 'things' that are so devastating but what they represent.

I can't even bear to go onto the parenting site I normally spend alot of time on because I am obsessed with all the member's signatures and get a stab every time I see one with 2 or more girls. I really am messed up at present. We went to the park yesterday and I was watching all the other parents and kids, seeing 'who had what'. When I spotted some families with 2 little girls, it was awful.

Anway, I am back on anti-depressants for now (I have had clinical depression and PND, and this whole situation has just pushed me over the edge). I see my psychologist (who I have been seeing due to my separation) tomorrow.

Thank you all again. Thank heavens for a safe place like this where I can be truly honest about how I feel.