puppies, I know just what you mean! My mother has been pretty disinterested throughout - sounds very much like yours 'tuned out' describes it exactly. When we first told her, she had a friend with her so had to act all excited etc. but after that it was all about her for months on end. Then last week she saw someone with newborn twins and decided it was suddenly exciting! I imagine that won't last though. To be honest, its pretty much what I expected. She's always been very self-involved. When I was first getting my courage to tell her I was pregnant I wasn't sure what I was more worried about - that she would take no interest (insulting) or whether after 34 years of taking no interest in my life, she would suddenly be all over me because I was pregnant (also insulting)! I am VERY VERY lucky though, my stepmother is so great - she has three kids and was a midwife before they were born, absolutely loves babies and said that us being pregnant made her year. She has done a million things for me while I have been pregnant, and so has my dad, who is very excited too. My stepmother even organised my baby shower... it was pretty funny that she organised it and invited my mother as a guest. Parents in law have also been pretty good too. It took me many years to learn not to be disappointed in my mother's relationship with me, and I'm still not all the way there. All I can say is it really makes you appreciate the people who do care.
Puppies, Mums are mums we love them but they're not always on the same page as us!
My mum comes to my scans, looks after my kids and ask's how I feel today but I don't think that she has any idea how far along i am unless she asks.
When it's time for the birth, she comes running and will help with my two monkeys but that's about it, tho she works full time so I think she does a great job!
Snoopea
The Pixie,
Your step mum sounds great! Can I adopt her? Must admit this isn't just about the pregnancy. Mum has been like this about anything in my life that she doesn't share an interest in herself. We had horses together for years and if it wasn't for that I think we would be strangers! She is just a big kid that goes through fad's. She is just not naturally maternal, never has been. And to be honest she had a horrible childhood and her parents were drunks. So she probably didn't learn anything from them. I think I am maternal, but it comes naturally to me cause I sure didn't learn it from my parents.
I cant really rely on my MIL cause my SIL is a very jealous person and she likes to be the center of attention all the time. Although she seems to be very positive about the baby and even wants to throw me a baby shower. But my MIL have joined a gym together and we hang out there together and keep it quiet from her daughter cause she will get upset that we are hanging out so much. It's terrible that we have to hide behind her back just to prevent a scene. Although she is 27 years old. Its a strange thing, but she caused a scene once when we got caught doing grocery shopping together. It was embarrasing the way she behaved in the shops. So you see its hard to rely on MIL cause she has to give her daughter number one priority as she should and well unless my SIL grows up all of a sudden, its always going to be something that keeps me from really relying on MIL for support. So that is always in the back of my mind. I am hoping a new baby coming into the family might make everyone get their priorities right but again I think that expectation is way too high!
I think alot of problems in relationships comes from unknown expectations.
My mum died when I was 27 and would have been a great Nana, even with the 700km distance - I wouldn't have been able to get rid of her. My dad remarried when I was 6 months preg so that was his life - and my stepmother has a daughter who has 1 child, and is expecting her 2nd a month after this bubba comes, so I know I won't see them or get a visit unless we go home at Christmas time.
My bestie here - her mother has moved down 12 months ago from Sydney to be here for my friend - and at times it drives me insanely jealous - she has just had another baby and her mum picks her other daughter up and takes her to and from school cos bub feeds - she said - otherwise her daughter will turn up messy hair, teeth not brushed - and I said - like my kids will later this year and next year?? I regretted it but wanted her to realise how much her mum does and to not take it for granted. I don't have any other family here, and try not to dwell on it - it is just the way it is.
Only advice really is to reassess your expectations, and why you have them. I definitely don't mean to sound harsh, but just because we are pregnant, doesn't mean the world stops - KWIM??
Yeah your right. My friends parents died when she was 17 and she gets by. But I can tell you I will be there for her as much as I can if she gets pregnant. Cause I couldn't imagine having no parents at all. So I guess I should stop complaining and be grateful for what I have even if it is not what I expected.
Thanks for bringing me back down to earth!
Puppies,
your mum and my mum sound like they were hatched from the same egg,im not making excuses for my mum she is a bipolar sufferer and i think it has impacted on her life somewhat,she never really has been there for us either,her partner always came first.
Though she does do nice things out of the blue and the other day sent me a money order for $100 to go buy myself some sexy maternity clothes as she puts it with a really lovely card(i cried when i got it cos im not just used to it)i think a alot of it is the baby boomer generation and they feel like they done their job and wanna live their own lives and most can be quite selfish(not all ladies im not saying everyones mum)my MIL is still coming to terms shes gonna be grandma for the 1st time,shes an older Italian lady and very old school,but in the same token shes been making me stuff and says i dont want interfere,your baby and times have changed but im sure as the day gets closer some may change their tune,im not even expecting my mum to even come to visit me in hospital(she hates them,ie the whole hospitalisation with her mental illness)hates travelling long distances in car(she 2 hours or so away)nobody to look after animals etc etc so you get my picture,hell ive lived in my new house for 3 years and shes never been here..sad but we just gotta deal with it,i vowed and so did DH we will never be the parents that ours were..
cheers bon
Here , Here. I am not going to say my parents did a bad job. I do believe they did the best they could. But my parents are very much the opposite of how I want to be a parent. My dad never showed us hardly any affection. A bear hug every now and then was a treat I looked forward to. In fact I can barely remember him being around. He never came to school activities and neither did mum from what I can remember. She would do pony club with me etc but that was because it was an interest she shared. Dad came to a show once but did not stay long. We were always burdened with the family finances for as long as I can remember and when I first started working I used to hid the new shoes or clothes I would buy myself cause we always got hit with the guilt trip of hoe many bills were due and that they would like new things too but had to pay bills. We always paid board as soon as we started working and we had to share the bills and buy our own toiletries. So saving was something we could never do as kids. I paid for all my horses and their needs myself, which took a lot of what little income I was earning as a check out chick. I always hear that parents are still helping their adult kids with money. My SIL wouldn't be where she is today without the hand outs she gets from her parents. DH doesn't get the hand outs cause he is a boy and now that we are married they assume we don't need any help (go figure). But I can only remember once or twice that I borrowed money from my folks but I assure you it had to be paid back. I guess this has made me more smarter with money and responsabilities although sometimes I felt it was a bit tough as a kid to be weighed down so much with the financial responsabilities of my parents.
That I will never do to my child. They will learn to respect money, but I will never use guilt trips on them and make them feel bad for enjoying their earnings.
to you puppies. My mum wasn't involved at all. I didn't really expect it though, so it wasn't a shock, although it still niggled at me sometimes. There was ONCE she said oh I guess I should take you shopping and get a car seat or something then huh. I told her not to bother...lol. She's more involved when she sees Oskar now though, but that still holds a sore point for me cos she hardly did anything with Joshua at the same age - go figure!!
Anyway, I don't know what to say that may help. Could you possibly tell her a little how you are feeling? Another for you, hope you feel better.
My mother did buy some things for DS - while I did appreciate things like the moses basket, bedding for the cotbed I'd bought and changetable, I didn't appreciate being made to change my mind over the bedding I wanted because it wasn't "cute enough" or "colourful enough" for a baby. I wanted soft pastels, not bold jungle animals!
But supportive involvement all went to my cousin. My mum did her gardening even! MiL was nice and friendly, but she had a granddaughter already so was more involved in her. My mother also told me I wasn't as big as I should be, I didn't feel kicks when we'd SEEN the things, that I didn't want to do breastfeeding, cloth nappies, co-sleeping or demand feeding, let alone look after my DS when he cried... She just seems to be the polar opposite parent to me. Which has caused more distance between us because I'm doing it "wrong"... personally, I want my DS to love me and WANT to spend time with me, not remember a mummy always too busy for him with cleaning or other people. I think it makes you a better person not having Mummy run around after you, but that's my biased opinion.
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