I just want to know what is the normal involvement of your maternal mother in your pregnancy. For example, how often does she help, offer advice. How often do you talk. Does she help with the house work ironing etc.
Although my mum seems happy about her 3rd grandchild in construction she is just not maternal at all. She doesn't help me even though I have asked for help. She only wants to talk about her life and when I see here she only wants to be entertained instead of just relaxing. She is very high maintenance and just this morning she forgot how far along I was. Which I have to say really upset me. I don't want to bag her out or judge her. I just expected my mum to be more maternal and helpful and interested. But maybe I am wrong.
P.S. My mum and dad divorced 2 years ago and she has a boyfriend she has been seeing for about 6 months now. And when we catch up its all she ever talks about. I feel like I am her mother all of the time.
Aww puppies sorry your mum isn't as supportive as you'd like
Mine was really involved - she was pregnant as well so we were great sounding boards for each other. I lived more thna an hour away while I was pregnant and I was working full time, and she was running a business and had my 16 & 11 year old brothers so we didn't see each other a lot, but we certainly talked heaps.
What's your MIL like? My MIL was a great resource for support as well, maybe invest some time in devolping a better relationship with her? Good luck sweetie.
Oh darl I'm so sorry your mum's not as supportive as you'd like...
I understand it's hard - even though my mum has been great, she still doesn't offer the sort of support I imagined she would... I guess I've learnt that she's different to me, and that I shouldn't have certain expectations and that way I don't get disappointed.
Do you feel like you can tell her how you feel?
I know exactly what you are going through, and I'm sorry. It sucks! This is my parents first grandchild and I've seen them maybe 4 times through the whole pregnancy. Mum has called me about 5 times, after I've called another family member upset that she isn't involved. She actually hasn't even got anything for the baby yet. Not that i expect it you know, but when my bestie was pregnant she went out shopping with her all the time and bought her little things here and there and my mum didn't even both to get anything for my baby shower. It hurts, i know, especially when I ask her to come visit and help me get things ready and she says no. She says she is coming up net Tuesday but I suppose as Shel said believe it when I see it...
So I know what you are going through. I really hope she gets better through the pregnancy. But as others have told me, try not to stress about her too much... you're creating your own family now and if she chooses not to be involved then it is her missing out on this time in your life. I know nothing replaces a mum, but maybe you could adopt-a-mum so to speak, if you have any friends or your mums friends or someone that you can talk to and ask for advice etc.
I don't really know what to say to help to be honest as I'm going through the same thing but I am thinking of you and I hope she comes around.
My mum has had very little to do with my PG, mostly because she wont support my decissions & thinks that everythings the same as it was when I was born 24 years ago!!!
I've had a few different comments that have really got my goat
"Why do you want a drug free birth? People who do that arent normal"
"Take the drugs thats what they're there for"
"You've never been a mum, how will you cope?"
As well as anything I talk about in regards to clothing sizes (she thinks a 0000 wont fit a newborn coz I was 5 pounds & straight in 000, in 1984!!!) or tests, or anything to do with the PG at all. Im wrong I dont know what Im talking about. Even though most of the stuff is on leaflets and all in a folder, and when I did show her "Oh they're wrong, it wasnt like that when you were born"
And now she's started turning up at our house unannounced, and like yours expects to be entertained, then has a go about our house not being spotless. (Our house is 30-45mins away from hers, so if Im not home I dont hear the end of it, even though she doesnt call first to see if Ill be there). I speak to her maybe once a fortnight - 3weeks (this has increased since I became pg)
Most of the things she has said or done has been negative, so when she demanded to be at the birth I told her flat out no. I need someone there to support & encourage not someone telling me Im doing it wrong.
Best of luck with your mum & the remainder of your pregnancy
I hear you. My mum has been pretty unsupportive too. Especially in this pg. She was a bit better last time, but this time she's just tuned out. She has brough him clothes and things, but thats not the sort of support I'm looking for. Especially with an active toddler to look after. All I can say is I hope she comes around and starts to give you what you need.
hi puppies
My mum is 600km away and always asked me how i am with the pregnancy on messenger or phone every few days or so.
So i cant really tell you from the other point of physically being here.
I got to spend the day with her on tuesday (she hasnt seen DD since mothers day and befroe that xmas) and i guess is very excited to see her, but she has always been a busy SAHM and so if there is nothing to do she raids my laundry or folding or cooks lol... its just her.
I am sorry your expectations of your mum arent being met... perhaps talk to her about it over a nice cup of hot choccy? i am sure if she knew how you felt she would help more maybe?
With DD1 my mum was not at all supportive. I was only 17. But she was there during the birth as was MIL & I don't think I could've gotten through with out them. DH had no idea!
With DD2 she wasn't too impressed, but she got over it. Because of my first pregnancy I felt uncomfortable talking about it with her, so I didn't. She did look after DD1 for me when she could though.
With DS it was the first time she had ever actually said congratulations to me. She was happy. It took 3 babies for my mum to be happy for me. That hurt.
She has never helped with anything else though. We moved 8 hours away from her when DD2 was 4 weeks old. When we lived there, she rarely came to see us. If she did she'd drop in for 10 or 20 minutes & go again.
My dad used to ring us up to go over there. Even if our car was out of rego he expected us to just come over whenever he wanted.
Mum has a takeaway shop & I worked for her while pg with DD1. I'd be there all day, then have to ask for $10 petrol money to get home. I got nothing else for helping her out.
I worked for her after DD1 was born & for the first 4 months DH looked after her. After that he was doing alot of night shift & needed sleep, so mum would take her & go home while I looked after the shop so she could have the afternoons off. About a month later my dad had a go at me, coz mum was supposed to go home for a break, but she had to deal with my DD instead.
I was crushed. It sounded like they hated having her there. 3 or 4 hours of an afternoon is easy. DD1 was a good baby & they should've enjoyed having her around just for a few hours.
Anyway. Enough of my winge. Thats my parents. They are getting better, but it was really hard back then. Its still hard & I still have no help, but its heaps better just knowing I can talk to her now. About anything. She is happy with me now.
Thanks girls. I appreciate your support. Although I don't have a mean mum, she is just distant and I really don't think its intentional. Skittlebub, I am sorry for your situation. I think that is much worse than having a mum that is just tuned out.
I have tried to talk to her and I ended up having to be really blunt with her. But she behaves a bit like a child. She just listens to what she wants to and ignores the rest. I am starting to think its the beginings of dementia or something. I would love to spend more time with my MIL as she has the natural maternal instinct. She has bought so much for the baby already. She got singlets and stuff that will be useful when having a baby in the middle of summer. DH was born January 8 so she remembers what it was like being pregnant in summer etc. And she is 65! My mum wanted to buy something for the baby but she wont just buy something on her own she asks me what should she buy. Well I guess I am asking too much for a little common sense since I have never had a baby before and have no idea what I need. In the end I just pointed at a cute beanie I saw and she got that. At least MIL thinks and gets something that is useful.
The one thing I have done wrong is compare my mum to my MIL. And thats not fair. My MIL is great and lives for her kids. My mum is a person who is loving but lives for herself and always has done. Her needs always come first and her mind is a mess with all the things she thinks about in her life, its a no wonder she doesn't have room to think of anyone else.
I think the expectations I had on my mum are way to high. I have to accept things the way they are and adjust. Just not what I would have liked. But at least DH is making up for it. He is wonderful and couldn't live without him!
puppies, I know just what you mean! My mother has been pretty disinterested throughout - sounds very much like yours 'tuned out' describes it exactly. When we first told her, she had a friend with her so had to act all excited etc. but after that it was all about her for months on end. Then last week she saw someone with newborn twins and decided it was suddenly exciting! I imagine that won't last though. To be honest, its pretty much what I expected. She's always been very self-involved. When I was first getting my courage to tell her I was pregnant I wasn't sure what I was more worried about - that she would take no interest (insulting) or whether after 34 years of taking no interest in my life, she would suddenly be all over me because I was pregnant (also insulting)! I am VERY VERY lucky though, my stepmother is so great - she has three kids and was a midwife before they were born, absolutely loves babies and said that us being pregnant made her year. She has done a million things for me while I have been pregnant, and so has my dad, who is very excited too. My stepmother even organised my baby shower... it was pretty funny that she organised it and invited my mother as a guest. Parents in law have also been pretty good too. It took me many years to learn not to be disappointed in my mother's relationship with me, and I'm still not all the way there. All I can say is it really makes you appreciate the people who do care.
Puppies, Mums are mums we love them but they're not always on the same page as us!
My mum comes to my scans, looks after my kids and ask's how I feel today but I don't think that she has any idea how far along i am unless she asks.
When it's time for the birth, she comes running and will help with my two monkeys but that's about it, tho she works full time so I think she does a great job!
Snoopea
The Pixie,
Your step mum sounds great! Can I adopt her? Must admit this isn't just about the pregnancy. Mum has been like this about anything in my life that she doesn't share an interest in herself. We had horses together for years and if it wasn't for that I think we would be strangers! She is just a big kid that goes through fad's. She is just not naturally maternal, never has been. And to be honest she had a horrible childhood and her parents were drunks. So she probably didn't learn anything from them. I think I am maternal, but it comes naturally to me cause I sure didn't learn it from my parents.
I cant really rely on my MIL cause my SIL is a very jealous person and she likes to be the center of attention all the time. Although she seems to be very positive about the baby and even wants to throw me a baby shower. But my MIL have joined a gym together and we hang out there together and keep it quiet from her daughter cause she will get upset that we are hanging out so much. It's terrible that we have to hide behind her back just to prevent a scene. Although she is 27 years old. Its a strange thing, but she caused a scene once when we got caught doing grocery shopping together. It was embarrasing the way she behaved in the shops. So you see its hard to rely on MIL cause she has to give her daughter number one priority as she should and well unless my SIL grows up all of a sudden, its always going to be something that keeps me from really relying on MIL for support. So that is always in the back of my mind. I am hoping a new baby coming into the family might make everyone get their priorities right but again I think that expectation is way too high!
I think alot of problems in relationships comes from unknown expectations.
My mum died when I was 27 and would have been a great Nana, even with the 700km distance - I wouldn't have been able to get rid of her. My dad remarried when I was 6 months preg so that was his life - and my stepmother has a daughter who has 1 child, and is expecting her 2nd a month after this bubba comes, so I know I won't see them or get a visit unless we go home at Christmas time.
My bestie here - her mother has moved down 12 months ago from Sydney to be here for my friend - and at times it drives me insanely jealous - she has just had another baby and her mum picks her other daughter up and takes her to and from school cos bub feeds - she said - otherwise her daughter will turn up messy hair, teeth not brushed - and I said - like my kids will later this year and next year?? I regretted it but wanted her to realise how much her mum does and to not take it for granted. I don't have any other family here, and try not to dwell on it - it is just the way it is.
Only advice really is to reassess your expectations, and why you have them. I definitely don't mean to sound harsh, but just because we are pregnant, doesn't mean the world stops - KWIM??
Yeah your right. My friends parents died when she was 17 and she gets by. But I can tell you I will be there for her as much as I can if she gets pregnant. Cause I couldn't imagine having no parents at all. So I guess I should stop complaining and be grateful for what I have even if it is not what I expected.
Thanks for bringing me back down to earth!
Puppies,
your mum and my mum sound like they were hatched from the same egg,im not making excuses for my mum she is a bipolar sufferer and i think it has impacted on her life somewhat,she never really has been there for us either,her partner always came first.
Though she does do nice things out of the blue and the other day sent me a money order for $100 to go buy myself some sexy maternity clothes as she puts it with a really lovely card(i cried when i got it cos im not just used to it)i think a alot of it is the baby boomer generation and they feel like they done their job and wanna live their own lives and most can be quite selfish(not all ladies im not saying everyones mum)my MIL is still coming to terms shes gonna be grandma for the 1st time,shes an older Italian lady and very old school,but in the same token shes been making me stuff and says i dont want interfere,your baby and times have changed but im sure as the day gets closer some may change their tune,im not even expecting my mum to even come to visit me in hospital(she hates them,ie the whole hospitalisation with her mental illness)hates travelling long distances in car(she 2 hours or so away)nobody to look after animals etc etc so you get my picture,hell ive lived in my new house for 3 years and shes never been here..sad but we just gotta deal with it,i vowed and so did DH we will never be the parents that ours were..
cheers bon
Here , Here. I am not going to say my parents did a bad job. I do believe they did the best they could. But my parents are very much the opposite of how I want to be a parent. My dad never showed us hardly any affection. A bear hug every now and then was a treat I looked forward to. In fact I can barely remember him being around. He never came to school activities and neither did mum from what I can remember. She would do pony club with me etc but that was because it was an interest she shared. Dad came to a show once but did not stay long. We were always burdened with the family finances for as long as I can remember and when I first started working I used to hid the new shoes or clothes I would buy myself cause we always got hit with the guilt trip of hoe many bills were due and that they would like new things too but had to pay bills. We always paid board as soon as we started working and we had to share the bills and buy our own toiletries. So saving was something we could never do as kids. I paid for all my horses and their needs myself, which took a lot of what little income I was earning as a check out chick. I always hear that parents are still helping their adult kids with money. My SIL wouldn't be where she is today without the hand outs she gets from her parents. DH doesn't get the hand outs cause he is a boy and now that we are married they assume we don't need any help (go figure). But I can only remember once or twice that I borrowed money from my folks but I assure you it had to be paid back. I guess this has made me more smarter with money and responsabilities although sometimes I felt it was a bit tough as a kid to be weighed down so much with the financial responsabilities of my parents.
That I will never do to my child. They will learn to respect money, but I will never use guilt trips on them and make them feel bad for enjoying their earnings.
to you puppies. My mum wasn't involved at all. I didn't really expect it though, so it wasn't a shock, although it still niggled at me sometimes. There was ONCE she said oh I guess I should take you shopping and get a car seat or something then huh. I told her not to bother...lol. She's more involved when she sees Oskar now though, but that still holds a sore point for me cos she hardly did anything with Joshua at the same age - go figure!!
Anyway, I don't know what to say that may help. Could you possibly tell her a little how you are feeling? Another for you, hope you feel better.
How involved is your mum in your pregnancy?
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