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Thread: Male looking for help/advice

  1. #1

    Unhappy Male looking for help/advice

    Good morning ladies, hope you are all doing very well.



    Firstly, please let me know if I'm posting my thread in an incorrect forum heading.
    I've got a bit of an issue and I'd like to see if this is normal. Myself and DF are 18 wks pg. We had been ttc since July. last yr and it finally happened in December. Before we fell pg we were BD'ing on average 5-6 times a week. Now since DF is pregnant it has completely stopped. We have only BD'ed once this yr. I have tried talking to her about it, but she says that she just doesn't feel like it. It sounds a little crazy, but I feel I'm actually falling into a state of depression of some kind and feeling rejected.
    I have heard that some females dont feel like sex for the first part of pg, but to not want to have it at all, and to completely cut it off from their partners, is this normal?
    I'm really at a loss as to what to do, and I'm saddened each day because I dont like this issue being cause for arguments.
    Thanks.

  2. #2

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    Hi gage,

    Without knowing the full situation it is really hard to give an opinion, but yes, to many women the thought of sex is just horrible whilst pregnant, and this may be for so many reasons.

    Not sure how you have approached her - maybe you could say that you miss her, miss being with her, love her terribly and just need tounderstand what is going on a little better.

    But please dont feel rejected - its most likely nothing like that at all!

    (for me atm , having 2 mc's where the blood started after intercourse (sorry tmi), i just cant - but i we have talked about this and we both understand why).

    Best of luck

  3. #3

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    Hi Trav, Firstly let me say congratulations to you and your DF. I am so very happy for you, I know how much you both wanted this pgcy. As Kitt, has mentioned, pleaase dont feel rejected. It would definately not be you hun. I know it is hard not to feel the way you do, but try not to. Give her time if that is what she needs. I too was terrified of DTD when finding out I was pg, after my several m/c's having my most recent loss in December. It is a horrible feeling to think that if only you didnt DTD or do something else that maybe the loss would never of happened. Especially once bleeding starts after DTD. I have had several times with this current pg where I have spotted and DTD was the furtherest thing from my mind. I did not want to have to think about it even when the spotting had stopped it still didn't enter my mind, due to just being scared of what could happen. I believe it is a protection mechanism that we seem to turn on, to try our best to protect our unborn babies. Going thru a loss can do this to you. It is definately nothing to do with our partners, as we do want to be close it just really scares us of losing again.
    I think that you should have a talk to your DF, and try and talk to her about her concerns if there is any. Some women too, do lose interest in DTD when pg as well, and some just cant seem to get enough. It can be alot to do with our hormones too. Lots of hugs. I hope all works out for you.

  4. #4

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    Lol, im a moody bi#%h when im pregnant and really, sex is always the last thing on my mind. I dont not DTD to hurt DP its only that i dont 'feel' like doing it. DP is always wingeing about the lack of sex he gets while im pregnant. So, no your not alone.

  5. #5

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    Kitt3n - Thanks for your reply. It's been an issue that's raised it's head generally once a month. I've tried talking to DF in every way possible, even asked her if she wants to shower with me, etc, but she just seems completely switched off about it all. We also unfortunatley experienced a mc back in Sept., so I do take into account that DF may be possibly scared of DTD and unsettling anything.

    csab - Firstly I'd like to say a big hiya to you and hugs, it's been a while since I've been on here (actually lost my p/w lol) and it's great to hear from some old friends on the bubby journey.
    We are both sooo soooo happy about being utd now, like you said, we had been trying for a while, but I've gone from totally illated to now just a numb feeling because of our major decline in the BD dept. Dont get me wrong, I'm not numb about being pg, I'm the happiest 'father to be' in the world, it's just the rejection numbness. I think the one thing I'm scared of is if/when DF does decide she's ready for DTD once again, that my mind has blocked out those feelings and I wont find it appealing anymore. I'm really trying not to be selfish, it does sound like it's all about me, but I'm feeling like DF is thinking only of herself, and not what my emotions are doing to me.

    Shorty - Hiya, ya, but not getting it all, that's my concern. Am I bein selfish for wanting it, or is DF bein selfish for not seeing my point of view?

  6. #6

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    Trav - Thanks for the hugs, dont think you are being selfish, yet honestly I don't think DF is being selfish either, just nervous and scared. We all want to feel closeness with our partners and I dont blame you feeling the way you do. Especially when TTC that is all it feels like we are doing, and then to come to barely any intimacy or no intimacy at all would raise questions. it is totally understandable. Maybe take her away on a romantic weekend or a nice romantic dinner and try and get back some of that togetherness. I still believe that she has some fears of losing this baby which is holding her back from you. Try and talk to her about her concerns and try and reasssure her that you will be gentle and careful, if this is really what she is worried about. If she is worried about DTD, then maybe get her to talk to her GP and you be there with her and let her GP ease her mind. GL hun.

  7. #7

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    csab - Thanks again sweet. We have our second ultrasound appt. tomorrow, then appt. with the MW next week, so I might bring it up with the MW and see what she says.

  8. #8

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    Hi Gage,

    I remember you in the TTC thread and so congratulations on your pregnancy. Really wonderful news!

    As for the BD - it is a weird thing, but you are not alone. I have to admit that I have fallen in to the category of "not feeling like it" and we also have experienced a decline in BD department - but on the other hand I feel closer and more loving towards my DH than ever if that is possible. Why and how? I have nooooo idea!

    I certainly don't have the fears or history of BD causing problems so I know that isn't it, and I just can't explain it other than I just don't feel like it. From what I have read and heard, it is completely normal and things go back to normal after the pregnancy.

    All I can suggest is have a heart-to-heart with your DF and get both of your feelings out in the open, but don't be dismayed if she is the same as me by not having a better reason than "just don't feel like it". Try to be patient, and try to find a way to bring you both closer together in a non-sexual way even if it is just holding her while you watch TV or a relaxing weekend away just the two of you. The more you both understand how you are each feeling the more you are going to find a solution to keep you both happy.... for now!

    Good Luck!

  9. #9

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    Gage First of all Congrats on the PG!!

    I have gone right off BD'ing throughout this pregnancy. We used to DTD 4/5 times a week and DH is lucky now if he gets it once a week. Even then to be honest sometimes I only agree because I know that he wants to and it is important to me that he knows how much I love him and love being with him - It is not that I have been overwhelmed with need!!

    There are also a lot of men out there who claim their partners are all ove rthem the whole pregnancy (lots of DH"s friends have told him this) which does raise the expectation level a lot!

    For me, some of my lack of desire is due to a feeling of a lack of personal space. I know it sounds stupid, but with a baby taking up residence and making me feel tired, sick, uncomfortable 24/7 and struggling to work FT and clean up around the house and take care of DH, I simply don't have anything left to give.

    In relation to what can you do - my advice is unfortunately the same as the others, you need to talk about it (again) with your DF. It is obviously something that is upsetting you a lot and it is something that is important to any relationship. From what I hear the DTD situation doesn't improve a great deal after baby comes along!!

  10. #10

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    Hi Gage

    Just throwing something else in that hasn't been mentioned (unless i REALLY have placenta brain ...) but has DF been very sick? I know this time I have been sick from around 7 weeks until still now - and I get arvo/night sickness so when we go to bed, the LAST thing I wanna do is DTD. Hard for him I know cos in early stages, I didn't want to in case it started any bleeding as we have had 2 losses previously. We have joked about it, but he knows I am sick so I think is just trying to be patient

  11. #11

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    MummyTummy - Heya, I remember you also, thanks for the congrats, and like I said to csab, it's nice to see some old faces from the TTC thread

    shellbell - Oh geez, dont say that (last line, last para lol)

    SamiH - DF was quite sick in the early stages of our pgcy, but she's finally over that. She was on Maxalon which did help her quite a bit.

    Please dont get me wrong ladies, DTD isn't a major factor of our relationship, it's just hard going from everything to nothing pretty much overnight.

  12. #12

    Default Sorry

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling that way.. have you not had sex at all since finding out being pregnant.

    I have the opposite problem I need sex all the time.. poor DH doesnt know what to do with me as i would love it 2-3 times a day.. Same with my last pregnancy..

    Wishing you luck!!

  13. #13

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    didispunk - Hiya, ya that's correct, since finding out we are pg in december, we have DTD once to date

  14. #14
    ~Belinda~ Guest

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    Gage, congratulations, how wonderful that you are both expecting. It's the most awesome thing, having a baby. I am glad we did it!

    I didn't really feel up to it when I was PG...

    Good luck, I hope you guys can have a chat about it soon

  15. #15

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    Hi there,
    Congrats. on the pg. best wishes for a healthy one.
    I agree with what everyone has said, I don't think either of you are being selfish. I don't know you DF but if she is anything like me then the mere feeling of being pressured to DTD when I'm not up for it turns me off like a tap. I would definitely let her know you are attracted to her and make her feel special, do some extra house work to lighten her load, do these things without any expectations of her. You may feel like it's all a lot of hard work just to get what you want, but it will have far reaching consequences now and in the future.
    I used to emotionally get stewed up just worrying about the fact that I wasn't DTD as often as DH would have liked, for me I think it was a combination of a few things like tiredness, hormones, worry, m/s, changing body shape and spotting. I really love my DH so it wasn't that all of a sudden I didn't want him, it's just that DTD was the last thing I wanted for a while.
    It has been the same with all three of my PG. and may I add that the frequency dropped off for a few good months after the bubs were born, once again hormones, sore bb's, need for some personal space, tiredness, soreness when DTD all flattened my desires.
    Keep the lines of communication open and try not to take it personally.
    I hope things work themselves out soon.

  16. #16

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    From my experience of being pregnant and also from hearing my friends' experiences, I can assure you that for every woman it can be completely different.

    Some women NEVER want sex the whole of pregnancy, I think it has to do with a protective instinct, however misguided this could be in a normal pregnancy. They can't help it. Some ppl's sex drive seems to go through the roof, others want it once a trimester...

    I don't think there is a definitive answer to why this could be happening, but may I recommend lots of cuddles, kisses and 'i love you's, 'you look gorgeous today' etc - it may make her feel like it's time.

    Don't worry, things should eventually return to normal. Good luck.

  17. #17

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    Thanks for all ur replies ladies. I'm not going to mention anything about it to DF for at least another week, then if we're still at this same stage I might bring it up with the MW next week, along with DF and see what the outcome is.
    If I have to look at it positively, at least getting other 'female's' points of view, and what you all were feeling when you were pg, I know it's not a singular thing that's just happening to me.

  18. #18

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    DH and I hardly do it when I'm PG. Probably about once a month if he's lucky. We've never been at it as often as you guys were though lol!

    I think it's a combination of tiredness and feeling uncomfortable. He doesn't seem to mind most of the time but he'll make a move if he feels the need

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