birth partner just miscarried

[Plagued]

I have two birth partners - DH and SIL. i just recieved a call from BIL who told me they have lost their little one at about 8 weeks. i dont know what to say or do for her she is taking me to all my appointments which are now weekly but i dont want to upset her but i know if someone else takes me she will get upset. I have never known any one to suffer a loss and dont know what im suppost to say or do esspecially with me stll carrying when i have had so many problems it seems a little unfair. please any help what to say or do

[Danni]

oh no wht a horrible situation. Im sorry i cant help you as ive never been in a similar situation but i hope it all goes well

[Magic]

Chantal - I think this is a hard one, and that you should probably enter into some open and honest conversation with BIL and then SIL and approach the subject, with your SIL "taking the lead" IYKWIM. My condolences to your SIL.

[Cee_Cee99]

Oh, that is such a terrible situation....your poor poor SIL..

you obviously have a good realationship with her as she is driving you to your appointments and has offered to be your birth support. Honestly, the best way to approach it is to offer your friendship and shoulder to her during this time and then, secondly, to extend the offer to her to withdraw from the world and responsibilities for a while, including taking you to appointments and being your birth support.. You have DH, so hopefully one will be enough for you. The next few weeks she should be able to focus on her and her loss - without knowing you or her, and what either of you have had to get through to make it thus far, if possible it maybe nice to be able to focus on her, flowers, cards, calls, such a hard time for her...

good luck for the rest of your pregnancy, I hope it all goes well for you

[Lea13]

I'm sure your friend will lead the way with how she feels. Already you've shown yourself to be a compassionate and good friend.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[BellyBelly]

This can be a very potent situation during birth... perhaps a good discussion with her is required, to see how she feels... letting her know she hasn't let you down if she can't and so she doesn't feel like you are tip-toeing around her. Its difficult to say as everyone deals with it differently, but I do know you are very close to the birth and often it takes more than a few weeks to come to terms with things. But we are all different...

[Baby~amore`]

I am sorry for your SIL's loss .. you have a compassionate heart to be thinking of her .

Maybe have a read through some of the poems in miscarriage and loss and send her one in a card , explaining as others said she won't be letting you down if she need time to grieve and/or find something to acknowledge her bub... A special keepsake. She might be okay as Kelly said ...

It will a difficult time for everyone ... being excited for you and your new arrival and not knowing what to say to her

[Mel09]

Definately sit down and have a talk with her, after my second m/c my friend was a few weeks off birth, and after hugging me and me stopping the tears, the first thing she said was - If you don't want me here, I can leave... she felt so bad that she had a cruisey pg, and I had lost my second. Just her being there was enough, she told me soooo many times that she understands if I can't go to the hospital, or be around her, but for me it was good, I could see that I do have a chance and her baby brought so much healing for me it was strange.

I think just talk to her, tell her how you feel, and make sure she knows that you are there fore her if she wants you to be there, and if not, she knows where you are when she is ready. No pressure... HTH

[BellyBelly]

Chantal,

I just had a chat with one of Australia's most experienced and well known Doulas (and Doula trainer) in Australia who has also suffered 8 miscarriages and works a great deal with miscarriage. She was talking of her own miscarriages, so I took it upon myself to ask her what to do in this situation. Here is her reply, I hope this helps:

I do lots of miscarriage support and preparation for birth following loss of babies. I also conduct funerals for stillbirth babies, or women wanting or needing a ceremony for an early pregnancy loss!

It is always very difficult when we go on carrying our babies, and a person around us has a loss of child.

It is really important that she releases this woman from her birthing responsibility. Her birth partner will be really aware she has made a commitment, and in a way, holding on to that responsibility, may support her in holding onto the whole pregnancy feeling!

But, as difficult as that is, this baby and pregnancy deserve what is best for them! It is now a mothers time to prioritise what is best for her and her baby. Welcome to parenting and making tough decisions that support our children! Many people forget the priority list!!! Looking after the other women’s needs is most likely to jeopardise the journey of this pregnancy and birth. Close contact still, but no responsibility...

”It is your time to grieve…..and whilst wish to support you through that, I believe it would be better for both of us if I was just a special friend, and you didn’t have a responsibility to me right now…we can see how things go! Please understand these are my wishes for now, let us both be mothers for our babies and have the time and energy to be present with what is going on for each of us!"

The pregnant women is “the goddess” for now, and for clear and conscious preparation for birth, needs to be supported, without having to take care...not an easy time...

Love to them both

[Tanya]

Chantal,

To be honest, I don't think it will be a good idea for her to be there at the birth for you. She may say she is fine, but it may take a week or so to kick in that she has lost her baby.

Being at your birth to support you might push her a little too far (more than she thinks it will) and emotionally, she might not realize, she will not be ready.

I Suffered a loss at 8w2d a couple of months ago and I am at a complete loss to how it has affected me.

So I hope I have helped :hugs:

Tanya

[Plagued]

Thank you everyone for your advice. She says she is alright to help but she doesnt talk to me at the moment. I will be talking with BIL to let him pass on the message that its ok not to be my birth partner. I wish i could support her but i know I have to look after me at the moment(have just been adviced i am suffering depression). I just feel so bad i cant do more for her

[BellyBelly]

You are right hon, you need to focus on you now. Her healing will come with time, and you need time to get ready for a baby.

One thing a friend said to me (who I trained with, one of the other girls was also due at the time) was that the best thing you can do is just remember them later. She said at first there was lots of support, but it started dropping off and it was still so raw. So perhaps if you really want to do something, send her some flowers or a box of fruit (Roses Only now have Fruit Only) as she also said that the simple things like shopping get hard - so people that sent over meals and shopping helped more than anything. She understood people didnt know what to say... but just wanted to know they were there.

Don't feel bad focusing on you. You NEED to. Perhaps you can do some pre-natal yoga? Its great for birth preparation and relaxation.

[Inanna]

Oh tShis is so hard....
You will feel your way and make good decisions.
To share a little with you. Just a week after our first angel died I attended the birth of a friend. This friend 'needed' me to be with her. She was having a vbac and was heavily reliant on my presence. She offered to release me from my commitment to her birth but I thought a lot about it. I knew that she needed some energy that I could give. My situaion is different in that I have birthed live babies before.
I didn't find it hard to deal with. I understood and honoured the reality that my baby was gone but this baby was coming.

I would urge you to talk openly and frankly. Honour how you are feeling. You ARE the birthing Goddess and this is your time. Be very selfish with that time. It is necessary. You need to nurture yourself and your baby. You can't afford the energy to nurse the grief of your friend. However, your sister in law may feel she can cope. Feel your way. However I would urge you to prioritise yourself at this time.
Love your friend, empathise with your friend but honour the sanctity of your birth as well.

[Plagued]

I have spoken to SIL and she is very determained to be at the birth and she does not want to back out she is really looking forward to being there. How ever I have just recieved a call from my younger sister she has also just mismiscarrirried at 7 weeks. (she already has 4 kids) she goes in tomorrow to have it removed and wants me to call her after her operation. I live 6 hours away so i cant be there for her in person. I am trying not to feel bad that mine is almost here its just so hard.