Thanks for all your advice - it really does help. It's just a really difficult situation especially as DP tells me all this stuff and the conversations he's had with her but I'm on the outer saying "well, did you say this" or "how about this?" So that's quite frustrating too apart from the actual problem situation itself.
I haven't worked out how to multiquote so I will try to respond to everyone's bits and pieces!
I don't think the risk-taking behaviour is happening that often - it didn't happen over here - but she's "only" done the stay out all night thing in the US once. I know that's once too many but I don't think it's impacting on school. Her mum has been at the end of her tether and has been very strict about not letting her out of the house.
But to get Fs I don't think she can have been going to school very much at all. Apart from that being bad in itself, her dad asks her about school/attendance/homework every day when he calls (and he DOES call EVERY day not once a week) and she has promised him every day for the last three months that she hasn't cut any classes and she has done all her homework. So, one of the big things for me is the lying. I'm probably more angry about the lying than he is to be honest.
So ... at the moment, I'm not sure realistically we can actually keep her in school until 18 because it looks like she's not even going. Plus, I'm not sure what the deal is here (I went to school in the UK) but if a student's getting all Fs does that mean they would have to repeat the year?
So DP is thinking about saying that we're taking the moving to Australia option off the table until there's no Fs on your report ie. that she's actually going to classes. He hinted at this yesterday and she put the phone down on him - she doesn't think it's fair that where she lives should be determined by her grades because she's not happy at home and wants to live here.
I said this is fine IF you actually mean it. What happens if she gets one F on her next report? And what happens when she keeps phoning you in tears between now and then after the latest blue with her mum and starts talking about how much happier she was in Australia? (This happens all the time so I don't know how well my DP's resolve will hold. And, to be honest, I think her mum's got a lot to answer for.)
If this is about self-esteem then she certainly hides it well. She's actually a really nice kid (I know I've made her about to be a complete nightmare but all my friends who've met her have said 'wow, what a great girl. She's so mature and you can actually have a conversation with her."). TBH, sometimes she seems more mature than both her parents put together. But, I can't handle the lies either. She sat here in my living room six months ago (before she went back to the US) telling me how her friends tried to get her to drink and do drugs (pot) and how she said "nah, I don't need that stuff. I'm quite happy how I am thanks." But now this. There again, I don't think she's at the stage where she's doing it heaps so it may not be as bad as I've made it sound. You've got to allow for the fact that most kids try this stuff. I was going into pubs at 13 but I was getting straight As - plus I never got caught so was never a worry to my parents.
So I think the plan might be this - put the ball in her court and give her a choice. Ask her whether she actually wants to improve her grades (rather than telling her she has to) or whether she wants to leave school early and do TAFE/job. That's the choice. The choice is not to theoretically stay at school but continue to get such poor grades - if that's the case then she'll have to leave (infact the school may ask her to anyway). If she takes the improving grades option then we'll ask her what it will take for her to do that - if she thinks a different type of school would help then we'll look at that. But in the meantime, actually going to school until she's 16 and NOT getting any Fs is not negotiable.
FionaJill - I agree re getting her to make an agreement about the smoking/drinking too. But for an agreement to work, there has to be consequences if it's broken. And it seems to me that her mum has tried all the possible consequences. She's been grounded, had her phone taken off her, not allowed to use the computer for extensive periods of time and it hasn't worked. On the drugs, the only thing I can think of is that if I find drugs in her room, I will personally take her to cops myself and have her charged ie. tell her this before she comes here so she knows we're serious.
At the moment, she does seem really keen to come back here so maybe making her lift her game as a condition to coming back is the only thing that will work.
Ladies, thanks again for all your advice. Let me know what you think of this pretty half-arsed plan!
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