Single from the Start

[Uncle Amy]

Hi,

I thought I'd start a new thread as I would like to say hello to the women out there who are, or have been, single during their pregnancy.
Congratulations on choosing life (flash back to bad eighties t-shirts and WHAM!). It is a unique position to be in. There is plenty of help on the technicalities of everything on this site, except negotiating the emotional and legal concerns of the single pregnant woman. I would love to chat with you all on whatever it is that concerns you at any time.

And me? I had a one-night-stand with an old friend from Uni, I'd seen him twice in the ten years since then. We'd spent one night together way back then too. He was one of my favorite people, but he has since refused to acknowledge me or his son, has never met him, refused to sign the birth certificate, hasn't talked to any of our mutual friends about it, and THANKFULLY lives interstate.

For me at the moment, I struggle every couple of days having this thought - "maybe TF would love to see this photo, maybe, if I just called he'd speak to me, have something to say . . .maybe . . .

It's so boring, I really need to stop doing this and do a little more of this , and maybe lay off the smilies for a little while

Cheers!

[melskys]

hi uncle amy,
i was a single mother from 5 months pregnant, i broke up with XP because he was a dropkick with serious mental and emotional issues, and lucky me didn't find out about those little quirks until after i fell pregnant... *sigh*
so yes, congratulations on choosing life as well!
i think when a woman falls pregnant, she kinda knows deep down whether or not the pregnancy is meant to be... sounds corny i know... owell life is pretty corny when you think about it... although it can be quite a ***** as well...
Do you know where TF lives? you could try writing him a letter... writing a letter is the best way to get your point across, they will most definately read the whole thing because if they dont the suspense of not knowing what was in there will kill them! and also they can't hang up on you, talk back to you, cut you off, or be an ass in any way! its great, you'll get you're issues off your chest and feel so much better trust me

you know, this may sound a bit selfish and evil of me, but i think you're lucky the father wants nothing to do with you and your DS, its a lot better than if he was threatening you to take him away from you or turning up at your house all the time demanding to see him... my XP was a bit like that after i broke up with him n was still pregnant, he would threaten me that he was going to get a court order to be present at the birth(i almost died of laughter when he said that because theres no such thing), or he would take me to court and take him off me, and that he would find me and see his son with or without my permission etc... at that point i cut contact with the bastard completely, i've since moved interstate & he only has my phone number now, no address or anything, and none of my friends or family will talk to him so i'm pretty safe...
but yeah, just write him a letter, you never know, and if he still doesn't want a bar of you then don't worry about him, the quicker you forget about him the quicker you can get on with your life and be happy once again!
ok, enough babble from me i think...

ciao
mel

[Madissun]

Hey ladies!

I was single right from the beginning. I was working overseas on a cruise ship and seeing a guy from Jamaica for about 3 months. About 2 weeks after we broke up (i called it off because i didn't want to be in a relationship) i found out i was pregnant. I was so excited! I didn't actually think that i could have children. So i came home 2 months earlier than planned... with a little surprise to tell everyone!

I also found it extremely difficult re: finding someone to talk to about legalities etc. Its such an emotionally confusing time, without the added pressure of being a single mum. I wish that i had found this website while i was pregnant, but i didnt come across it til Toby was 2 months old.

Having Toby was the best thing i have EVER done. I love him even more than i thought i possibly could!

[Uncle Amy]

Hi, nice to meet you both!

I just burnt my dinner and lost the message that I wrote so I'll be brief

Question - breastfeeding, which is fine but he is slow on the uptake of food and for the last few days I haven't been able to feed him at all, though he eats at daycare and with nanny. I figure he just gets too much smells from my milk to take food seriously when I'm around. Is there any particular smell I can wash with that will hide the smell? do I need to invest in a lead vest?

Melsky - I send him about a dozen emails and called - brick wall. I only told 1 of our mutual friends and TF refuses to talk to him now believing he's 'on my side' - such a boring way of looking at it. I guess I'm struggling to accept that someone I previously believed was intelligent and brave, who is loved by so many of my friends, is such an a$$ hole

TT My sister got me on to BB straight away, and I am so grateful it exists, but although there were plenty of women to keep me bouyant and strong, none came forth that had had this experience and with regards to birth certificates and centrelink I, like you, was on my own. Plenty of theories abound, but no concrete - "this happened to me and this is what I did" stuff. I'm hoping that we can remain in touch with this thread to offer our support to other women who are sure to come. And perhaps to exchange ideas on how to juggle a baby with the washing, cleaning, showering etc etc etc

I would also like to let you know that I wont be online every night, or sometimes not every week or month - being single from the start can be so much more tiring than the same experience but with a cuddle at the end of the day! You know this and same goes for you I'm sure.

I found that due to time contraints I was so much more distant from my belly & baby buddies, and it just added to my loneliness, i want to try my best not to forget anyone, no matter how long it's been since they posted last

My god what a crusader perhaps i should invest in a CAPE - will that hide the smell of my milk, or do babies have x-ray vision?

[Uncle Amy]

Brief my A$$!

[Madissun]

Uncle Amy that was what did my head in and stressed me the most, the birth certificate and centrelink stuff! I guess people dont come forward because of the legal side of it all but id be more than happy to help anyone who finds themselves in our situation. Sure would have saved me a lot of tears along the way!

Im not sure where you live, but in victoria, its almost impossible to not have the fathers name on the birth certificate (and i totally understand this). I dont want to offend anyone who believes that in all circumstances the dad "must" be on the birth certificate, but it's not always as straightforward as that. Toby's dad is on his. He lives in Jamaica, the government doesn't collect child support from Jamaica, he has never and probably will never see Toby and has only e mailed twice this year. Yet, with his name being on the certificate, i have to now have permission from him for all sorts of things such as a passport. By the time Toby needs a passport, i can pretty much guarantee that i will have absolutely no idea how to track down his dad. Which means we will have to go to court to explain that i dont know where he is, to be able to obtain a passport without the fathers signature.

I may be wrong, but i've been told that this is the process.

At the end of the day, you just want whats best for your child.

[Macca79]

Toby Turtle - I don't know if this helps you being in Vic but a friend of mine got pregnant in QLD and left the bloke soon after. She had her DS in the NT and recently got a passport for him for a holiday without too much hassle. Centrelink or Family services (not sure which) told her that since the father had never seen her DS or done anything 'parental' he was seen as having no legal rights over the boy. She was told the same thing again when she and her new DH started the process for him to adopt her DS. She was told that his biological father can not impede as he has not been active in the boy's life. Mind you I have heard this second hand but it might be worth checking out. Hope it all works out without too much hassle when the time comes for a passport .

[Madissun]

Thanks Macca, thats the other thing that worries me! When i do find "Mr Right" and the possibility of him adopting Toby and how it'll work. Toby's dad certainly hasn't done anything "parental" either!

[Uncle Amy]

I could be wrong, but as i trawled through stupid amounts of information on stuff like that, you CAN remedy the situation through CSA, i think it's like a declaration of responsibility - basically it is a form/contract which states how much responsibility for the child each parent has, signed by both parents. I think it;s something like 11% or less is the minimum arrangement, if you get him to sign that it will waive his rights to a certain amount of stuff, the 'passport request' is one of them. Sorry to sound vague, I might have saved the document if i have I'll send it to you

I'm the same as you, I had so much trouble comming to terms with the legalities, and my options within that. The passport thing really got me worried, so I researched it heaps and I'm pretty sure that if you can get a signature from him, with this form, it will totally change that situation. And I reckon, once that's done, your FORMAL necessity to remain in contact will be over. I'll chase it up for you

I sent the birth certificate to TF to sign (sydney, i in melb) and he returned it to the registry unsigned. They contacted me and I gave them TF address and phone number. They contacted him and he denied paternity, he signed a form they sent him, formally denying paternity, and so the birth certificate has no information on the fathers side.

It's been such a heart ache. Everyone seems to have an opinion, and at the time I just couldn't decide what was right or wrong. It was awful.

[Macca79]

Amy - sorry you have had such a problem with your birth cert. The girl I mentioned to toby turtle had similar probs with her DS biological father. He did the same thing (sent the birth cert back unsigned). Because he did that Family Services (in Darwin) ordered a paternity test through a family lawyer (didn't cost her) to prove/disprove paternity. It came back he was the father and even though he was still denying it his name went on the cert anyway. I don't know if thats a road you want to bother going down but if you decide too hopefully there are positive options available to you. Either way your little boy is lucky to have a mum who cares about and loves him so much, I think your doing great

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

*hugs* The men we get involved with, eh? tsk tsk.

That's really interesting about paternity not being an issue if they have nothing to do with the child, unforunately for me I've already requested child support and although he hasn't paid it (And I haven't harrassed CSA about it) he'll have to eventually so that'll rule that idea out. Damn you centrelink! (They required me to put in a request for child support to receive the full single parenting payments).

[Uncle Amy]

Hey Ladies,

I have been in a parent/infant unit at a psychiatric hospital for the past month, I'm allowed to go home overnight so I can't wait to have a hot shower in my OWN shower, and sleep in a bed that doesn't have a plastic cover on the mattress. Aaah, the little things, the little things!!!

[Smoke Jaguar]

Amy - don't know where you're at with the breastfeeding/solids thing: if he's BFing when you're there, don't worry about his lack of solids intake, he's getting what he needs from the BFing. If he wasn't he would let you know - babies don't let themselves starve if there's food around Put it this way, DS is over 2 now, BF's overnight and doesn't eat much during the day unless he hasn't been booby...and he's a jumping jellybean with no weight issues and plenty of energy to burn! You don't need to put him off booby to get him eating, because if you're happy to BF him, he won't really need solids. And no single meal is going to give him the broad spectrum nutrition that one breastfeed will -that's why it's also better to give BF before a meal, so that at least they get the broad spectrum injection before getting the meal with a finite amount of vitamins and minerals
I hope your stay was beneficial, and if not, I hope you can find your mummy mojo soon! And please don't underestimate your mummy instinct

[flyingk8]

Dear Amy,
I'm glad you got to spend a night at home! I hope he fed well and can only imagine th excitment of having a shower in your OWN shower! )
I am a single mum to be and have been single since the start.. Some days it's quite daunting wondering how I will cope on my own emotionally, physically, financially. But I've got his far so I figure I will get through the tough times. I am due in 4 weeks, so time will tell.
I hope things are on the up and up for you.
If you or anyone has any advice for a single mum to be, please feel free to share! xx

[Madissun]

Welcome flyingk8! When is your due date?

[flyingk8]

Hello tobyturtle, my due date is 25th October. Not long to go now!

[melskys]

Hello again ladies,
It's been a long time! well it has been for me... I have no idea why I stopped checking in on the site.. but I'm back now, yay! Anywho, I've read all the posts over again, and come to think of it.. when I went for ashton's birth certificate.. all I had to do was send in a letter stating that I didn't know who his father was... (not that I didn't know but I would die before that a$$hole came near me again)... not that it would help now, Uncle Amy, your bub is 1 now!! congrats for making it this far!
anywho.. just thought i'd say hi, revive the single mama's camp, and welcome anyone else who's joined us since then!

Cheers,

[smclater]

Toby Turtle - I don't know if this helps you being in Vic but a friend of mine got pregnant in QLD and left the bloke soon after. She had her DS in the NT and recently got a passport for him for a holiday without too much hassle. Centrelink or Family services (not sure which) told her that since the father had never seen her DS or done anything 'parental' he was seen as having no legal rights over the boy. She was told the same thing again when she and her new DH started the process for him to adopt her DS. She was told that his biological father can not impede as he has not been active in the boy's life. Mind you I have heard this second hand but it might be worth checking out. Hope it all works out without too much hassle when the time comes for a passport .

Macca79, I thought it was against the law for fathers to have no legal rights over their child. At least every lawyer I go to see tells me that the courts demand equal rights and that I can't stop him from being a father (even though he doesn't see us). Are they wrong??? Or am I missing something??? The father is on the birth certificate though. How old is her son?

I could be wrong, but as i trawled through stupid amounts of information on stuff like that, you CAN remedy the situation through CSA, i think it's like a declaration of responsibility - basically it is a form/contract which states how much responsibility for the child each parent has, signed by both parents. I think it;s something like 11% or less is the minimum arrangement, if you get him to sign that it will waive his rights to a certain amount of stuff, the 'passport request' is one of them. Sorry to sound vague, I might have saved the document if i have I'll send it to you

I'm the same as you, I had so much trouble comming to terms with the legalities, and my options within that. The passport thing really got me worried, so I researched it heaps and I'm pretty sure that if you can get a signature from him, with this form, it will totally change that situation. And I reckon, once that's done, your FORMAL necessity to remain in contact will be over. I'll chase it up for you

I sent the birth certificate to TF to sign (sydney, i in melb) and he returned it to the registry unsigned. They contacted me and I gave them TF address and phone number. They contacted him and he denied paternity, he signed a form they sent him, formally denying paternity, and so the birth certificate has no information on the fathers side.

It's been such a heart ache. Everyone seems to have an opinion, and at the time I just couldn't decide what was right or wrong. It was awful.

Could you please tell me a bit more about the CSA bit? I'm a little bit confused. What do you mean 11% waives his passport rights?