i'm in a relationship with one child, living like brother/sister - only thing we can talk about without getting up each other's noses, is our child.

our relationship, where we live, how we live - nothing is working, but he refuses to work with me on improving any of it. the suggestions i come up with, people i find to help us, he won't co-operate on any level. so it feels like GroundHog day, a never ending nightmare of unhappiness.

because i have previously left a d/v r'ship, and this one is not violent at all, i also have enormous guilt about leaving.

my two year is enormously attached to her father. they spend alot of time together when he's not at work. she stresses out if he goes out the room!

i am stuck right now. Knowing i have made the decision to go, not being able to find somewhere else to live, knowing he is my only source of support, no family to help me. Also scared i have no recent rental refs (rent is in his name), knowing the stiff competition for rentals, the high price of rentals, realising i will probably have to rent far away from schools, services, etc - scared it will mean bilby not going to school where i had planned (a small alternative school).

i'm not a 100% well person (few health problems), and not as street smart as i feel you need to be, to live in the neighbourhoods where i suspect i will end up living (to my price bracket).

i'm scared. and stuck.

the life we are living now is not right.
bilby cannot play outside here.
she and i are like hamsters in a cage.
there is so much clutter, no room to be relaxed anywhere. things being lost constantly. so much confusion. nothing is changing.
we are indoors, stuck in this clutter all the time.
i feel so overwhelmed.
there is so much stuff that is his that he won't part with.
i cannot use the garage to put my car in, cos he has it full of stuff that he never uses and is just degrading out in the weather anyway. so i have to put bilby in a stinking hot car all summer, like 60 degrees.

nothing is all one person's fault, i'm sure part of it is me too, but i'm now thinking, the combo of both of us, i'm drowning here.

i see how bilby thrives being outdoors, having space. I want her to be FREE to play outside, have messy play, have a clamshell with sand in it for example. normal stuff. nothign fancy or expensive.

at someone else's place, with ROOM to cook, i actually CAN cook. Here i never cook. i need space to think clearly. without it, i shut down and become ineffective.

the lack of communication, the stress from him taking years to file tax returns, it's such an unhealthy r'ship. not being married after 5.5 years of being engaged, i've had enough.