Am I being too precious?

[demongrrl23]

I would really appreciate some advice/ input into a bit of an issue I have.

17 year iold stepson has been living with us for about a year...has had his issues but is overall a nice kid. He has a girlfriend who he has been seeing for about 8 months now.
She is a nice person, very very shy, but is always nice to my younger kids and doesnt cause any trouble when she comes to visit...but my main issue is her complete lack of common courtesy.
Now as I said she is very shy, and will generally not speak to hubby or I unless spoken too. But the issue I have is that she has NOT ONCE thanked me for feeding her, hosting her in my house (ie: if shes stayed the night, no "Thank you for having me"....just heads out the door without so much as a goodbye even!)...and another thing that irks me is that when she comes over, she doesnt acknowledge anybody in the house with a hello, how are you...just heads straight up to DSS's room.
As far as Im concerned, if you are entering someones house, you at least offer a greeting to the host and acknowledge that you are in their house, instead of walking past them as if they are the hired help. And if you are getting food and drink and use of amenities/ shower, as she is, you at least say thank you at the end of the visit.....but instead, she leaves it up to DSS to say it for her. I even saw them play wrestling when DSS was trying to get her to say thank you for serving her dinner, but she was laughing and saying "NO, I dont want to". So in the end he said it for her. If its late at night or bad weather, either me or hubby will drive her to the station to catch her train home (stations about a 2 minute drive from our house and she she lives about 50 km away in a semi rural area, so limited public transport here)...nope, not even a thank you or goodnight there either!
Like I said, dont mind having her over to visit DSS, but this lack of manners is really getting on my goat. Shyness is no excuse for not offering some sort of acknowledgement of what you have recieved, IMO....and its getting to the point where I am about to tell DSS that unless she starts acknowledging the trouble we go to for her and starts displaying some common courtesy, instead of bypassing me like Im the servant around here, then she will not be welcome in this house. I have taught my younger ones, from day dot, that good manners cost nothing and it is the right thing to do, and as a result, people comment on how well behaved and polite my kids are. But I refuse to be treated like the hired help in my own house by DSS g/f......shyness is no excuse in my opinion. Ive never had this problem with his other mates..they have always said hello, goodbye and thank you...very polite young people.
I would like to know if maybe I am being a bit precious about this? I am extremely hormonal ATM due to being 25 weeks p/g, so maybe I am taking this a little personally, but in society today when people seem to have forgotten common courtesy, and I am trying to teach my children not to go in that direction, I really dont think that a please and thank you in my own house is too much to ask for.
Does anyone else have issues with teens and manners, or lack thereof?

[Lisa]

Oh no... I do not think you're being precious hun. I detest people who pass off their rudness as being shy.
Obviously your DSS has manners because he is trying to get her to say thank you, perhaps she is just rude.
Gee, I hope she snaps out of it soon before your DSS gets tired of being with someone so rude and decides someone who can say thank you makes a better girlfriend. Does she even thank him when he does something nice for her?

[~Kaz~]

I don't think you're being precious. I take it she's been coming over for about the length of their relationship? So she's been coming to your house for around 8 months and still hasn't gotten over her shyness enough to say thank you and acknowledge you?

That seems kind of strange to me. I don't care how shy someone is, she isn't so shy that she stays home all the time and she has been able to commence and maintain a r/s with your DSS so she must have some social skills.

I think you should sit her and DSS down and discuss it. Tell her the effect her behaviour has on you and the rest of the house (feeling like hired help etc) and talk about how she's going to have to deal with various people as she grows up/becomes an adult and being able to use common manners is just one of many life skills she needs. She should be practising with you and your family in a non-threatening environment if it's that much of an issue for her.

If talking to her doesn't change anything, I think you'd be within your rights to say she's not welcome in your home. That's a tough call because she does sound like she doesn't cause any other dramas but it's your home, guests should respect you and your rules. GL with it.

[Inertia]

I don't think you are asking too much. Sure we can be a little less tolerant of things when pg - but its no doubt been building anyway. I am the kind of person that would say "you're welcome" to them afterwards as a prompt. I do it to my own kids all the time when they forget to use their manners and thankfully with them its a genuine forgot and they apologise and say thank you.. but its no ruder than not being thanked in the first place.

But no - not being precious. I wouldnt just want someone barging into my house, helping themselves to whatever and completely ignoring that I exist. Thats pretty much what she is doing and it is outright rude!

ETA: IRL Situations - I am horrifically shy. I am the person in the corner who has about 3 chips because I am too shy to take anything more or eat a normal amount in front of people.... and yet I have never forgone my manners. Ever.

[BrightSparkles]

no hun, i don't think your being precious... i would expect the same!
xx

[Fleur]

Argh no not at all. There is a big difference between being shy & being rude. There are plenty of shy kids who know how to say thankyou.

Interesting that your DS obviously recognises this in trying to get her to say thankyou...

I don't have any suggestions as to how to deal with it sorry but I do agree it might be time to say or do something?

Good luck...

[demongrrl23]

Im going to exercise my common courtesy and say THANK YOU for the replies!!

Ive never had a problem with DSS manners...from the day he walked in its always been please and thank you and have never had to prompt him otherwise...so it is good that he will speak up for her and say thank you on her behalf, but he shouldnt have to IMO...this girl is nearly 18 and is quite old enough to speak up for herself as far as Im concerned....he wont do anything about it though (in so much as speaking up for himself and telling her off)...he is far too blinded by love/lust to do anything to rock the boat!! lol!!

But yes, I will be saying something to DSS before her next visit......during a discussion on another issue DSS was having with hubby, hubby did bring the issue up (as I had brought it up with him about an hour previously)...DSS has obviously gone back to his room and told his g/f what Ive said, cos she was staring daggers at me for the rest of the visit!! lol!!

So again, everybody, THANK YOU!!!

[Jellyfish]

I hope this isn't out of line because I can understand how frustrating it would be but she could genuinely be shy. Reading through your post I just related so strongly to the experiences. I know that when I was 17, I had been with my boyfriend for half a year before I even worked up the courage to go to his house and I would always try to sneak in without having to talk to anyone there. I wasn't trying to be rude, I was just terrified. I would rush straight up to his room and rush straight out the door when my parents or whatever came to pick me up to avoid any form of communication. When we did run into his parents or siblings, I stayed quiet and let him do the talking. It wasn't that I didn't want to say thank you or didn't appreciate things that they did, I just couldn't physically get my mouth to say anything when I was around them. I would get in the car and feel horrible for not speaking but then the same thing would happen again because it was a situation I was not comfortable in. I think that the best thing to do is talk to her about how you are feeling. Try not to accuse her of being rude but maybe open up the communication channels by explaining you really would like to get to know her better. I think once she feels more comfortable then her true personality will come through.

Or she could just be rude but I think since she is your DSS girlfriend then give her the benefit of the doubt for now. I really hope it gets better for you

ETA: Just saw your response and I think that if she is staring daggers then that is quite rude behaviour, unfortunately. It is a hard situation because obviously, your DSS likes her so hopefully talking to him clears the air and things improve.

[Jahzara]

I dont think it is too much to ask at all.

It is manners - plain and simple.
When my boys are a bit older, i will have those expectations of them and their friends !
Hopefully she starts talking soon - for everyones sake.

Goodluck !

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

If DS's girlfriend ignored me, she would NOT be welcome back. If she really were that shy, she could write me a thank-you note for DS to give me.

And I'd point out to DS does he want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who won't speak to his family? What if she goes "shy" around his work colleagues - will he not go out with them? What if she's "shy" of her children, or their spouses - will he be cut out of his own children's lives? OK so it's VERY far in the future (both DS having a proper girlfriend AND having children!) but it's worth considering. I broke up with guys because of they way they treated their or my families: if they do that to family, what will they do to our children? Don't want to find out.

DH is VERY shy, btw, and in big family situations with my family he tended to keep behind me or only talk to my mum and sister - and Gran, when he got to know her a bit. But he knew enough to say goodbye and thank you to the hosts!

I'm quite shy and could still make conversation over a dinner table with boyfs' parents. And if I knew I was being a bit too quiet, as I was when staying at DH's parents' house the first time, I got his mum a thank-you gift for letting me stay over.

[HotI]

I hope this isn't out of line because I can understand how frustrating it would be but she could genuinely be shy. Reading through your post I just related so strongly to the experiences.

Me too. Sometimes its hard for others to realise how hard it is when you are shy.

I think you could talk to her about it, but not if others are around and try not too be confrontational. Maybe try to get her to open up when its just you, your DSS and her.

[kirsty_lee]

No I don't think your being too precious about it. I'm the same. Christ, I was one of those kids that would be DYING for a drink over at a mates place and wouldn't ask lol I didn't want to 'trouble' anyone. I think she's just let her shyness REALLY get the better of her kwim? Some kids are just ridiculously shy around other people. Which, as you said is no excuse. But maybe you could even say something to her as well as your DSS and explain why it upsets you so that way she learns?

[krysalyss]

Nope not precious. The whole daggers thing points that maybe she is just rude. Think you are well within your rights to expect some respect, just as you would respect her.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

i remember being that age.. seeming it was only 4 years ago. Personally... take it easy with her. Your kids have good manners, because you taught them. But how do you know she has had the saame up bringing? She will be shy and probley even talking to you would make her get the butterflies. My advice is.. dont get your son to talk to her, thats embarrasing for both of them. Just encourage her to talk to you to start off with. Ask her how she is and how was school etc. Dont wait for her to say hello, say hello first, so she learns its what you expect. Once she becomes more comfortable with you, things will run much mor smoothly.

[Heaven]

I was one of those kids that would be DYING for a drink over at a mates place and wouldn't ask lol I didn't want to 'trouble' anyone.

pmsl me too. Actually I think I'm still like that at other ppl's houses. I was/am very shy with ppl I don't know. When I went over to my bf's house I never knew what to say. But I was taught manners and I always said thankyou for having me. I think she should at least be able to do that!

[DoubleK]

i used to be the 'visiting girlfriend' when dp and i got together when we were 18 (as in, the first night i met his parents i stayed the night,showered and left for work the next morning..) i was terribly shy, but always said hello and 'tried' to make conversation, even though i could feel my face going bright red! it took me a few months to actually have breakfast there! and eventually MIL told me to help myself to the pantry to make a sandwhich for lunch for work! without trying to attract any attention, i would occasionally buy 2 litres of milk, or a packet of salada biscuits or weetbix.. and out them in the pantry. it didnt take long before i was totally 'at home' there. but i always forced myself to interact with dp's parents.. as i didnt want to come across as your DSS's girlfriend is!

i dont think you're asking too much at all. i woud have a chat to DSS and tell him you would appreciate a little but of recognition... after all.. she is a visitor in your house.

[Cassius2]

i think Krystal ball is on the money there. get them outta the bedroom and into the main part of the household. have her immersed in more interaction that goes beyond the 'formalities' of dinner etc. that way there might be more of a chance for her to gain confidence and emotional maturity to be able to 'suck it up' and say thanks every now and then. i know that it worked with me!

[Marlene]

Shyness is looking downwards or blushing as you say hello, goodbye, thankyou etc...what she is doing is just plain rude!