i think Krystal ball is on the money there. get them outta the bedroom and into the main part of the household. have her immersed in more interaction that goes beyond the 'formalities' of dinner etc. that way there might be more of a chance for her to gain confidence and emotional maturity to be able to 'suck it up' and say thanks every now and then. i know that it worked with me!
Kirsty, when I was 7 I asked for a drink at my mum's friend's house (we were there about 3 hours). I got such a telling off for being rude that I will now not drink all day rather than ask for a drink!
But if someone offers me a drink or makes me one, I still say "thank you very much". This from a woman who had an anxiety attack from shyness on Monday. There are such things as manners!
And yes, I'd also tell DSS that his girrlfriend isn't to go in his bedroom - personally, I'd not be happy having a teenage couple doing bedroom/sleepover things in my house, you may not be the same but I'd really be uncomfortable with it.
I agree definitely take it easy. No need to be harsh. You can talk to her about it gently. I see no reason to be harsh in these circumstances. Shyness isn't rudeness.
I'm just remembering being a rude 17 year-old...I think you would be doing her a huge favour if you gently taught her about what you expect when she's in your house. I remember my boss (when I was 17 I worked in retail) made it her mission to improve my 'customer relations' skills because I was very 'shy.' If you let her know that in your house you expect some conversation and common courtesies, she might react with a bit of shock, but she'll get the picture and she'll respond accordingly. She will also look back on it one day and appreciate the lesson you gave her.
And...she might just realise what a very cool mother-in-law you could be! And that you could probably be a friend to her as well.
I don't think your being "precious" it's totally reasonable to expect good manners from a guest in your house. having said that...
I'm a very shy person too, I often want to say thank you for something, but I feel I have to wait for the right moment to do so and then it's too late and I can't make myself do it. I'm quite simply afraid to. I never mean to be rude or ungrateful but it's very hard for me to overcome those feelings and I feel horrible for not expressing my gratitude.
I mentioned it the other day to DP and he made me do it there and then even though it was hours later. Maybe she just needs a nudge in the right direction...
Although, if she was giving you nasty looks then maybe it is just plain rudeness in which case I think your totally right in telling her she must be polite or don't come back.
Maybe if it is shyness you could initiate conversations? You know, say hi, ask if she wants a drink, ask how her day was, don't always ask questions that can be answered with 'yes' or 'no' but ones that require a bit of detail. If she's shy, try to draw her out, make it easy for her to talk - it will either draw her out gently, or if she refuses to acknowledge you, show your DSS that her behaviour is pretty extreme.
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