Am I being too precious?

[Fleur]

Argh no not at all. There is a big difference between being shy & being rude. There are plenty of shy kids who know how to say thankyou.

Interesting that your DS obviously recognises this in trying to get her to say thankyou...

I don't have any suggestions as to how to deal with it sorry but I do agree it might be time to say or do something?

Good luck...

[demongrrl23]

Im going to exercise my common courtesy and say THANK YOU for the replies!!

Ive never had a problem with DSS manners...from the day he walked in its always been please and thank you and have never had to prompt him otherwise...so it is good that he will speak up for her and say thank you on her behalf, but he shouldnt have to IMO...this girl is nearly 18 and is quite old enough to speak up for herself as far as Im concerned....he wont do anything about it though (in so much as speaking up for himself and telling her off)...he is far too blinded by love/lust to do anything to rock the boat!! lol!!

But yes, I will be saying something to DSS before her next visit......during a discussion on another issue DSS was having with hubby, hubby did bring the issue up (as I had brought it up with him about an hour previously)...DSS has obviously gone back to his room and told his g/f what Ive said, cos she was staring daggers at me for the rest of the visit!! lol!!

So again, everybody, THANK YOU!!!

[Jellyfish]

I hope this isn't out of line because I can understand how frustrating it would be but she could genuinely be shy. Reading through your post I just related so strongly to the experiences. I know that when I was 17, I had been with my boyfriend for half a year before I even worked up the courage to go to his house and I would always try to sneak in without having to talk to anyone there. I wasn't trying to be rude, I was just terrified. I would rush straight up to his room and rush straight out the door when my parents or whatever came to pick me up to avoid any form of communication. When we did run into his parents or siblings, I stayed quiet and let him do the talking. It wasn't that I didn't want to say thank you or didn't appreciate things that they did, I just couldn't physically get my mouth to say anything when I was around them. I would get in the car and feel horrible for not speaking but then the same thing would happen again because it was a situation I was not comfortable in. I think that the best thing to do is talk to her about how you are feeling. Try not to accuse her of being rude but maybe open up the communication channels by explaining you really would like to get to know her better. I think once she feels more comfortable then her true personality will come through.

Or she could just be rude but I think since she is your DSS girlfriend then give her the benefit of the doubt for now. I really hope it gets better for you

ETA: Just saw your response and I think that if she is staring daggers then that is quite rude behaviour, unfortunately. It is a hard situation because obviously, your DSS likes her so hopefully talking to him clears the air and things improve.

[Jahzara]

I dont think it is too much to ask at all.

It is manners - plain and simple.
When my boys are a bit older, i will have those expectations of them and their friends !
Hopefully she starts talking soon - for everyones sake.

Goodluck !

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

If DS's girlfriend ignored me, she would NOT be welcome back. If she really were that shy, she could write me a thank-you note for DS to give me.

And I'd point out to DS does he want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who won't speak to his family? What if she goes "shy" around his work colleagues - will he not go out with them? What if she's "shy" of her children, or their spouses - will he be cut out of his own children's lives? OK so it's VERY far in the future (both DS having a proper girlfriend AND having children!) but it's worth considering. I broke up with guys because of they way they treated their or my families: if they do that to family, what will they do to our children? Don't want to find out.

DH is VERY shy, btw, and in big family situations with my family he tended to keep behind me or only talk to my mum and sister - and Gran, when he got to know her a bit. But he knew enough to say goodbye and thank you to the hosts!

I'm quite shy and could still make conversation over a dinner table with boyfs' parents. And if I knew I was being a bit too quiet, as I was when staying at DH's parents' house the first time, I got his mum a thank-you gift for letting me stay over.

[HotI]

I hope this isn't out of line because I can understand how frustrating it would be but she could genuinely be shy. Reading through your post I just related so strongly to the experiences.

Me too. Sometimes its hard for others to realise how hard it is when you are shy.

I think you could talk to her about it, but not if others are around and try not too be confrontational. Maybe try to get her to open up when its just you, your DSS and her.

[kirsty_lee]

No I don't think your being too precious about it. I'm the same. Christ, I was one of those kids that would be DYING for a drink over at a mates place and wouldn't ask lol I didn't want to 'trouble' anyone. I think she's just let her shyness REALLY get the better of her kwim? Some kids are just ridiculously shy around other people. Which, as you said is no excuse. But maybe you could even say something to her as well as your DSS and explain why it upsets you so that way she learns?

[krysalyss]

Nope not precious. The whole daggers thing points that maybe she is just rude. Think you are well within your rights to expect some respect, just as you would respect her.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

i remember being that age.. seeming it was only 4 years ago. Personally... take it easy with her. Your kids have good manners, because you taught them. But how do you know she has had the saame up bringing? She will be shy and probley even talking to you would make her get the butterflies. My advice is.. dont get your son to talk to her, thats embarrasing for both of them. Just encourage her to talk to you to start off with. Ask her how she is and how was school etc. Dont wait for her to say hello, say hello first, so she learns its what you expect. Once she becomes more comfortable with you, things will run much mor smoothly.

[Heaven]

I was one of those kids that would be DYING for a drink over at a mates place and wouldn't ask lol I didn't want to 'trouble' anyone.

pmsl me too. Actually I think I'm still like that at other ppl's houses. I was/am very shy with ppl I don't know. When I went over to my bf's house I never knew what to say. But I was taught manners and I always said thankyou for having me. I think she should at least be able to do that!

[DoubleK]

i used to be the 'visiting girlfriend' when dp and i got together when we were 18 (as in, the first night i met his parents i stayed the night,showered and left for work the next morning..) i was terribly shy, but always said hello and 'tried' to make conversation, even though i could feel my face going bright red! it took me a few months to actually have breakfast there! and eventually MIL told me to help myself to the pantry to make a sandwhich for lunch for work! without trying to attract any attention, i would occasionally buy 2 litres of milk, or a packet of salada biscuits or weetbix.. and out them in the pantry. it didnt take long before i was totally 'at home' there. but i always forced myself to interact with dp's parents.. as i didnt want to come across as your DSS's girlfriend is!

i dont think you're asking too much at all. i woud have a chat to DSS and tell him you would appreciate a little but of recognition... after all.. she is a visitor in your house.

[Cassius2]

i think Krystal ball is on the money there. get them outta the bedroom and into the main part of the household. have her immersed in more interaction that goes beyond the 'formalities' of dinner etc. that way there might be more of a chance for her to gain confidence and emotional maturity to be able to 'suck it up' and say thanks every now and then. i know that it worked with me!