MIL making me feel uneasy

[Jen27]

Hi Sorry, I hope I don't sound horrible in this thread but my MIL is making me feel uneasy. Its only about a small thing, but I am bothered about it, I'm not sure if its my hormones or not.
Anyway, I am 23 weeks pregnant, I have never had alot of contact with MIL, we live about 30 mins away, but see each other every couple of weeks, sometimes not even for about 5 weeks. We got married in January, she was never seemed that interested in me before I was pregnant, and never asked about our wedding plans. Since being pregnant it has changed though. She wants to know all about the baby. She has already got a spare room in her house set up as a nursery for when the baby comes. she has a cot, high chair, and other baby things. Oh also a walker. Which I don't want our baby using, as I read they can be dangerous
Am I just being a control freak!?
I know this sounds terrible, I'm sure she is just excited, but it makes me feel uneasy. I mean, we haven't even set up a nursery yet! I think I will be a bit protective with the baby, and not want anyone else looking after him/her for a while, but now that MIL has a cot it makes me think shes going to expect to have the baby there quite often! we only live 30 mins away now, but are actually moving to the same country town soon, so will be living a 2 minute walk from each other soon.

Another reason is that both MIL and FIL smoke. fil is not there in the day. So I worry if MIL did look after the baby, when she went outside for a smoke would she just leave the baby inside?or take the baby out with near the smoke?
Also, PIL have a rather big open fire in the living room, we where all talking about cover grills for fires recently,(not sure why..) about if they are getting one etc, I mentioned maybe it would be a good idea for when the baby is here so the baby can't grab the hot black bars and they both just replied with 'nah they soon learn not to touch. Our kids did with hot things' this comment did worry me!

I guess I'm just feeling a bit like this at the moment as MIL hasn't had much to do with me before... also my own parents are in the uk (I met DH over here), so I'm sad my mum won't get a chance to look after the baby

I'm probably just being silly, maybe its my hormones making me feel like this!. I will probably be glad she wants to look after the baby when he/she is born!! . (and I do feel terrible for feeling uneasy about it all, poor mil is probably only trying to be nice )



Is it normal to feel so protective of the baby already!?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I blew my lid at my mum for buying a cot for "when Liebling comes to stay". She lives 300km away and of course he stays with her - whenever I do! But I didn't want him to be "farmed out" to all the relatives. My baby, not yours! Maybe MiL has it so when you visit the baby has a bed for naptime? (Even I'm thinking "yeah right" to that, but maybe.)

My MiL was very interested in me until SiL was pg (she was pg first) - then it all dropped. Even when I was pg and trying to involve her. Your MiL may be similar - you have a working uterus so I'll like you until I can steal the baby.

I always said I would never leave my baby with a person who couldn't follow my rules. So Mum wasn't allowed to babysit until she could, which took almost 2 years. That was "don't give him this food" btw, not anything that you blatantly don't do around babies, like smoke or have an open fire. MiL looked after DS earlier, but that was under duress (from her - DH had been begging her for months before that as I needed a break).

Don't feel bad for not wanting someone to take your baby - as you say, you may change your mind next year. But it's normal and after all, why have a baby to give to your MiL instead of having the fun for yourself?

[paradise lost]

Hun she's HAD babies. You haven't even MET your baby yet, of COURSE you're gonna feel concerned by her busily setting up her life so she can "take" the baby for you.

I suspect, regrettably, i will be very much looking forward to grandchildren by the time i am lucky enough (if i am) to get one. I love babies. I will however resist the urge to kit out a nursery for the baby before it's even born!

Some parents feel really strongly that they remember how tough/tiring having a baby can be and they want to help when their kids come to having babies, and some unfortunately are just really nosy and see the new baby as "theirs".

I don't think you're being a control freak hun. It'd annoy me too, but then my XMIL has seen DD about 3 times in her life and THAT annoys me too, since she lives so close and XP sees DD all the time. So maybe they can't win

The bottom line is this is YOUR baby. Your MIL can put a cot in her house if she wants - it's HER house. But it's YOUR baby, and you dn't have to put it in that cot unless you feel you wan to. Her expectations, especially when she has discussed nothing with you, are her problem. There may come a time when you're really grateful of an older woman to lean on (my mum died before DD was conceived - not the same as being overseas maybe, but i do know what it's like to do new-motherhood without a mum of your own nearby) and there might not. But try not to worry too much ahead of time. She could have ten cots in her house, 3 prams, a whole ROOM full of nappies and that baby will STILL be safe in Mama's belly.

Bx

[berrme]

Wow, your MIL has too much time, money and space! I would find it very strange if either set of grandparents had an entire nursery set up in their homes. Ever heard of a port-a-cot? Grandparents do get excited though, maybe she is just trying to be helpful... in a kind of creepy way.

Whether they like it or not, grandparents have to follow the parents rules. You need to express your concerns, especially about the smoking and the fireplace, and they need to take them on board, otherwise no baby time without you there.
There probably will come a time when you are very thankful for being able to drop bubs around with MIL and have some time for yourself. Both my parents and PILs live in Cairns so I know how much I would appreciate family close by at times. Don't, however, feel like this has to be soon just because MIL took it upon herself to set up a nursery.

[FabFiona]

My MIL was / is like that. She was buying stuff for her grandchildren as soon as I came onto the scene. Thank god my SIL went first with two babies now. My MIL set up a full nursery with cot and bed. She buys stuff for the grandchildren 'just in case' they might need a jumper in 2 years, because it was on sale.

I admit it did bother me at first, but I'm relaxed about it now. It's her decision to do all of that. Her decisions have no impact on me. My MIL has good motivations, so I'm not too fussed. She genuinely wants to help, support and be part of her grandchildrens life.

The other thing to remember is that if you are uncomfortable, get your partner to speak to her. After all, it's his mum, not yours.

[Lulu]

:yeahthat:


Oh wow, she's been waiting for THIS for a loooong time hasn't she!!!! Whats the chances that lots of her friends have grandkids and have been lording it over her

Funny - my mum was shocked when I feel pg young, but it wasn't long until all her friends got jealous and wanting a grandy too. I had some of her friends trying to set me up with their sons oh it was ridiculous

However, she didn't go too mental (but later on she did buy a cot for her place - not a full nursery though), and it has been wonderful being able to get a break here and there.

It must feel a little weird, but try not to panic toooooo much. Realistically she won't be whipping bubs off with her when he's only weeks old - she can't have him until you are comfortable with it, and that might not even be till bubs is over a year anyway.

Cross the other bridges when you get to them - if you are not happy with the fireplace setup, bubs doesn't go. I'm sure they will be scrambling to get appropriate cover if they understand you don't feel its safe enough.

Sometimes it appears that GP, MIL's etc like to tease/annoy/rolleyes at some of the choices we make - the old "well it never hurt us" comments float about alot - just be ready for it and smile through gritted teeth!

Hope she settles down a little for you. Oh and one tip - to avoid a MIL becoming overbearing with advice etc - ASK HER for the advice, ask her how DP was as a baby etc. If she feels included she is less likely to get pushy about things
You don't have to take the advice of course................!

[MantaRay]

Oh hun, no wonder you are worried. That really is over the top, and TBH I would think that she's not going to stop there. I do think that we need to understand that grandparents will do things we don't like (like give them lollies), and that is a part of being a grandparent, but there are limits and your MIL has crossed them.

Having said that, one thing that couples really struggle with is making time to be together and looking after their relationship. So having a MIL is willing and able to look after your baby at times while you see a movie, have dinner or even DTD etc is actually a good thing. But only when you are ready and not necessarily overnight.

I think it would be a good idea to have a chat to your MIL now, before the baby arrives. You could say something like "That is so great that you have nursery set up. When the baby is able to go overnight without a breastfeed, maybe sometime after it's 1st birthday, I am sure we will very much appreciate the opportunity to have a night to ourselves while you babysit overnight. Of course that is some time off so in the meantime that room will be great for when we are here visiting, and maybe for a couple of hours during the day while we go out if you don't mind. I might feel comfortable to leave the baby for short periods after the first few months. We'll see how we go." It will make it easier if she knows where she stands now. I would ask her to get rid of the walker though - they are not at all good for babies and are dangerous. Perhaps it would be best if your DH talked to her about that one!

It sounds also like your MIL might be the sort to give you lots of advice. As hard as it is, I recommend that you are firm with her from the beginning. Let her know that you really appreciate that she cares, and she did a great job raising her own kids (whether or not it's true ), but that the recommendations have changed now and you are comfortable with the way you are doing things. Or the other line I like is "I'm glad that worked for you, I find this works better for me".

GL hun. I hope that your MIL proves us all wrong!

[Jen27]

THANKS so much for all your replies I feel somuch better now. I just needed other opinions as I thought I was going a bit mad!

I think MIL intentions are for the best, she had her children young (1st one at 16, 2nd and 18), and DH sister has being trying for children for about 5 years, and MIL has wanted them for a loooooong time yes.


Thanks again for the advice and replies I or DH will definately talk to her about the smoking and walker for the babies safety

[fionas]

DD is only two so I have an INORDINATE amount of time to go before I have grandkids but I know if and when it happens I will go COMPLETELY mental and TBH I wouldn't rule out setting up a full nursery, I will be beyond excited. Hopefully DD and I will have a good enough relationship that she can tell me I'm being totally ridiculous.

Have a word with her and try to get to know her a bit more. And yes, ask lots of questions beforehand about how she raised her babies - that will give you a really good feel for whether your approach and hers will complement each other or clash.

Good luck!

[ladybird11]

Just from what you've said - I can totally understand why you'd be feeling this way - I would be too.

She sounds like the kind of MIL that could be controlling and I can sense she may try to assert her 'baby raising habits' with YOUR bubba. I really hope she will at least respect your wishes and comply with your wishes, re - no walker, the smoke situation etc.

My mum has a cot set up for DD, a high chair etc but she only looks after DD when I need her to. It sounds llike your MIL is planning on having your bubs on a regular basis. The evidence being she is setting up an entire nursery for bubs.

Then again, with my MIL's (yes, I'm lucky enough to have two - a step and a natural ) they have their favourite hobbies / people for a month and then before you know it something else comes along and snaps their attention.

Maybe over the weeks / months to come try (your DH too) dropping subtle hints about what it'll be like when the baby comes along e.g. "oh, maybe you'll be able to have bubs overnight when we go out every now and then" (trust me, you'll appreciate that )...

[~Raven~]

I'm going to say the opposite

My mum and MIL did exactly the same and bought a lot of baby stuff for use at their house. I was fine with it!

If you go to have lunch or dinner then the baby has somewhere to sleep in a nice comfy cot.
A change table will be more convenient than getting down on the floor and if it's kitted out with stuff you don't need to worry about forgetting anything (I've ran out of wipes in the nappy bag and used mum's stash many times).
High chair will come in very handy when bub is big enough too. Much easier than balancing on your lap to feed. We used to take ours with us which was a PIA.

Don't think of it as her buying the gear so she can nick your baby, more she's trying to make her place more suitable for bub.

I would put my foot down about the walker if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't like them and refuse to put my child in one.

You don't need to leave your baby before you are ready to either so don't feel pressured by it. FWIW my MIL was hankering to babysit but the novelty of grandkids has worn off now it seems She could be all hot air like mine is.

[AliBaby]

I could have written your exact same post about Dp's mum!

Oh it drives me nuts!

I had and still have the exact same feelings as you do hun and I am also really jealous of DD spending anytime with her as I want it to be my mum who lives in Qld. I think it is quite normal to feel this way.

You have been given some really good advice from others. I am even going to take some of it on board as how to deal with mine.

[phynna]

to avoid a MIL becoming overbearing with advice etc - ASK HER for the advice, ask her how DP was as a baby etc.

Oh no, I tried this one.....'twas asking what size DP was when he was born, 3 hours later, she's still talking, only I haven't said a word in between, and she's now on to a description of all the housekeeping jobs she has had over the years.....

[Rivlas]

Grandparent speaking here:
We have a porta cot, was the same one I used for the DD's, high chair and change table.
I also have my own supply of nappies and a change of clothes.
When they come for a visit or stay over night I use the cot and spare bed so we don't have a cranky children and the visit is enjoyable. With everything here they can walk out their door and know we have things here.
Even though they live within 10 minutes of each other this has worked out really well as it also means they can drop the boys off in a hurry if need be.
As for the fire place I would be saying NO GUARD NO KIDS. We had an open fire place as children and my parents always had a guard and the tool not to close to the fire. Kids can move so fast so if you have a guard at least there is notice before they get to the fire
As for smoking near children won't go there....
Just be firm but loving when you tell them how you feel

[SophieRose]

You know, as much as i would freak out if my MIL was buy stuff like a cot and a change table (a porta cot or a spare bed would do, ffs).
I'm actually a little upset and hurt with mine.
My Dp has a little girl (paige, 3 1/2) and his parents have a whole room set up for her, with toys, clothes (honestly enough for three little girls) and they keep constantly changing it for her even though they only see her for an afternoon or something once a month if their lucky. And yet, they haven't seemed to make any effort to get some stuff for bub.
A porta cot, or maybe a spare pack of nappies or some spare clothes would be fine. But there's nothing.
I'm feeling kind of left out on bubs behalf. Lol.
Like even with Paige's bike that she's had there for a year now and is yet to use. MIL was saying that when bubs old enough to ride it, he can just ride that one...It's hot pink with ribbons and butterfly stickers all over it. Why would a little boy want to ride that???
"and if he doesn't like the color, i'm pretty sure we have some left over blue paint from when we painted the bathroom, so we could just paint it"

It's not even like their trying to save money, their loaded!
I dunno. I just feel like Bub's being left out already.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Sophie, my MiL has that with Niece. Niece has her own high chair and bib and plate... if Liebs is there with us for a meal then MiL doesn't know what to do... he could use Niece's things she supposes... yeah, he can. We didn't bring a high chair because you have one. I don't care that you got it for Niece, you have one. We have been for lunch once. Because I didn't bring a high chair with me.

Mum has stuff for DS that I know other children have used - heck, some of it used to be mine! She has a box of toys she gets out for ALL children who visit. Yes, more has been bought since I had DS but nevertheless, it's Mum's stuff for children. My cousin's children can use the high chair when they visit. She can lend the pushchair to another grandma down the road. (She only has this much stuff because she lives so far away: we move in for a week when we visit. Otherwise she'd have spare clothes and not a pushchair IYSWIM.)

I did stop Mum from getting a stairgate though. DS is safe on stairs because he is wary of them. The time we tried a stairgate (on holiday; we don't have stairs inside) DS stood at the top of the stairs (stairgate top and bottom of stairs) and shook the gate screaming at it until the gate dislodged. We figure it's safer that he goes down himself now as he's great at stairs. But otherwise, Mum would have bought fifty thousand safety devices.

It is useful for grandparents to have some things - toys, nappies and wipes, if you visit a lot then why not a cot and spare clothes? But if you're not visiting so often then it's not needed. Once a month, it's great to have toys and wipes. But the nappies won't be used by the time they're grown out of.

Mmmmm.

What was my point?

Oh yes.

If you see the grandparent a lot and get on with them then why not have a nursery there JIC you need it? I never thought I'd get so ill I'd be rushed to hospital and told I couldn't care for my child for the next 24 hours; Mum living nearby with a nursery to hand would be great (or PiL taking DS for longer than the 3hr hospital stay). BUT all grandchildren should be able to use those things! And if you don't see the grandparent that often, it isn't needed. And for someone to set up a nursery when you don't see them that often and they could have helped you do yours first... it would ring alarm bells for me too.

[Lulu]

Oh no, I tried this one.....'twas asking what size DP was when he was born, 3 hours later, she's still talking, only I haven't said a word in between, and she's now on to a description of all the housekeeping jobs she has had over the years.....

Errrm, yeah I hear you on that one!! My MIL can TALK . It's hysterical really because both her boys were perfect, slept through the night at 6 weeks, they never cried.......(refer to Rivlas sig!).
Although I must say, the convos have changed from having a slightly accusatory undertone (because umm, NO I won't give a 6 wk old water overnight instead of a BF to teach them not to wake up), to having MIL confess she wishes she hadn't yelled at her boys so much.....

[Mak]

DH was freaked out when my dad told him that it wasn't just his baby....it was everyone's. Now what dear old Pop meant to say was that they were all really excited about having a new grandchild and wanted to help out. What DH heard was 'WE ARE GOING TO INTERFERE AND CRITICISE'

Bottom line is that your MIL is only going to have access to your bubs on your terms. Sure you may have to hear things you don't want to and feel like you are being judged but honestly I have been shocked by that from complete strangers! I think people feel like they are 'helping' even though they have not been asked.
My IL's haven't had babies around for 30 years and FIL tried to feed both my newborns BBQ chops . He was just soo excited to have them around. I have struggled with the way they do things at times but am also mindful of the fact that they may not be around for too long and that it is a special relationship for both sides. This takes some reminding at times....but I have tried to be firm but calm about our choices without making a scene, we don't leave the kids on their own as IL's have limited English and that has always freaked me out re emergencies/ambulances etc (ridiculous I know but that is my biggest worry).
I do think I am way more undertanding of my families wierdness than DH's though so I try to be more relaxed.
Your MIL seems very excited - I'd be trying to view it as making your life easier and that she now has a common interest with you. (OT that is what happened for my Step mum and I - she has been amazing support). You never know where things will end up.....

YES it is normal to be super protective - it is a bit scary at times~!!!

Good luck