BIL got married 3 months ago and we found out today!

[Jennifer13]

Well, yet again DP's family beggars belief...

My DP and his brother hadn't spoken for almost three years up until Xmas time last year. They'd had a big fight over things my MIL had said to my BIL about us (and she was causing no end of troubles herself and didn't speak to us for nearly 6 mths, whole other topic there ). Seriously DP's family are so dysfunctional it makes my tortured childhood look relatively stable. My MIL has been playing DP and his brother off against each other since they were children.

We found out from MIL late last year that BIL and his girlfriend had gotten engaged on a holiday to Paris. It took her a couple of months to let it out in casual conversation, which I thought was a bit weird at the time. So I bugged and bugged DP to try to rebuild things with his brother since I thought this was a sign they may be settling down to have a family and I wanted DD to get to know her extended family. (Background again: DP and BIL never really knew their own cousins and aunts and uncles due to my MIL constantly falling out with them, totally the opposite from the large extended family I have and love. Don't want this repeated for our children).

When DP spoke to his Dad at Xmas time (which is about the only time he does speak to him - didn't I tell you they were dysfunctional!!) my FIL tells him that my SIL-to-be is pregnant. We were delighted, and finally I get some results from my pestering that translate into action. DP calls BIL, they behave like they spoke last month and nothing else is mentioned. Fine, if that's how they want to do it, it's better than screaming and shouting!

So I invited BIL and SIL to DD's birthday party in March. They came, present in hand, spent some time with us after everyone left, we offered them Lucy's old baby goods to lend.

SIL came over a few weeks before we moved after I called her and asked her if she'd like to pick stuff up (before we packed it away to move). We gave her HEAPS of stuff, pram, rocker, breast pump, playmat, change mat, etc, etc.

I then went over with DD after we moved a few weeks ago for morning tea and to take her a funky thingy where you can listen to the babies heartbeat, plus a seat insert I had found. I asked DP if it would be okay if I built a relationship with SIL separately to whatever goes on (or not) between he and BIL and MIL. He's okay with that, so that's the path I'm taking.

Fast forward to today: we go over to pick up some old wood from MIL's house that she wants to get rid of. Some time during the conversation she tells us that BIL and SIL got married back in April at the registry office, because they wanted their child to "be a real [DP's surname]". Now once I let go of my initial *****liness at her stupid comment (which she tried to backtrack from) I couldn't believe it. They got married three months ago and we find out from MIL today!!!! Apparently they want to have a thing in January next year to celebrate and they didn't even go out for dinner or anything, but still. They went on honeymoon to NZ to have something of a celebration with her family, so it wasn't totally hush-hush or anything. And goodness knows how many people MIL has told before us (she probably went along FFS, but I didn't want to continue the conversation with her when we are trying to keep that relationship separate from this).

I'm still flabbergasted... But, I've told DP we should absolutely take the moral high ground. I'm going to ring SIL and invite them for dinner to celebrate and we will buy them a gift. Open one of our 'keeper' bottles of champagne and make a night of it. DP is a bit hurt his own brother didn't tell him, when we had really offered a big olive branch and things had been at least civil. I'll call SIL next week, now she's on mat leave and we'll book it in.

Can you believe it though?? You'd think by now I'd be used to the craziness that is DP's family, but it just goes to show there can still be new depths.

[MantaRay]

Goodness Jen, what a shock that must have been! I can't believe that they wouldn't have told you after all you have done.

Good on you for not letting it get in the way of patching things up. You are a strong person!

[Jennifer13]

Hmph. Only on the outside, MR. And I'm so determined that our family is not going to operate like that. Plus, as an aside, I'm kinda hoping as a bonus it makes them feel just a little guilty for not saying something. But that would be petty, wouldn't it?!

[MantaRay]

Well, maybe a little petty but I know I'd feel the same way! It's perfectly natural that you are upset by this.

[fionas]

OK, as someone who didn't tell their family they were married until 10 years later , I think weddings and marriages are between the two people involved and there is no obligation to tell anyone or invite anyone.

I know that sounds harsh and I can understand that you're hurt but I think maybe your BIL was thinking that it was early days in re-mending old wounds with your DH (given the short amount of time between Xmas and April) and maybe they didn't want to risk any blow-ups at the wedding. I think your SIL then probably thought, after getting to know you a bit, that you're lovely and she felt a little embarrassed telling you after the fact!

I think celebrating sounds like a lovely idea and I hope you have a great night. I imagine that once the champers is flowing a bit that they may offer you an explanation anyway. I imagine they're feeling a bit sheepish about it already.

[AliBaby]

That is truly bizzarre.I am not surprised that you were shocked seeming you had been making such an effort to re-build the relationship.
I think the celebration dinner idea is a good one and def a lovely thing to do.
I will be interested to hear what they say to you when you tell them that you heard they were married 3 mths ago from MIL.

[Jennifer13]

I think weddings and marriages are between the two people involved and there is no obligation to tell anyone or invite anyone.

I know that sounds harsh and I can understand that you're hurt but I think maybe your BIL was thinking that it was early days in re-mending old wounds with your DH (given the short amount of time between Xmas and April) and maybe they didn't want to risk any blow-ups at the wedding. I think your SIL then probably thought, after getting to know you a bit, that you're lovely and she felt a little embarrassed telling you after the fact!

I actually said to DP that I understand not inviting us (altho DP is a little hurt by that), I'm just surprised that since we've been in touch relatively frequently that they hadn't said anything. I also said that SIL may be embarrassed, I agree with you on that, after all, how do you casually drop it in to conversation now!

Thing is, they've gone thru periods of not speaking before, BIL didn't speak to MIL for 2 years at one point and if BIL and DP don't speak, then do, they get back to it and after a few months are old pals again.

[Jakabella]

Wow!! Thats an unusual one!! I think the dinner is a fantastic idea and I admire how strong you are being about it all.. good on you!!

Kate

[Footsteps]

my real dad remarried and went on honeymoon and didnt tell us till he got back....hes got 3 daughters so i do understand huni...the meal sounds like a brill idea..xxx

[Jennifer13]

Well, now I feel totally deflated. I had a lovely conversation with SIL on the phone the other night and she invited me to a girls' afternoon tea in a couple of weeks (I think in place of a baby shower). So I asked them to dinner, she said they were pretty busy, she'd check with BIL to find a good date and get back to me.

BIL rings DP today to say they have no free time between now and when the baby is due (in September - and SIL is on maternity leave now). And that he assumes the first three months after the baby is born will be out too, wouldn't they? Double DP said no, not really, in fact it's easier to get out and about with a tiny baby (FFS it's only over to our house for dinner, it's hardly a harbour cruise...) than once they're older.

No idea what to say. How do we congratulate them and give them a gift? Although on the plus side, this totally reinforces my decision to concentrate on dealing with SIL and leave the boys out of it.

[Marlene]

I think you are right in just trying to stick to building a separate relationship with SIL. Maybe you two could do a lunch or something and talk about the wedding between the two of you, sounds like BIL is going to sabotage any effort to get the four of you together.

[~clover~]

You are doing a great job. Enjoy your girly tea & maybe see if she wants to go out for lunch & just congratulate her if he's not interested.

[christy]

Wow.... I would be totally stunned as well. I was on speaking terms with my father & was told after the fact that he got remarried. He sent me a card to tell me. I phoned him up and he said "I knew you would be angry so I didn't want to tell you on the phone" *groan* he only got remarried 3 months after the divorce....

[Inanna]

Jen...

I think some people don't place the importance on marriage that others do kwim? Maybe for them it was just a formalizing of what they already have so it's not the big deal it would be to others?

Perhaps she didn't know how to just slip it into the conversation?

I don't know... What I do know is that you are handling it beautifully and I bow down to your emotional intelligence...

Its the way they deal with it - it's not your issue... Drop over with a gift. Wish them well and keep being beautiful you.

May the bridges be mended...

[Visitor3]

Wow ! Jennifer you are really a strong girl, even if on the inside you may feel like screaming, your actions are something to be admired. I guess I always thought weddings are for celebrating with friends and family so I do find it a little shocking. Having said that, perhaps because the reconciliation of sorts, was so fresh, maybe that's why they didn't want to invite you guys? Perhaps they thought lets take it slow, ykwim?
Anyway, maybe just focus on having a pleasant relationship with your SIL and go from there? Good luck with this.... I know what it's like to have a dysfunctional family and wanting to have normality when you start your own family.

[Jennifer13]

Thanks girls, I'm feeling the love from here, even if not from my ILs!! What would I do without you all to offload to?

[fionas]

I agree - build a separate relationship with your SIL. Sounds like she's caught between a rock and a hard place - she wants to get to know you but BIL is dubious about meeting with DH.

I'd just take things slowly - get to know her and at some point you're bound to have a bit of a heart-to-heart about the boys.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Hi Jennifer.

I totally understand why you are upset that they didn't tell you. I also think that your DH's brother is being immature in saying they are "too busy" to go over to your house for dinner.. surely they can spare a few hours one night.. but i do think the tea with your SIL is a lovely idea and maybe you can talk to her about it.

Good luck with the tea