Do you think having siblings 5-6 years apart is too much of an age gap???
Hi there,
Lets just say I am completely torn.
My younger half brother and I are nearly 6 years apart in age (he is the younger one) and we were never close. Hence, I always said that when I had my children I wanted them to be born about 2-3 years apart so they were "closer"
About now is the time to TTC again (well as you can see we have tried this cycle) but I am having second thoughts as to whether the timing is really right. You see, I am a working mum (out of necessity) and it's my passion to go to uni and be a midwife. I always thought I'd have my 2 kiddies then go to uni. But in reality juggling being a mummy to 2, part time work and uni is going to be extremely difficult. Not to mention the cost of having 2 little ones in childcare at the same time.
In my head I definately think that the financial and life balance will be much more do-able if I were to start uni next year and wait until I've finished my degree before giving Charli a sibling. But like I mentioned above, that would mean a 5-6 year age gap and of course I'd be about 36 by then also so TTC may be slightly harder.
Am I being selfish if I decide to go to uni and put baby #2 on hold??? DH is keen to have another one soon because he doesn't want to be an old father (he is 33 )
Help! Your thoughts will be much appreciated.
Thanks for reading.
Last edited by ~mamaspice~; August 19th, 2009 at 10:14 PM.
My younger sister and i are 4years + 8mths apart in age and we were the closest of sisters imaginable ... (sadly our relationship took a turn when she didn't handle my being pregnant well with my 1st bub as she has always wanted a family then she began to distance herself after my DD was born) ... I loved my sister so incredibly & thought the world of her that i named my DD's middle name after her
My DP is 33 ... he would never consider himself old as i was 40 when we had our DD (though i wouldn't recommend having a bub at 40 if you can help it )
My mum is 4 years younger than her brother and 6 years younger than her sister. She was much closer to her brother growing up but more a personality type than anything else she is prety close to them both now.
As Ray ray says , i think its more to do with personalities than age gaps.
I do completley understand where you are coming from though, as i have a 6 yr gap between mine.
Why?
Because like you, i wanted to study, and when I weighed it up I figured it would be easier to manage study and family life with one child rather than 2.
I wanted my kids close together too, but I also didnt want to wait 10 -15 years for my babies to be old enough for me to study. It was brilliant doing my degree (in my 30s too), and a challenge, but im so glad i have done it.
My kids adore each other, but I still feel bad that my eldest was an only for 6 years and even now gets lonely, as the youngest is too young to join in the games he wants to do etc. As tough as that side of it is I am so pleased to have done the study, it was so good to be learning new stuff and mixing with other people outside of my usual circle.
As good as it has been to do that study though, the downside is that with the age/clock ticking thing, I had another baby straight after graduating, and now have to wait a few more years until I can get working and using my qualification.
I made sure I had the support set up in place to be able to do it, but even with that same support I dont think I could have coped doing it with 2 kids. I still was not able to do as much in some study as I wanted, cause I had to go pick up at daycare etc rather than going to the library for research etc.
i don't think 5-6 years is such a big age gap. My kids have 5 years between them and they play along just fine.
I have 10 years between my brother and me. He is older. 10 years is too much as we have nothing in common. We never even fought as kids, he got married real young at 22 whilst i was 12, so i was like an only child.
My brother and I are 18 months apart. My sisters are about the same. There is 6-8 years between me and my sisters.
It's not the gaps that create the problems, but the lack of family. Create the environment where everyone is included in the family unit, even when grown up. Reinforce it whenever you can and however.
My partner tells me time and time again how unique that we are all great mates and a very bounded family. It's not unachievable.
As for the family or Uni decision, it's what is right for you, selfish isn't apart of it. I guess worrying about being an older dad can be concerning, but hey I'm going to be first timer at 40 so it can't be all that bad!
Midwifery isn't a game and having to chance to focus your abilities on your studies is paramount. So perhaps letting that dream come to fruition will also give you the life skills to help juggle a precious addition once you qualify!
I have a gap between my 1st (DD) and 2nd (DS) of 9 years for similar reasons to you: wanted to complete a degree. The gap wasn't a problem, infact it was good in lots of ways... but I dealt with it by having a third soon after my 2nd... another DS.
These days I believe that I couldn't have planned it any better if I had tried! DD was a whoopsie baby when I was 24. She had me to herself for 9 years and then she was actually quite keen to "share" me with babies... they were like living dolls to her! Now she is nearly 15 she is very helpful. I really need her help too as I don't have much extended family for support. She isn't being treated like Cinderella LOL but she happily will babysit for us occasionally (after the boys are asleep) DH and I have recently felt ok about ducking out to a nearby cafe for coffee and cake.
My DH has an even bigger gap of 10 years between him and his brothers... and these days they are great mates. As time passes the gap seems less and less.... from my experience. He is closer to his older brothers than he ever was to his younger sister (2 year gap). But yes, this could be personalities more than anything.
ETA: on a practical level it is really good to have a child old enough to be helpful especially when you are BFing a newborn and the phone rings etc... and I have found that the rivalry between my 1st and 2nd is non existent... unlike between the two boys.
Last edited by Bathsheba; August 19th, 2009 at 11:26 PM.
I agree with TD ... i have a sister 9years older and even to this day she still treats me like i'm soooo much younger than her. We were never parallel on any of our roads in life ... eg, when i was in school she was in the workforce, when she was married i just started to date boyfriends ...when she had a mortgage i was renting ... when she had her 1st baby i was in a serious relationship ... when her son almost started secondary school i just had my 1st baby ... it goes on & on.
Only things we did about the same time was she got her drivers license when she was older & i younger ... and she travelled overseas for the 1st time in her 30's & i did younger in my 20's.
But i must admit our personalities are very different to each other ... and not much common interests ... so that probably wouldn't help in a very big way either and when i think of it probably is the main factor as to why we don't get along more over than an actual 9year age gap
My first three boys are 12,10 and 7 so relatively close in ages. We then decided to have Scout who is 6 years younger than my last and I have definately noticed the age gap.
It is not so much with the 7yr old at the moment but give it a few years when he is hitting the pre teen stage and Scout is about 4, wanting someone to play with its not going to happen.
My older two boys only have short stints of playing with him now so this is how I know what I have to look forward too.
Suckers for punishment though we decided to give Scout his own play mate. While I love having him home by himself during the day while the others are at school I dont think he is all that bothered by it, as he is so excited when his brothers get home.
It is harder when they are closer together but in our case I prefer it I think.
There is 8 years between my bro and I (he is 17) and we are really close...
The only time you really notice the difference is when the older one is a teenager and the younger wants them to do "kid" stuff....
My brother is 2 years younger than me. We are pretty close. (SIL is great & we all get along really good, so it helps ) My sister is 6 years younger than me, 4 years younger than my brother.
TBH she's a PITA...but not because of her age. More because of her selfishness & immaturity. She's starting to get better, but turning the music up when my 2 week old baby just went to sleep in the same room, then telling me that I should go home is a bit much. Turning the TV up over mum & dad's conversation with another couple in the same room. Maybe ok if she was 6! Not 19!!
I decided on 3 years between mine coz MIL had 3 years between her youngest 2. OK for boy/girl, but my girls don't get along near as good! I hope they do when they are older.
5-6 years should be ok As everyone else has said, its more the personalities than anything.
I have one sister 10 years younger & one 4 1/2 years younger & am quite close to both, although I left home at 16 so wasn't with my youngest sister very long. I also have a brother who is 20 years younger than me (he is 4mths younger than my DS1!). Now that's a gap!
I wanted to have mine close together, DD1 & DS1 are 2 1/2 years apart... they don't really have much to do with each other though, they only really did when they were very young & before DS2 came along. I think gender has a bit to do with that... the 2 boys do more together (of course that means they argue more too! )
Now we have DD2, she is 7 years younger than DS2 and everybody of course adores her.. that is one benefit of a bit of a gap, much less rivalry & jealousy, they see her as a gift, not competition. And they are quite helpful to have around too
I think - just IMO - you are better off to work out when it suits you rather than worry about the gap. 5-6 years isn't too much, and as with my first two, even if you have them closer there's no guarantee they'll get on, kwim?
My brother is nearly 7 years older than me, my sister 4.5 years older than me. I hated it growing up, I was never allowed to play with them because I was too young and they didn't want to look out for me. They even left me wandering the streets of brisbane on holiday once when I was about.. 8 I think? They ran off and left me and I had totally no idea where I was so I sat in the gutter and bawled my eyes out They got into a heap of trouble for that though.. hehe
It was always like that growing up, so thats why I had my kids close together, so they would play with the same things, and one isn't too much older than the other one.
My brother and I get along good now (and I adore his wife!) but my sister and I have hardly anything to do with each other - but thats a personality thing - not an age thing
I guess it really does depend on the individual - so many factors to consider.
Going from personal expereince, my brother and I are 16 months apart - and were great mates growing up. My sister is 7 years younger than me and was excluded from many things we were able to do growing up. She still brings up her childhood memories of being spoken over and bullied, excluded and playing alone in her room. We feel terrible about it but, you just cant put an adults head on a child's shoulders. Its only now that she is in her 20's that I feel we can actually have a conversation on a similar level - iykwim..... however I'm sure the relationship will only strengthen with time.
So, for this reason and others, I don't want that for my children. I am also hoping to go back and study part-time - for my life's passion. However I weighed up my options/priorities some time ago and decided it would suit me best if I had my children close together in 'one hit' - (I am also very mindful of taking advantage of my fertility - I am in my late twenties, but many friends my age are now TTC and are finding it to be much more difficult than they imagined, some going down the assisted conception route etc), and that way I can get the whole night waking, toilet training, stay at home period over with in one fell swoop. Not to say that I don't enjoy this period - its wonderful, but my ability to study and work will be there later and for many years to come- my fertility will not. As I once heard someone say...."You can modify your life to work around your biology, but you cannot modify your biology to work around your life" - I think this is worth considering.
I guess what I keep telling myself is that, my patience will pay off- they are only little for so long, and once they are 'in the system' (school etc) they are on their way to becoming little adults and I am only going to get increased independence with time.
My sis is 2y4m younger than me. I didn't start liking her until I was 15.
My bro is 5 years younger than me, and I have adored him since before he was born. He was like a living doll to me (like Bath says) So I think if it suits you, go ahead and wait the 5 years.
Or get a bfp in the meantime! Good luck!
Oh wow! Thanks so much for all of the replies everyone. Your opinions are very much appreciated and it certainly has given me some food for thought!
I am inclined to agree with the overall consensus that whether siblings get on isn't so much about age gaps as it is about personality and the family environment in which they are raised. Especially when they are older, but I can see how small children with a close gap are much more likely to play happily together.
I do still need to consider my age though ie: being 35ish when TTC again if I wait til after I study.
What has bought this all to the fore for me is that i received a phonecall from the University midwifery course convenor yesterday out of the blue. And the more she told me about the course structure etc etc (it's a new degree for this particular uni) the more perfect it sounds. I also love the aspect of being able to do the latter part of my training and possibly then be employed by the Gold Coasts brand new first class University hospital which is due to open in 2011/12.
if I am successful in gaining a place in the first year offer round it will be very very hard to turn it down.
My bro is 5 yrs older than me. As kids.. it was nothing but tormenting me. When I was mid-late teens we hung out together quite well. I didn't expect to go out with his friends or anything (mainly coz they were over 18 and were out at bands and pubs & stuff) but we got on well and hung out at home together. As adults we've drifted apart but nothing to do with age.
My kids are 19mths apart. I can totally see how a big age gap would be easier parenting wise LOL. But they do play together and I *hope* they grow out of the current rivalry. I'm thinking perhaps it's just a big brother thing... they're all mean to their little sisters! LOL.
I'm sure you'll get whatever age gap you end up with to work
Do you think having siblings 5-6 years apart is too much of an age gap???
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) My sister is 6 years younger than me, 4 years younger than my brother.
They got into a heap of trouble for that though.. hehe
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