That when an adult gets upset and cries and screams they are having a bad day or a melt down and they need love, understanding and support.
Yet when a child does the same thing its called a tantrum and its because they are naughty?
Aren't the the same thing? Its just some how more acceptable as an adult.
Just something I pondered today... maybe something to ponder next time your little one falls on the floor over a broken banana. It's never about the banana... I know for me it isn't anyway.
And why is it ok to laugh at a child when they are showing emotional distress, even if it is over a banana? When if someone laughed at you when you were crying and irrational you would be devastated and possibly feel betrayed and misunderstood?
Just because they are encased in little bodies, doesn't mean they don't have the same emotional needs or outbursts we do. And as a result need the same understanding and respect.
I definitely agree with what you are saying... it's just that my POV is that the adult version is sort of the same as the kid in that I tend to ignore both if they are irrational but offer some sort of support if I can, ie stroke the face for reassurance or stroke the ego is so be the case...
Great point Rouge! I've been laughed at many a time for going against people who say that month old babies are manipulative - we need love and regular attention, why shouldn't they get it?
good point. Ive never seen a tantrum as being naughty. I see it as frustration on Mia's part mainly. Not understand why she cant open the book, or cant quite grab something. Us adults have more understanding in how to deal with these emotions, where as these little bodys dont. They are learning. From learning they will thrive. I find yelling at them when they are like this, is discouraging the learning.
I do understand the laughing bit. I find it hard not to laugh.. but now reading that.. i will, try harder.
You're definitely right. Something for me to think about next time dd3 expresses her emotions. I find if I do smile when she is having a meltdown, it's because if I don't - I will cry. Especially if we're at the shops and I'm trying to keep calm.
I definitely agree with you Rouge, and that thought is the second thing that runs through my mind every time Munch throws a fit over (what the casual observer would see as) nothing. The first thought, for the record, is either 'Oh, Christ, not AGAIN...' or it's the urge to laugh at the absurdity of her throwing herself on the floor because of something small.
But, as you say, it's never 'just the banana', and I totally understand that. My dad once told me that the 'terrible twos' is actually a stage where new brain connections are being formed, leading to a similar thing that teenagers go through - attitude, rebelliousness, confusion, irritability, and actual physical pain that wasn't there before because the nerve connections didn't exist. How bewildering it must be a for a small child to be dealing with all of these things going on, and not having the ability to communicate it appropriately to the grown-ups in their world? I do have my moments when I completely blow a fuse over DD1's tantrums, but for the most part I try to be as understanding and empathetic towards her as I would expect someone to act towards me when I'm having a hard time dealing with what's going on around me or inside me.
Great point, Rouge. Thank-you for starting this discussion
ETA: Your question actually reminds me of another situation that some other parents may not agree with - my personal definition of 'crying it out' with babies. I believe that just like adults, babies get overstimulated (as we all know) and sometimes need to have a cry to 'vent' their emotions, and to help them wind down after a long, hard day. I don't believe it is healthy to pacify a baby or child every single time they whinge or cry - it teaches them that expressing negative emotion is 'bad' and that bottling it up is 'good' - that feelings of anger/sadness/frustration/etc are only appropriate to express behind closed doors... and that leads to very unhealthy habits later in life, especially if this attitude is enforced throughout the duration of their formative years. I don't ever leave my babies to cry by themselves, I offer them the comfort of my arms and my care, but when I know that they've had a long day and are probably just 'venting', I won't go any further with comforting than just holding them and letting them get it all out so they can get it off their chest and move on, so to speak.
I don't know if that made any sense, but just something else to think about
Last edited by Glamourcide; October 26th, 2009 at 12:06 AM.
No that made total sense. And is a very interesting perspective. Funnily enough no amount of pacifying could comfort my children at some points, and I too thought similarly that it was their way of communicating their frustrations but not necessarily saying "fix it". I never CIO'd either but I didn't always try and find ways in which to comfort them other then holding them or being with them. Purely because if I knew they were not sick, they were fed, and clean and even me holding them in my arms not much else would soothe them. I would still try but I wasn't one to get hysterical if I couldn't soothe my baby. The first time I nearly went round the twist, the second time I started to and then stopped and realised I'd been through all this before and she wasn't broken so there wasn't a need for stress. So its funny you see it that way, as when I was going through it and people would say "What do you do to him/her to make him/her cry like that" I was always thinking that perhaps my children were just expressive beings And I can see now they are very much so!
interesting points ladies. first i totally agree with you rouge. i have a friend who had a baby a few months ago and told me that he cried all the time and she just has to leave him cause he has started to realise that if he cries some one will come to pick him up....he was WEEKS old....i nearly died right there on the spot. God forbid this tiny little person should think that there is someone there for him in the big crazy world! i lent her some books and slipped ''What Every Parent Needs to Know: The Incredible Effects of Love, Nurture and Play on Your Child's Development'' by Margot Sunderland in there. She is a bit different now. but i just couldnt understand how she got to that point of view in the first place.
And secondly i agree with your point G. sometime DD just looses it and needs to have a good cry, i put my arms out for her and she comes in for a big cuddle, after a min she picks her self up, wipes her face, we have a big kiss, i grin at her, she grins at me and we carry on playing.
not something I've ever wondered exactly....well I have but not enough to form a statement/question like you!
It's the basis of why I don't agree with CC at all.....I totally believe that babies/kids need to feel secure and protected. I know I do and I'm an adult who knows how insane the world is...they know so little about the big wide world.
i am at the point of having a dig at my SIL for laughing at E when she drops the lip. like you've seen Rouge, she is a very passionate little poppet - and when she is insecure, she gets upset - if you talk to her when she drops the lip, she improves - if you laugh at her, she gets upset. i would too! i now just take her back when they do it. i'm hoping they get the message without me saying something - doubt it though.
E already has crying bouts out of frustration - we talk to her through them, pick her up and try to work out what the tantrum is about. i don't disregard them - if she's crying, there is a reason. that reason might simply be that she's tired and needs to feel close to us - so be it. she's still tiny! i've been told i'm making a rod for my own back - stiff - it's my back and i'll make as many rods as i like!
i'll proudly call it a rod Marcellus - rods are sources of strength when they're placed the right way! these rods give me more strength than anything else - they help my convictions to be the bestest mummy i can be!
I have told DP many many many times why I will not allow CIO or have people laugh when DD is upset. Children experience so many new things that often they do not know what to do with the new item that they will cry... I have told DP that yes it is ok for DD to cry (so many people have suggested to him that it is ok for her to cry but they mean CIO... um no!!) so I say to him yes I agree it is ok for her to cry but she needs to know that she is in a loving environment and we are here for her and will help her to process these new things/feeling/experiences.
I also don't understand why it is acceptable to hit children?? Babies are people too!! It is not ok to hit another adult. If you do something wrong at work your boss can't hit you for it!! But for the smallest and weakest of our society this is acceptable JMO
This is a very real issue i have with the older members in my family, especially my mother The denial of the validity of being upset if a child is demonstrating those emotions. It makes my blood ab...sol..utley BOIL! A "tantrum" or groundless fears etc are simply too inconvenient for them it seems. I know my mother especially takes it very personally if a child cries in her presence. Last time my youngest did it she snapped "Stop it!" at him like she does with her dog! Infact she speaks with more kindness to her dog. And this is a woman who is having meltdowns herself on a regular basis. I think she just doesn't like sharing the limelight. Grrrrr.
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