12 & 14 act like 5yr olds - how to discuss with mum

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

My mum, step dad and 2 brothers will be moving to Adelaide in the next week or so, i have had my 2 brothers here for a couple of days and notice their behavior more and more.
We (DP & I) have always noticed they act younger than they are for the following reasons:

1. They are hard to have a conversation with - they talk slowly, about things people are not interested in, forget what they were saying half way through and then start the conversation 30min later when you have no idea what they are talking about.

2. They are VERY affectionate towards each other and other people, they will lay on each others knees and rub their hair, they always kiss and cuddle everyone before bed (have started shaking guys hands now though), constantly trying to pick DD up and baby her when she sooks or comes near them.

3. They literally act like 5yr olds, were in the pool this morning and they were squealing and acting like little kids, even DD doesn't squeal like that in the pool.

4. You tell them to do something and if they are watching TV they are oblivious to the world, you have to near on yell at them to get their attention and even then they look at you blankly.

5. They hardly hang around kids their own age, they never GO OUT and hang with friends, they don't go to the movies or catch buses anywhere.

I am seriously worried they will move and someone is going to belt the crap out of them, they both play sport and have plenty of interaction with ppl but they hang with mums friends kids (always seem to be the feral clingy type, mum gives a lot and gets nothing in return).

I want to chat with mum and tell her she REALLY needs to let them do things for themselves, they need to go out and experience life and grow some balls (so to speak), spend less time relying on each other, mum and her friends and do something for themselves.

The 14yr old can basically get his L's when he moves, we told him this and thinking most young boys would LOVE that idea he went pale and looked petrified, i said he could have his licence by like 16 or whatever and have some freedom and he almost looked like he would cry!

Also just remembered while they have been here they sit and watch DD's cartoons and they are transfixed, i have to tell them to turn the TV off and go outside or do something else.. DD only watches telly til 10am (even then she's playing not watching) and then it's off and she plays inside or out.
I have had to tell them about 15times not to jump HARD on the tramp as it's not ours and has special springs for smaller kids.. this morn the oldest B jumped really hard and i spat it told them to get the F off it and their not going back on at all... i felt horrible but seriously how often do i have to tell them?
They play with DD's toys even when she's in bed and otherwise all they want to do is play the playstation all day.
We are on 10acres, not once have they asked to ride a motorbike or just gone out to explore the paddock, they could take the dogs for a walk, go on go-karts, chase lizards.. NO NOT INTERESTED!

By this age we were hardly ever home, doing things on our own and very independent... how can i bring this up with mum?
Sorry it's so long but it's really getting to me, my other step brothers are 8 & 6 and behave better in public and have better social skills.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

anyone?
Mum is coming tonight and am thinking we might need to chat.. they are driving me NUTS today.

[Ryatha]

I'm not a parent of teenagers but I am a high school teacher. The behaviours you are describing are quite unusual for their age. With what you have available at your house and they don't want to use it is pretty odd. When you speak to their mum, mention that at their age they things they should be doing. Maybe ask if anything was mentioned at their schoool as the teachers would have noticed their behaviour. I'm sorry I can't help with any more... good luck

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Thanks Ryatha.
The 14yr old does have some hearing issues which have been addressed but it still doesn't explain a lot of behavioral issues to me.

I mean most boys their age don't want to go near their brother let alone rest on them and pat their hair, they also don't want to kiss and hug mum/dad/family every morning and night before or after bed.

Maybe it's just because mum babies them, i don't know... i find it odd.

[Lulu]

It doesn't sound like they get out enough does it? Although I don't think it's weird they enjoy each others company, not all children fight and they may not have many options for friendship.

Can they ride motorbikes? Maybe they don't know how?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

LuLu - they spend a lot of time at the football/cricket club but still choose mums company over kids their own age, they play a sport all year round they just don't seem interested in spending time with other people... it's kind of odd.

Regarding the motorbikes they know how to use them and the go-karts, they have used them before

I spend a lot of time defending them to my DP and just say it's not their fault they don't get out but the last couple of days i am not sure it's just that, we have given them so many opportunities to act their age or do more mature things and they still just sit around like 5yr olds.

I just don't know where to go with it, i have reminded them 5 times today to flush the toilet then before i go in and one of them hadn't put the seat up and managed to pee on the seat and the floor and didn't flush even after being reminded.
DD can't use the toilet and unless i managed to pee sideways and UP the bowl it wasn't me.
At their age these things should not be issues right?

I love them to bits but it's getting beyond a joke.

[Lolli]

Hmmm hun I dunno. Agreed, it sounds like they don't get out enough. But the fact that they are affectionate is quite nice, and not really a problem. The not listening thing just sounds like normal teenagers But on the whole, maybe they are just a different type of kid, iykwim? The quiet, sensitive type, not rough and tumble, and a bit immature for their age. Like I said, I agree it's not usual, but it's not neccassarily a problem.

If you really want to broach it with their mum, maybe say something like "Have you thought about karate/ soccer/cricket for the boys?" And go about it from there. She might not think these things are issues as much as you do...

Sorry if that's not want you want to hear hun. I do understand your concerns, but other people's kids are very sensitive ares to tread

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Thanks everyone.

I think my issues is they play sports, all year round, they have done cricket, football, soccer, karate you name it and yet there is still NO confidence what so ever.

Mum knows there are issues as i have asked before about the conversation skills, now it's getting a bit more.. i mean peeing on the seat at 12 & 14?
Will see what she says.. i love them to bits, they are my brothers and no matter what i know it's fine for them to be who they are and unique etc but i just want to make sure there are no other issues.

[Lulu]

Well what's your step dad like?

Boys need their dads so much at this age, they need someone to lead them. Does he participate in the sports too, take them motobike riding etc?

[Ryatha]

How did it go last night? Did you get a chance to talk to your mum about them?

It is a hard one to help with as some of their behaviours sound perfectly normal, but it sounds like you are most worried about their ability to be independent and their confidence. Maybe raise that with your mum and suggest they do somethings more independent of your her and your stepdad and of each other. Do they play all the sports together?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Thanks Ryatha.... i had a chat with mum about a few things that had happened and she admits that they don't ACT THEIR AGE, she also says it's partly her fault as she doesn't let them do things due to the area they were in.... it's not THAT bad... lol

I think she's going to have a chat with them about it.

[~Serenity~]

just wondering and i dont mean to sound rude but have they been tested for things maybe they have learning disabilities or something and thats why and its something thats out of there control

[Oorki Galoorki]

I dont see it as being to much of an issue i would rather affectionate children then ones who beat each other up just because they are boys.. yk?

also telling your bro he can get his licence is wrong. in SA he has to be 16 to get his L's so you freaked him out for no reason. I also know MANY people who dont drive because it scares them it isnt a MUST have in life.

peeing on the seats well many men still can not get that under control. how many women complain about the lack of toilet seats going down when they are married. Lots of Normal behaviours but i think you may be comparing them to your DH who may be really well "trained".

unless its a problem for THEM or your mum then they should do something, if not then just relax let them be who they are.

[Rouge]

My children (ages 3 & 8) are extremely affectionate they will sit on the couch and cuddle and watch TV, they will comfort each other when they hurt each other and they don't fight very often. They are perfectly fine.

I have to say I agree with Oorki, unless it's a problem for them or for their parents I don't think you need to intervene. If they are happy and healthy it's fine. Not every child does the same things as other children. As for letting them out... I won't be letting my kids catch the bus on their own at that age if they don't need to. And I know heaps of people (now adults) who's parents preferred to drive them and they are perfectly fine.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

just wondering and i dont mean to sound rude but have they been tested for things maybe they have learning disabilities or something and thats why and its something thats out of there control

I was going to ask the same thing. But it could also be that your mother is babying them and they dont feel the need to grow up and do things like other boys their age. How are they in school do you know? Are they mentally up with the other kids in their class?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Re: the driving my mum mentioned it first and we were saying about how it may be good for him to have some independence, i was only going of the age as per mum.

It is an issue with my mum, she has advised me on numerous occasions about how embarrassing it can be to go out with them as they act like 5yr olds, it got to a point they stopped going to restaurants with friends.

I understand not all men can aim for the toilet and there can be issues causing this etc but my point is they KNOW they do it, they go bright red when you ask them about it and they know which one of them did it... they don't clean it up and they blame each other.. it's disgusting!

I love my brothers and i only want the best for them, i don't want to CHANGE them as such i just want them to be able to get through life without being constantly picked on or being the boys who don't have friends because they wont act their age.
Tonight my 12yr old brother got in trouble for playing with DD's (1) toy piano and snatching it off her.. i mean really!

Mum admits she babies them and it's mainly her fault.. hopefully the move will get them a little out of their comfort zone and make them realise mum and her friends are not the only people in the world!

I'm sorry if i sound horrible i just worry about them.

[fionas]

You don't sound horrible, you sound concerned.

And TBH, I'd be concerned too.

Yes, some of what you've described isn't necessarily a problem but put it all together and they sound like kids who will have a few problems integrating into another community - which I know is what you're worried about.

I have absolutely no idea what to suggest because it sounds as if you've tried a few things like encouraging them to get out of the house and it's not working.

Maybe for one of the days you could say, "right, tomorrow there's no TV, no playstation and no playing with DD's toys ... you come up with some ideas of what you want to do." See if that works and maybe your mum could start doing something similar too - have a few days where they need to come up with stuff and gently tell them that although they've not been allowed to do many things before, they're bigger now.

I think with the peeing thing, you've got to come up with some consequences. How's your mum on discipline?

I know exactly what you mean - my nephew is a lot younger (about 10) but he's a bit similar in that a lot of what he does (or doesn't) isn't age appropriate and I worry about how he's going to get on in the world.

[Mummato2]

I can see why you are concerned.

If your mum knows of the issues but hasn't done anything about it, then the best you can do is attempt to instill change when they are with you.

This means taking the tough stance:

1) Tell them TV is on until 10am and then they are to go outside to find things to do. If it's raining or too hot etc, find age appropriate activities indoors and explain that the baby's toys are for the baby.

2) When you discover urine on and around the toilet, call both boys in and calmly ask them who did it. If one confesses, then they MUST clean it, if neither confess, then they BOTH clean it. Tell them it isn't fair that you should be the one to clean after their mess or find the bathroom in that sort of condition.

If they do it again, tell them they must now urinate with the door open so you can make sure they are peeing properly - emphasis being on the fact that if they either cleaned up their accidents OR took more care, they would earn the privilege of privacy.

3) Try to have discussions with them one on one to see if there's a notable difference between when they are apart and when they are together. Try to talk about things of interest to them (even if it seems infantile) and explain to them that baby talk at their age is just going to cause them grief amongst peers when they move (if they are using this deliberately)

It seems like your mum has babied them beyond belief and because of that they act the way they're treated. When you have them, I'd take it upon myself to show them what they can do at their age and reward their good behaviours.