I wish I didn't have to be here, that I was not crying, that I was able to be with my older children reading stories before bed... but the tears just flow.
We lost our daughter Clara almost 1 month ago at 31 weeks of pregnancy.
I am heartborken. Everyone keeps asking me how I am like they expect the answer to change.
Some friends have been wonderful, so supportive, let me cry and talk about Clara. Others don't call, I feel like they are avoiding us. There are some friends that I don't want to talk to, they are pregnant and I am so worried that I will scare them by talking about our loss.
When do you start to feel less numb? I feel like I am just going through the motions. I look after our older daughters all day, make meals, clean up and go to bed and cry. Is this what it will be like for the rest of our lives? I just feel so alone.
My husband is wonderful, so very kind and supportive, and so sad about losing Clara so suddenly too. But it is just a different process for him to go through. I just want to connect with other women.
I am already feeling like I want to try again, but there are so many what ifs and what nows? I still haven't heard anything from the doctors or the hospital about Clara. The cord was around her neck 3 times and she had heavy bruising, so we think it was a cord accident. Does anyone know if this is something that can happen again. Some of the websites I have read say that I am now a higher risk for more Stillbirths, there is so much information out there and I am so overwhelemed with all of it. I just want to know what happened to my poor baby and whether or not it is something I will go through again.
Sorry, my thoughts are all over the place right now... I am just in need of talking and it is all coming out. Thanks for listening.
Sorry to welcome you to BellyBelly in such sad circumstance. But you will find that it is a wonderful community of many women who will understand and reach out.
I am so very sorry for your loss of Baby Clara. Sending many thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
So sorry for the loss of your precious Clara, such a beautiful name. I wish I could take away your pain, it does get easier in time. I also wanted another child after losing Emmanuel and having that fear throughout your pregnancy is normal. I was classed high risk even though the odds of having another Trisomy 13 baby were 1/10,000, I'm not sure of the risks with cord accident, hopefully someone here will be able to offer you some information. I found talking about Emmanuel was my best therapy and I could only do that here on BB with people who understood what I was going through. Sometimes friends can feel uncomfortable to talk to you about your loss as they think they are hurting you more. Maybe once you are feeling a bit stronger sit down with your girls and talk to them about Clara and have a good cry together. Massive hun. RIP Clara.
Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Clara, no words can take away the pain you feel....I wish it could...
Give your friends time, they probably think you may need your space and they may not know what to say to you, some of our friends were the same when we lost our son Riley.
The numb feeling will gradually ease but i don't think it completely goes, i think you learn to live with it.
You will know in your heart when the time comes to try again.
I hope i have made sense, I don't tend to write well.
Be kind to yourself, Fly free little one and watch over your beautiful mummy.
I'm struggling to find the right words to try to offer some comfort. I can't imagine the kind of pain you must be experiencing. I have suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks, and that was hard enough.
My heart breaks for you, and for your family. I don't have any answers, except do what you need to do to get through. If you need to cry, cry. The grieving process is a long and lonely one, I know this much. It helped me to build a memorial garden, and I wear a ring with my baby's birthstone which my mother bought for me. We're all different though, and I hope you can find a way to remember your precious girl.
I admire your courage in wanting to try again, you must be a very strong woman. As for your friends, this is a tricky one. In my experience, some friends will be your rock, others will drift away. I know it hurts, but the ones who don't call are most likely staying away for fear of saying the wrong thing. It doesn't help, but I believe they mean well. Most people do. My advice is to hold onto the ones who have the courage to support you, they will get you through.
Just remember you always have a safe place here to share with other women who understand. We are all here with you to support you in your time of need. Lean on us.
Lots of love to you, and HUGE hugs. I am so so sorry this happened. I wish I could take away your hurt.
I am so very sorry to read of the loss of your precious daughter Clara. I know it will be hard to believe right now, but it will get easier. The feelings towards other people are perfectly normal. I too shied away from any pregnant friends for a period after my losses. Partly to spare them but mostly to spare me - none of them had suffered a loss and I couldn't stand being around their naivety. I so wished I could go back to that naive,safe world.
I have experienced loss through a cord accident. No one can guarantee that this won't happen again, but as we all know, there are no guarnatees in life. All I can offer is that if you want to try again, take the the chance. I think you will find it worth it.
In the meantime, just know that everyone here understands and will be around to help you through this time and the times to come (you will be bound to have worries and concerns if you decide to try again).
Big hugs to you and your family,
Thank you all for your responses. It is awful to know that there are so many people that have lost babies, but I comforted by your support and what you have learned from the experiences you have had.
I needed to hear it today especially. Thanks.
Dolphin_girl, I'm so sorry darling Clara is such a beautiful name, RIP little angel.
I agree with the others hun, some people appear like they don't care, but in reality they don't know how to deal with something they have never experienced. You'll find people coming out of woodwork though, they are the ones that might share their experiences with you, having lost a baby too. I lost my little son Joshua in 2008 at 21 weeks, and I was a zombie for weeks. Most of my close friends were wonderful, a few offered no support, my own brother has still to this day not acknowledged my loss. We are not very close but my psychologist said that he just does not know who to deal with me & my feelings. Then there was a couple of people at work (and even a few of my customers who I talked on the phone regularly) who told me of their own losses, and I was amazed how many people go through such tragedy.
Personally, I started seeing a psychologist and eventually went to a support group meeting to help me cope with my grief. Both have helped enormously. When you are ready to try again, there is a wonderful group of women here on BB who will understand your fears/worries, it is perfectly normal. It took me 9 months to try for another baby, but even when the time came, I was petrified. I don't think I will ever be over losing Joshua, but I have learned to live with my loss, and I love when people bring him up in converstaion. He lived here on earh in my belly, he was here!! I was so afraid of history repeating itself, but unfortunately, if you don't take the plunge, and you want another child, it just won't happen. I am not sure about how risky a cord accident is in subsequent pg, but I can't imagine it too high.
GL hun, I'm sending you many hugs and love and peace.
Im not sure what to say, maybe i would fall in to that group of friends who wouldnt call, but it wouldnt be becasue i didnt care, i have never experiance loss like you have, my heart breaks for you and i just wouldnt know what to say to you IRL. I think many who havent really got any idea what you going through would feel like that. Im sure you are in thier thoughts. you will be in mine all day!
Welcome to BB, i know you will find some beautiful women here to help you!!! hugs to you and your family! xx
I read your messages and I felt I really had to reach out to you.
We seem to have a bit in common. I am new to this forum,
and both of us have lost our baby girls both named Clara in Jan 2010.
My Clara passed away on the 25th Jan at 8 weeks of age due to a heart defect, having spent her whole life in intensive care. Its been very difficult, so I can understand a bit of your pain. I'm not very good with words, but I will definitely now be thinking of you and your family.
I am so sorry about to read about Clara and about the guilt you are going through and I have tears running down my face as I read your words and think of how I can reply in a way to help you find a small amount of comfort.
My little boy had a healthy heartbeat of 160bpm when my body gave out due to a blood disorder and I experienced placenta praevia and placenta abruptio. For many months afterwards I blamed myself for his loss and I spent days and nights crying and telling my husband it was my fault. It took reaching breaking point for me to understand that it wasn't my falut and accept it was something out of my control.
The mystery of childbirth is, for all the advances in childbirth, still a mystery in so many ways. You can not control what is happening in your body and it was not your fault. Think instead of the times you touched Clara and sang to her and put your hand in front of your stomach instinctively to cuddle her. Think of when she went to sleep knowing that she was truly and thoroughly loved.
Dolphin_girl, the grief is very hard and my only words of comfort is that though it may not seem like it now, you will come out of the dark and smile again and when you do you will feel Clara by your side. The fog will lift and though you probably feel like you are wandering around in the dark, cry when you need to cry but don't be afraid to smile or laugh because Clara will be smiling with you. Please grieve as you need to but try very hard not to include guilt in your emotion as this is beyond yours and medical science control.
Also, if you feel you need to, see a high risk ob/gyn for post natal consults and they can also suggest excellent pregnancy grief counsellors (I am suggesting both of these to you as I had never heard of high risk obstetric specialists).
My heart is with you and please take care and take one day at a time.
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