Dolphin_girl,

I am so sorry about to read about Clara and about the guilt you are going through and I have tears running down my face as I read your words and think of how I can reply in a way to help you find a small amount of comfort.

My little boy had a healthy heartbeat of 160bpm when my body gave out due to a blood disorder and I experienced placenta praevia and placenta abruptio. For many months afterwards I blamed myself for his loss and I spent days and nights crying and telling my husband it was my fault. It took reaching breaking point for me to understand that it wasn't my falut and accept it was something out of my control.

The mystery of childbirth is, for all the advances in childbirth, still a mystery in so many ways. You can not control what is happening in your body and it was not your fault. Think instead of the times you touched Clara and sang to her and put your hand in front of your stomach instinctively to cuddle her. Think of when she went to sleep knowing that she was truly and thoroughly loved.

Dolphin_girl, the grief is very hard and my only words of comfort is that though it may not seem like it now, you will come out of the dark and smile again and when you do you will feel Clara by your side. The fog will lift and though you probably feel like you are wandering around in the dark, cry when you need to cry but don't be afraid to smile or laugh because Clara will be smiling with you. Please grieve as you need to but try very hard not to include guilt in your emotion as this is beyond yours and medical science control.

Also, if you feel you need to, see a high risk ob/gyn for post natal consults and they can also suggest excellent pregnancy grief counsellors (I am suggesting both of these to you as I had never heard of high risk obstetric specialists).

My heart is with you and please take care and take one day at a time.

xx