Learning how to stop being impulsive...

[C~Q]

Me again!

I've figured out that one of my main problems...or issues is that I tecd to do things because in the moment they feel good. But afterwards...not so much.

I tell myself I won't do something, and then when the oppertunity presents itself I immediately think "but that'll be fun, I want to do it, stuff it i'll do it".

i think my life would be a lot sensibler (lol) if I could gain the ability to say in my head "no, thats not in your best interests in the long run".

So does anyone else do this? Any ideas how to sto myself from doing it?

Anything would help!

TIA x

[Teeki]

Oh we do this all the time! With buying stuff. We've bought a few cars on impulse, and if we go somewhere for a day (to the city, visit in-laws or whatever), it just doesn't feel right if we haven't bought something. Usually something we don't exactly need, and isn't exactly cheap...

Sorry, I don't have any advice as I haven't overcome it either! If you discover the secret let me know lol

[Lulu]

Just don't do it.

I don't think there is more to it. If you really have a problem, if it's one thing in particular then don't put yourself in the situation that you will have to make the decision.

[Teeki]

Just don't do it.

I don't think there is more to it. If you really have a problem, if it's one thing in particular then don't put yourself in the situation that you will have to make the decision.

Good point. We've found that when we're off to see in-laws or go to the city, if we know exactly what we're going for and avoid everything else it's easier. We still want to buy something, but can avoid it. Also if you take more time to consider if you *really* need or want to do something, you might decide don't actually need/want it

[C~Q]

I Don't know if its as simple as that. It's not one thing, it's pretty much me and my nature. I just don't want to be that person anymore, I want to be sensible and be able to stand back and think about how things effect my future, not just that moment.

[Tinks]

Also if you take more time to consider if you *really* need or want to do something, you might decide don't actually need/want it

This is a good point.

Before you do something impulsive think about whether it's something you 'need' to do as opposed to 'want' to do. If it's something you need, go for it. If it's a want, think twice.

[Enchanted]

I can be a bit of a shocker for this. I try and work off the method of... If you see something and like it, walk away and leave it. If you still really want/need it the next day go back and get it. Usually stops me!

[C~Q]

It's not really "things" like purchases i'm talking about though...more like situations iykwim??

[thepixie]

Maybe you have to think a bit further ahead - think "sure it will be fun at the time, but how will I feel in the morning, next week or next month" and really try to imagine that bad feeling when you have given into the impulse IYKWIM? Like getting drunk - fun at the time but think of the hangover if that analogy works for you.

[Inanna]

I understand what you're saying CQ & I don't think it's as easy as not doing it.
Impulsivity is a symptom of a number of bigger "issues"... Most noteably ADHD & ASD.
If it was as simple as not doing it then we'd all be fabbo people! Firstly don't be beating yourself up. You've identified something that's an issue in your life - something that many people never do. So that's a great start.
Think about if there are particular areas that you are more likely to be impuslive or is it across the board?
Seek out some professional help as there are cognitive therapies that can help & if it is a case of ther ebeing other issues sometimes meds can help. (for ADHD etc).
It's not unheard of for people to go through their whole lives until adulthood and not realise there are some special areas that need help (like adhd)
I certainly am not suggesting that this is the problem - just that it is among the possibilities. Don't discount anything. You are a thinker, you spend time looking at how you fit in the world. That is a brilliant thing - good on you.
I hope you can get some answers.

[ladybird11]

I think that sort of 'sensible' thinking is seriously drilled into my head due to my full time job. Police are 'always' on duty - and if for instance, if my next door neighbour knew that me and DH are Police and they aren't happy with e.g. a party we may be having outside - when they complain (to the police ON duty) we can get in more strife than if anyone else was to do the same thing. (Hence the reason we hide our uniform and never hang it up outside or in view of others).

I don't have the freedom to say and do half the things I'd like due to my role in a large, para-military organisation, which, if word got out that I said something 'unprofessional' or didn't do something right, it'll come back to bite me in the butt. Like if I didn't do all things necessary in attendance at a crash scene I could end up being drilled in court, or worse yet, Coroner's court.

A part of that strict thinking does follow me into my personal life to an extent, and I find myself wishing I could have more freedom to say and do things off the cuff every now and then. I always have to think 'whats the worse thing that could happen' and / or 'is there any chance this could have a negative impact on me at work'....I'm sure that could be relayed to fit most situations?

[Lulu]

Actually I am one of the most impulsive people on the planet. Lots of times it has served me very well, so I don't always see it as a bad thing.

But I do think it is as simple as that. Just don't do it. If it's a matter of getting drunk and shagging someone you shouldn't (for eg) think about it before you go out. Don't drink too much and wear granny undies for backup. And choose to go home by yourself. Waking up the next morning feeling happier will be the impetus for you to continue making better decisions.

Maybe it's a maturity thing, or maybe you haven't learned your lesson thoroughly enough yet but learning to say no isn't actually that hard so next time you are in the moment - walk away. Just try it properly once and you won't look back.

[nickle730]

I think it's important to recognise that there is a difference between impulsivity and addiction. I believe that we can learn better impulse control through practise as Lulu suggests, but addiction is a lot harder to deal with and may require counseling and the kind of cognitive therapy Inanna mentions.

I have been aware for a long time that I have poor impulse control and an addictive personality. I have struggled over my life with various addictive behaviours. I avoid situations where I may be tempted to 'give in' to my impulses. I also sabotage myself ahead of time so that even if I can't prevent the behaviours mentally at the time I am exposed to the 'trigger', I am unable to act in a practical sense. Think of Lulu's granny knickers for the sex addict or leaving cash at home for the gambler or the compulsive shopper.

The difficult thing is that a true addict will convince themselves that they are in control and not their addiction. I am an expert at self justification. I tell myself I 'deserve' whatever it is I want because of A, B or C and I convince myself that I will only indulge in a small amount. 'Just one drink', 'just a small piece of cake'... whatever the addiction is for you. Of course, once I start I think 'well, I'm in this deep, I can't stop now'. IF I think at all! Sometimes an addiction is hypnotic and the addict just doesn't think at all - until the big comedown when you start to feel like absolute crap for whatever you have done. 'Where did all those bags come from?? And how will I pay the bills??!!'

I now have the maturity to recognise my own self destructive behaviours - but I do understand that controlling them can be a battle, even if you logically know that is what you need to do.

[C~Q]

It's pretty much accross the board, whether it is spending money, going out, chucking a sickie, dancing in silly heels when I know it'll hurt my leg. I just find it so hard to look a the bigger picture. Just googled ADHD in adults and what i've read is pretty accurate, thats scary

I think a big part of it for me is an urge for self destruction...it's hard to explain I don't mean wanting to hurt myself but in a way, inadvertantly not caring if I do...does that make sense? Wow, this is all leaping up into my head now. In the past, the anorexia, I also had a thing...similar where I wouldn't drink water (this makes no sense) i'd be thirsty but because I knew I had to drink water I wouldn't want to do it (sounds ****ed up I know). Also I know that I put things off, things that I love. Like my job, i'll have two/three weeks to learn my choreography and I will always, always leave it till a day or two before and my classes/launches suffer because of it. I know I do it, I know it's terrible but in my head I say "the situation is not now, so right now I don't care". I hate that about myself. Almost like i'm sabataging myself. Another example, going on holiday I won't do the washing so I can take the clothes I want...because I think i'll figure it out int he end, I almost want to put myself in a situation where it makes my life more difficult. What the hell is going on with that???

I don't think I have an addctive personality...i'm very good at using mental will power to pull myself out of things but I have to be really ready to do that IYKWIM? I can't do it if i['m not ready. But I do think I have an obsessive personality...like if I have a new book or tv series then i'll watch or rea dtill it's finished and anything that gets in the way of that ****es me off...in a really unproportional (is that a word?) way.

Sorry guys, I really value what you're saying and a lot of this helps by me just putting down and making sense of whats in my head x

[Lulu]

aHHH - aren't you like me!!

You need crisis point as a catalyst. I used to view it as "working best under pressure"....so I would leave things to pressure point before I could/would do anything. Then run around like a mad thing and get it all done.

But then I got sick of a half-assed job, I got sick of my own slackness and changed things about. I was hopeless with housework. It takes so little (literally 20 mins a day) for me to keep on top of it....but no. I wait until it's abominable, then spring into action.
You know what changed that for me? Living with 2 separate anal retentive tidy types. Honestly, it's like I need an adult around half the time *eye roll. However it proves to me I can do it and I end up developing a better habit than relying on crisis point.

I was also similar to you in other areas. I ended up telling myself "I won't do it THIS time". It really helped and the high I would get from being a Big Girl...well it was great but I often felt like a dork because it was actually pretty easy in the end. I changed the "payoff" from crisis situation to "job well done" or "less stress".

I think you could make a difference if you try harder though. Pick ONE thing for the week.

[C~Q]

Thanks Lu, I think you're right because I feel good if I make a decision that I will NOT do something, I feel great...then someone asks me to do it and I go "ok" and it all goes to ****. But I know that if I didn't say ok, then I would feel even better. Infact I did something like that yesterday and I did feel better

You're also right about the underpressure thing. It's why I don't make lunches until the morning then in the morning I get in the zone and do it quickly BUT it would make the mornings a lot less stressfull if I did do it the night before...but I don't.

Same with the house work. It's currently trashed Even down to sticky marks on the floor...it needs to be done, but i'll always leave it till it gets to this point and then do a massive clean....and then say i'm going to keep it up...but never do.

Think i'm going to go inside myslef a bit...just chill out and reflect and have some "me" time...I tend to hate being by myself and always try and be busy...think I need some solitude for a while x

[Lulu]

oooohhh no you don't! Geeze you are a slippery little sucker - you are doing it again already

The last thing you need is more bloody navel gazing...and telling yourself you need "me time". You need to go wipe the sticky marks off the floor FIRST.

You are just really good at avoiding doing the boring and mundane. Did you see Allie's blog post about CLEANING ALL THE THINGS?

It's boring, repetitive but has to be done. Over and overandoverandoverandoverandover...you get the drift. You hate being by yourself cos that's housework time and ya don't wanna. If you are by yourself you start thinking of all the things you are supposed to do, then start hating yourself for not doing it...the list of THINGS get so big it's overwhelming so you go to the pub instead. Feel me?

So - get off here and go make some sandwiches for lunch tomorrow. THEN chill out. That should take you 15 mins max. You have to eat your vegies BEFORE you have dessert right? So CLEAN THE THINGS first, then chill out.

The payoff is you truly will be chilling out instead of feeling crap about not CLEANING THE THINGS.

Sermon over.

[C~Q]

Lol thanks Lu, can I start the cleaning tomorrow though? But I WILL make the sandwiches tonight, I promise!

At least i'll stop spending now the next few months of work are looking shaky...thats a start I guess. And less going out to save money means less time out on the booze and doing reckless things like going to the casino or spending $60 on a cab instead of getting the bus. And/or possibly snogging the wrong bloke