My 15yr old sister has moved in and i need HELP

[Cocolove]

So my sister got kicked out of school and mum couldnt handle her so ive taken her in, shes 15 and is starting year 9 (repeating) on monday here at the local Tech school shes 4 hours from home!

Shes lazy, she's messy, she thinks everythings a joke, she follows me around, she sits on facebook on her phone all day even if we are out shes on the phone, Im going insane my house is chaos I hate mess HATE HATE HATE mess and she will leave a dirty plate, rubbish, mugs, open bottles of water (the JB finds and spills) I need help I need to know what I should expect of her, should I write up a chore chart or something, Im lost im new to the teenager thing

Please HELP!!

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I think maybe a good chat and explaining your there for her and offering her a second chance, you don't expect her to move in and be a babysitter or a cleaner BUT at her age there are certain things she should be able to do for herself and to help you out a bit.

1. Stack dishes and tidy up after herself in the kitchen
2. Keep her room clean (i'm sure your girls do this and they are a lot younger)
3. Set a couple of BASIC chores for her to do - dishes, maybe sweep the floor or something.
4. No Phone at school, no phone in public (ie at friends houses or at dinner etc), 1hr games/fb time on phone at night (or more if you agree)

I know your her sister and not her mum but it's YOUR house, you have your own kids to look after and your doing her a favor taking her in.. she needs to recognise she is NOT a child and she has some responsibility too.
I think a good chat with her though on what you expect is a good place to start.

[Cocolove]

Thanks ZF
Montana manages to keep her little room clean but they always leave clothes all over the house coz they are too lazy to walk to the laundry or put the, away they have just been told if I find anymore clothes around ill limit their wardrobe to 1 pr of shorts 1pr of jeans 1 top and one jumper!

[Fleur]

Ahh teenagers. Fun much?

Good on you for giving her a place

As ZF said, it's a good idea to sit down & talk with her. I'm not sure how receptive she is, but try explaining how it makes you feel when she leaves stuff lying around etc. Try not to go overboard...pick a few of the WORST things, or keep it simple.

My teenage DD hates it when I make statements like 'you always...' (even when it's true, lol) so I try to keep it as accurate as possible - 'I feel like you do X a lot, and it frustrates me becuase I am trying to keep things tidy'
and that helps keep her form becoming too defensive. If she feels like I'm attacking her she just closes up & nothing I say gets through.

If you can, offer her a trade - you expect A,B,C and she can have / get / do X,Y,Z. It doesn't have to be monetary - it might be as basic as, if she picks up her washing then you will do it with the rest of the family's washing. If she leaves it lying around, then she has to look after it.
Get her to enter into an agreement with you on it, and get her to verbalise it - 'I will....' You might have to do the same. My teenagers both are really big on fairness. You cannot ask for more than you expect.

Most of all be patient, it will take time for things to change. She's following you around all day... she sounds lost Give her firm boundaries & a loving safe place, and then time...
Good luck

ETA - just read your last post - consequences are great things. Limiting their wardrobe if they leave clothes lying around is a really appropriate response I think. DS1 has just lost his iPod charger because he continually leaves it hanging out of the computer...he was warned, now it's gone for a week.

[Cocolove]

Thanks Fluer, its so tough to ask things of her, shes come from being constantly yelled at and orderd around to a loving family & Im just scared of nagging at her, mums still nagging at her from 4 hours away telling her how she can & cant cut her hair, IM her carer now is this a fair statement?

She has it really well here, all id like her to do is tidy up after herself and maybe watch the kids for 10min while i go to the supermarket i dont want to overwhelm her and make her feel like a slave I feel I shouldnt have to ask her to tidy her room it should be known, my house has the worst design you have to walk through her & MJ's room to go to the bathroom so that means people are walking through a bit so i just want it tidy.

Is she too young for a chore chart? Is it too much to ask for her to take washing off the line & do the night dishes and clean up after herself, thats all i ask really!

DD1 has lost her iPod touch due to her attitude!

[Jennifer13]

Thanks ZF
Montana manages to keep her little room clean but they always leave clothes all over the house coz they are too lazy to walk to the laundry or put the, away they have just been told if I find anymore clothes around ill limit their wardrobe to 1 pr of shorts 1pr of jeans 1 top and one jumper!

Try sticking a laundry basket in her room and the bathroom where she gets changed. Seriously, for the few dollars they cost from the Reject Shop it's the least stressful solution! I did this with DP who with clothes was exactly the same.

[Cocolove]

There is a basket in the bathroom which is right next to her room! Its not just dirty clothes its clothes shes asked to put away, clothes she takes off just coz she wants to get changed etc..

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Is she too young for a chore chart? Is it too much to ask for her to take washing off the line & do the night dishes and clean up after herself, thats all i ask really!

Hell no, at her age i was doing a LOT more.. cooking tea, dishes, chopping wood, washing ,vacing.. i was doign LOTS.
DD1 is 2 and she already helps make her own bed, we get her to help put her toys away and she helps vac.. it's not forced and i know THIS TO SHALL PASS but if she can do it at 2 then a 15yr old can manage.. stay strong babe, your an amazing mum and a wonderful sister.

[Mak]

How long has she been with you? I would err on the side of caution and go gently with her. So perhaps just gently chat to her about the room needing to be accessed and give her some easy options to plonk stuff on/behind.
Moving out of home cos you have no options there anymore would be rough no matter how your behaviour has prompted it so I think she is probably after some reassurance that she has a place with you (and probably still with your mum etc). I realise you need to have things function but it may take some time to get your groove going together too. Is there any chance of tapping into some counselling for her (and you) to give you both some time to debrief and discuss your strategies with someone neutral? You both will need some neutral support so you can talk with out filtering your concerns/needs. I know it may sound OTT but she is still very young and you are her sister so renegotiating those boundaries will be difficult.
Does school have any options to support her? It is a tricky age to establish yourself again especially if you are feeling a bit lost anyway.
She is lucky to have you.

[Fleur]

shes come from being constantly yelled at and orderd around to a loving family & Im just scared of nagging at her,

Don't be afraid to set boundaries & rules though. You can still do this lovingly.

Kids / teenagers need some boundaries, it gives them a safe space to be in and also gives them something to push against - that might sound silly but I am a strong believer that it is teenage nature to test boundaries & see how far the rules will stretch, and it is better for everyone if those guidlines are there. If you draw a 1msquare, they will go to 1.5m. If you go to 2m, they will go to 3. But if there are no rules at all, there are no limits & they will feel lost. Does that make sense?

Rules need to be consistent though, and fair. And maybe inviting her input will help. See what she thinks is fair & reasonable. I read something once, by a parent who allowed his teen to choose his own punishments. They were usually more severe than what the parent themselves would have chosen. Likewise you might find that if she has input into her chores she's more inclined to do them.
No, she is absolutely not too young for a chore chart.
Also it's ok to cater for likes & dislikes IMO. My DD1 hates the dishes, DS1 hates hanging washing. Chores are often alloted with this in mind.

As for the hair cut, that's betwen you & your mum. Your mother might feel that she is still the mother & should have a say in these kind of things?
My personal opinion is that by 15 (in fact for us, it was 13) they are more or less able to make their own choices about hair. It is such a big form of self-expression, and much less permanent than piercings or tattoos. We let them go for it in that area. But like I said, that one is really between you & you rmum - you might need to talk with her too I think & establish exactly what you are responsible for if your sister is living with you.

[Cocolove]

whoops i meant is she too OLD for a chore chart!!

Shes been here permanantly for 2 weeks, she was here 2 weeks in DEC but went home for holidays!

Thanks so much for your help, all of you, I am gonna need as much as I can get!

[Fleur]

Lol. My thought was that if anything she would be too old. But if it's needed then I don't see why you can't use it.

It's another thing I would suss her out on. I know I keep saying to talk to her about it But I feel that she might benefit from having some input into things, and it might make her much more receptive to it. It's harder to argue about doing the dishes when you have agreed that it's fair, or even better, when you've chosen that particular chore.

We had a deal struck here the other week that DS1 would do the kitchen jobs & DD1 would do the bathroom & washing jobs. It has worked in her favour so far, she keeps putting it off - but last night I was able to say to her 'this isn't fair, you agreed to this, time to pick your act up' - and she went & tidied & cleaned the entire bathroom. So that was a win

[Jennifer13]

There is a basket in the bathroom which is right next to her room! Its not just dirty clothes its clothes shes asked to put away, clothes she takes off just coz she wants to get changed etc..

Yeah I know, but with DP even that didn't work and he's an adult! I just put a wash basket right in the same space where he'd get changed. Eventually he got into the habit and went looking for one and now I have three spare baskets in the laundry.

Sounds like you're doing wonderfully with her and this is a settling in period. Good luck while you figure it all out.

[mrscricket]

RD - I moved in with my two older sisters at age 15, and while the situation was a bit different - they were 19 and 23 at the time with no children- there was some similar situations to what you are going through. I found things got really tense really quickly because I *was* 15 and did nothing around the house at all . I had no concept of what it was like to work all day (or look after kids etc) and then come home to a teenager who'd gotten home from school and spent the last 3 hours laying on the couch (or in this day and age, on the internet, FB etc). We quickly had to sit down and sort out a system which worked for us all. They were the same as you, they understood that I was only a teenager and needed to be afforded some leeway, but I also needed to learn to help. The best system that worked for us was particular jobs were written on the whiteboard for me to do that week - such as take out the bins, vacuum, bring in any dry washing - and I had to do those jobs during the week. They would also occasionally ask me to peel vegies for tea etc. It was nothing massive, so I couldn't even use the 'I've got homework' excuse and it was never more than friends who still lived at home did.
I was hopeless at leaving clothes all over the place and was told repeatedly to pick them
up - which I didn't. Then it got to the point where I was told I was responsible for my own washing - cue drama when I ran out of clean clothes. I also remember an eposide where I didn't hang out my wet washing after being told, so my sisters left it in the washing basket.. Wet jeans in a hot laundry for a week = mould . Yes , I learnt my lesson there!

Looking back I felt that I really did need some form of routine and guidance and felt so much more stable when we had it. And yes, there was times when it was World War 3 - we were sisters after all, but other times it was great. They also found that being a teenager, I would bottle things up so they needed to make themselves really accessible to talk too, and look out for signs when I was going to have a typical teenage meltdown.

And now years later, we are best friends and super,super close. And they always laugh their heads off over how obsessive I am with keeping my house clean, and how I love to cook etc . Good luck!

[peanutter]

RD - you're a fabulous sister ... not everyone would let her come live with you, considering you have your own kids to take care of!!!

DH and I used to be foster carers for teenagers, and each kid required different boundaries and obligations ... but some things were non negotiable, including:-

1. there was a chores roster. every kid *and* DH and I all had one chore, every day. when we had two kids, there were 4 chores, when there were 3, there were 5, etc, so that the chart made it obvious that things were shared equally. And then we each had a "big" chore to do over the weekend.

So the daily chores would be feeding the pets, doing the dishes, cooking the dinner (and either DH or I would help out, if they were not used to cooking), and walking the dogs. And when we needed fifth and sixth chores, they would be things like brushing the dogs and cat, or picking up around the TV area, etc.

The "big" weekend chores would be things like vacuuming the house, mopping the floors, doing the bathroom and toilet, etc.

2. We did a lot of things as positive reinforcement. Like, if you come shopping with us and help, then you can pick one non-essential item for up to $5. Or, if you help me sit down and write the shopping list (included going around the house, seeing what we're low on, cleaning out the kitchen and pantry, etc) then you get to help pick what we'll be having for dinners (because the ingredients would go on the list). So by doing that, it effectively taught them how to put together a shopping list, and we could discuss nutrition, budgeting, etc as we did it - without it having to be a "let's sit down and discuss how to budget our grocery shopping ... yay!"

3. Several things were simply expected of them from day one. Eg: you do your own laundry, and your own sheets, end of discussion. I don't clean your knickers, and you don't have to clean mine. Naturally, if they didn't know how to use the washing machine we'd teach them (we actually had little laminated cards by the washing machine and dryer with instructions, which we put up if it became obvious that one of our kids wasn't sure what to do!!). And if they ran out of clothes, then that's just too bad ... occasionally, we'd have kids with really poor hygeine who we had to encourage a bit more, but most kids got with the program pretty quick smart. It was also expected that they keep their room tidy, and that they abided by house rules (very basic - no strangers in the house without permission, curfew, no phones etc at the dinner table, etc ... not many rules though, to keep boundaries clear and strict but simple).

4. We were happy to help, but made sure we weren't doormats. Eg: if someone was at a party which was going awry, or their ride had been drinking, of course we'd go pick them up ... but we weren't a taxi service. Similarly, naturally we'd give them a hand with their homework, or putting together their resume and a cover letter, but absolutely was up to them to do it. We might suggest things to encourage or initiate, but it was completely on them to achieve things.

5. Sounds ridiculous, but with a couple of kids, we actually did a star chart. Yes, they were teenagers, but one had a social dysfunction, and the other was very "young" in a lot of ways. But we found the start chart really worked. It was divided into two parts: responsibilities, and behaviour. Responsibilities was their chores, being home on time, and going to school, and they got a star each day they did these things. Behaviour was basically attitude - were they helpful, polite, nice to the other people at home, kept their temper (ie: if something went wrong or they got angry, did they raise the problem without shouting or name calling - obvioulsy there's nothing bad about getting angry, but throwing things and screaming and punching is not the way we deal!) etc. And it was a merit system - there would be consequences when responsibilities weren't fulfilled, and positive reinforcement when behaviour was good. We don't like the idea of "bribing" for good behaviour, but we found that clear boundaries, examples of what was expected, and consistent messages and reinforcement really helped. But there's no way we would have gone down that path with most of our kids!

6. we also did a "house night" once a week, where there would be a time anyone could raise issues they wanted to discuss as a "family" and we'd plan any outings which were coming up, and then play a boardgame or watch a movie together, etc. Again, I found that they were really great for the kids.

7. with one kid who used to leave his crap all over the house, it got to the point where we said that if it didn't stop, we'd be going through the house once a day at 10pm, and any of his crap that was laying about would be confiscated indefinately. So his cans of lynx on the bathroom sink leaving rusty rings, his comb on the coffee table (yuck!) his belt and t-shirt on the back of the couch, his magazine in the toilet, his huge quantities of STIFF everywheter - they would be gone. An overnight mirrace occured, and we never had to follow through on the threat!!

HTH

[saslia]

This is my stepdaughter's job list for this year - she is 15 1/2 and has moved back to live with us after being with her mum for 2 years.

GEORGIA’S JOB LIST

DO HOMEWORK AND STUDY
Pack schoolbag
Make bed and clean bedroom
Do the dishes (dry or put away)
Help put dirty clothes in basket
Put lunchbox in sink and schoolbag in room
Make lunches and pack lunchboxes for everyone
Help take clothes off the line
Help sort washing
Put own washing away
Make dinner 1 night a week
Have a shower, brush hair & teeth every day
Baby sit as asked (extra $$$)

[Fleur]

I had no concept of what it was like to work all day (or look after kids etc) and then come home to a teenager who'd gotten home from school and spent the last 3 hours laying on the couch (or in this day and age, on the internet, FB etc).

It's a really good point - they don't get it, a lot of the time. I remember what I was like as a teen - I would 'wash' the glasses by leaving them to soak in the sink

[Cocolove]

Thank you guys, going to talk to DH & worko ut a plan, he needs to be on this so im not alone in it & im not the one who looks like the bad guy & he gets to be the fun BIL.

Yesterday she whinged her washing doesnt get done quick enough