I can't stop feeling some huge guilt for DD right now. My EF just left me 5 days before our wedding. After he left me I let him come back three more time and leave in a period of 2 weeks. In my head I have had enough but in my heart I can't stop feeling love for this monster. Truth is EF is a whole hearted sociopath. He lies to my face so much I don't think he has ever been honest. He doesnt care about my emotions or DD's. He is so self centered it is ridiculous. What is worse is that he continually finds new ways to break my heart and I really believe he enjoys it.
So here is why I feel so darn guilty for DD. I am not in it....I hate saying that but it is so true...I want to be that perfect mother I felt I used to be but lately it seems I just sit on the couch and and hate myself. At night I cry myself to sleep. I know DD is only 18 months but I know she knows what is going on. Whenever EF see's her he puts on this huge show like he is the worlds greatest father but he is not. He sees her maybe a total of 5 huors during the week and that is it. He left me with no job ( I was a SAHM) and a 12 month lease and all of the bills.
I do not know how to move on...I do not know how to even accept the thought of another man in my life. Mostly I dont know how to be there for DD...
Jess- I think you need to go and speak to someone hun. Someone who will be able to help you process how you are feeling, but also give you the tools to be able to see that this is an extremely toxic relationship, that is not good for either your DD or yourself. Sometimes we need help to be able to move on. Although we can see its a crappy situation and we know it's not healthy the actual process of fixing it seems to hard to attain. You will get there, I think your just going to need a bit of help in doing so.
oh Jess, You have been through such a big shock, I'm it's going to take a while to get over and even think about what lies in store for the future. all you do know, Is that you have a beautiful little girl who needs her mum, and although you of course need time out to grieve you also need to remember to put a smile ( however fake it may be at the moment) on your face so that your DD knows everything is going to be ok.
eventually you will realise you are smiling for real and the pain will subside
heres something that always helps me
The Man Who Makes You Cry Isn't Worth Your Tears.... and the One Who Is worth your Tears, Will Never make You Cry......
I agree you need counselling. You've had your whole world turned upside down. You've been lied to, betrayed and left at the altar twice. Girl, I'd be surprised if you can get out of bed everyday. Dont be hard on yourself. This will take alot of time to process. You need help to get through it.
Right now I bet you're beating yourself up, questioning your judgement. How could you be so wrong about someone etc. This is normal in any break up. It's a pity you have to have anything to do with him at all. Seeing him will just reinforce the pain. Especially if he gets off on you being hurt. Is there anyway your parents or someone could coordinate his access to your DD? Or maybe go through a government agency?
As for your DD, she'll survive. Do the best you can and pick up the slack later when you're up to it. If she's warm, fed and getting cuddles, tgen she'll cope. Dont beat yourself up about that. Wrt anotger man, give yourself loads of time. Learn to live with and love yourself so you dont need a man. When you're strong enough to stand on your own 2 feet is when you can make a good choice. Otherwise, you're likely to go from one idiot to another so you dont feel lonely. It happens all the time. Dont be that woman who cant live without a man. You end up making too many compromises to your self-worth that way.
Get help. Know this will take time. Give yourself 12 months to start with of just working on yourself. Try to avoid the knob as much as possible. Right now ypu're needy as hell. That's fine, just dont go acting on it.
I once found a website dedicated to partners of narcisists. Google it. I think you'll find it insightful. Try not to beat yourself up about your mistakes. People like that are very good at sucking others in. They love the power and pain they can inflict. You're not alone.
Tashy- Your advice was amazing and brought a smile to my face. I am currently in counseling and it is helping. I agree that I need to love myself first. I have always been in relationships since I was old enough to start. I want to be a good role model to DD and show EF has no longer has any rein on me...
Jess- Im so sorry this happened to you and your DD. EF seriously needs a whack up the side of the head. I hope the councilling is helping you, and just be gentle with yourself hun, you've been through so much. Don't stress about DD, she will cope hun, and she will not be damaged from this. You have to concerntrate on yourself for a little while
Anyway, i just wanted to say how sorry i was It's just so horrible. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Hon, Tashybabe hit the nail on the head, and I'm glad you're getting some counselling to help you through. Definitely work on you getting yourself right - for your own self and for your beautiful girl. Don't rush headlong into another relationship, no matter how lonely you feel - take time to get to know yourself again, to be the strong amazing wonderful woman we know you are.
Later, when you're ready, you will be able to go into another partnership with your eyes wide open and the knowledge that you are strong, you are wise and that you are worthy of true, generous love.
And being ok is a journey. All journeys start by taking that very first step, sure you will fall down some, scrape your knees but always, always get back up and keep on taking that next step.
BellyBelly Life Member - Love all your MCN friends
Jun 2004
The Festival State
3,008
hi Jessica, i'm sorry you're going thru such a rotten patch.
I can relate to some of what you write, i left a toxic r'ship late last year, so hard to do.
Coping with the new life as a single mother, it's felt like a whirlwind, and it's huge, you have so much responsibility, at the precise time you feel like your world is collapsing around you.
I think i had to be so strong, at the actual "moving out, setting up new place, loads of things going wrong" time, now that things are settling down, i am going to pieces too, not feeling like i'm "being there" for my DD (who is 4).
It's really boring for her, when ALL i have energy to do, is sit on the couch and watch too much tv. She wants to do normal things like get taken to playgrounds, play catch and ride her bike. I'm not up to that and get the guilts really bad about it.
When she sees her dad, he acts like Father of the YEar too, but pays zero Child Support. so i relate to your post. i was proposed to, but he never even filled out the Wedding registration forms, so we never got married. I think he just proposed cos he knew getting married, was important to me.
The whole r'ship was a series of unkept promises. Saying YES really fast, but not making any plans to carry through with the promises.
it's horrible being lied to especially by the person you thought you would love forever and grow old with
you're right, even babies pick up on their mother's feelings and state of mind. babies understand things long before they can talk. but they also accept you, love you and give you the most loving of smiles. when you feel your darkest, their smiles can lift you up.
Last edited by Gigi; February 28th, 2011 at 10:56 PM.
: the formatting all disappeared on me
DD's father is a sociopath
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