Do you/can you hold grudges?

[Phteven]

Are you someone who holds grudges or do you let go easily?

Is it something that you can learn?

I have always been hopeless at holding grudges. Someone makes me angry (really, really angry) and I decide that's it! I'll never forgive them, I'll never be nice to them again and I'll bide my time and get my revenge. 10 minutes later I'll still be trying to hold the rage and 20 minutes later despite all my intentions I'll be ready to make-up

I used to think it was a good thing but it's occurred to me that people kind of take advantage of this, especially DH, he knows I can't stay ****ed for long so he knows that if he does something wrong that all will be forgiven after the initial explosion. DH is the opposite - he holds a grudge forever.

Can you learn to hold a grudge? I've noticed that lately I do stay grumpier longer (like a whole day sometimes) and I'm wondering if DH's grudge bearing abilities are rubbing off on me.

I have no idea if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Yes, I'm generally a happy person because I can forgive but maybe if I was better at maintaining the rage I would be better at being assertive.

*shrug*

I dunno..... what are your thoughts on grudges & forgiveness? What is the happy medium? Should I work on my ability to stay cross?

[Muffy]

I cant hold a grudge either!

[Catastrophic]

I can, but it does depend on the situation, with OH he knows that I can't stay pi**ed for long, but when it comes to the MIL I will never talk to her or forgive her for as long as I am breathing...

Love MN ;-)

[Arimeh]

Depends what it is. If its just DH being stupid and pi$$ing me off, then I get over it pretty quick.

If its a friend or online saying something that offends me, I move on pretty quick from it.

If it was something done to me, or someone abusing my friendship - I don't hold a grudge, but I don't hold any respect for them, and therefore will have nothing to do with them. I harbour no anger towards them, its more like indifference I suppose.

If its something done to my children - I'll rip their friggin head off. Then they'll probably hold a grudge against me!

[Astrolady]

Yeah I think it depends on the situation with me as well. I can forgive someone and remain friends etc with them but it doesn't mean I will forget

[Muffy]

Depends what it is. If its just DH being stupid and pi$$ing me off, then I get over it pretty quick.

If its a friend or online saying something that offends me, I move on pretty quick from it.

If it was something done to me, or someone abusing my friendship - I don't hold a grudge, but I don't hold any respect for them, and therefore will have nothing to do with them. I harbour no anger towards them, its more like indifference I suppose.

If its something done to my children - I'll rip their friggin head off. Then they'll probably hold a grudge against me!

yeah that!!

[*Belle*]

Nope, my dad used to hold grudges for a long long time, and I made a pact with mum and my bro that we should never do that after he passed away.

The only grudge I have held was with my dad's bro who didnt speak to my dad for years before he died due to my grandmothers estate, when dad got sick with cancer he didnt want us to tell his brother so we called him only after dad died. It was very hard to see him and talk to him after how much he hurt my dad.

[Astrid]

I tend to hold fewer grudges these days. My emotional well has many drains on it these days and holding grudges required emotional energy.

These days I don't exactly forgive and forget. I just move on. There are times when I will remember that something made me quite angry, but if there is nothing I can do I just move on after (of course after having a little grumble).

There are some people I will never forgive for past actions, but these people are no longer in my life.

[sloane]

i get angry/fired up quickly but have trouble staying that way. i tend to get over it quickly. i don't really hold grudges but keep in mind what a friend told me once after i got well & truly burnt by a friend - look for the best in people (friends) but know their worst.

[buffy1]

Same here sloane.

I'm a wuss when it comes to confrontation though, I hate it and always end up apologising first so we can move on.

It takes so much energy to maintain anger. Life's too short for grudges IMO.

[Catastrophic]

I can, but it does depend on the situation, with OH he knows that I can't stay pi**ed for long, but when it comes to the MIL I will never talk to her or forgive her for as long as I am breathing...

Love MN ;-)

I thought I would clarify this a little more, since I wrote it quickly before dinner. If it's something little, I'll forgive quite easily,

it also depends on the relationship between the person to, someone that I am very close to if they really hurt me I would be more upset, but more likely to forgive (situation depending), but if it was someone that I wasn't close to it properly wouldn't bother me as much, but I would hold a bigger grudge?!? it would be easier to end the friendship.

The only grudge I have ever kept is the one with my MiL (going on 1.5yrs), she put my kids in danger, and like I said, I would never forgive her, I don't think I ever could.

I see a bigger 'problem' if my kids are involved. If it's just to do with me, I would be more forgiving.

Love MN ;-)

[indie24]

When I was younger I held grudges for ages (ok try years) but I find as I get older I tend to let go. Now I just let go. Its not worth the effort.

[*Twinkle*]

Depends on who and why. I don't tend to hold grudges per say, more that I will never forget if someone has wronged me.

[Fleur]

I don't... sometimes I wish I could stay angry longer!

There have been times where I have had to actively work on letting go of anger, and forgiving. Some really big things that were hard to get over... and I did, so I guess if I can forgive those thins, I don't sweat the small stuff
Often, for me I have found that eventually I am expending more energy on being angry, than it would take to forgive and move on.
Sometimes though I want to still be angry. I've tried to figure it out.. not sure but I think it might be that, anger is the emotion that drives me to express my feelings & have them validated. So if for example DH does something that really ****es me off, I need to be angry for it to be worth the effort to discuss it with him. Does that make sense? Once I've gotten over it the whole discussion just seems like a lot of work

I do take a lesson from it though. As example....someone I work with has burned me a few times. We are civil to each other, even nice; I just couldn't be bothered being nasty to eachother.... but i wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

[Sopdet]

I don't hold grudges, per se, but if you do something and I loose respect for you, then I have no time for you ever in my life again.

With a couple of my xps, I should hold grudges, but honestly, I'm way further along on my life from when I was with them to even bother about holding a grudge, I have no respect for them and in some cases their families. To some, they believe I should hold a grudge, but it isn't in my emotional well-being to hold on to that negative emotion. It has taken a LONG time for me to get to this place in my life, a lot of hard work, tears, frustration, illness, but I am glad I am now where I am and not the person I was when it was easy to hold a grudge, and hold it for a very long time.

[Just Me]

No, I'm am not good at holding grudges in the wanting revenge kind of way. At times, people's behaviour means that I am more wary of them but that is usually if I don't understand their behaviour/response and it seems inappropriate.

The times when I have gotten angry and decided that's it, I won't have anything to do with them etc etc ... I usually do a backflip in my feelings once I start to see things more from their side. Most of the time, when someone offends me, it wasn't what they set out to do. I believe most people make poor behaviour choices for a reason - there is usually more to it. I don't think most people go about with ill intentions towards other people ...

Having said all that, we don't have anything to do with my PIL. I am not holding a grudge though - I feel terrible that it has come to this. We did give them the benefit of the doubt for a long long time and tried to see their reasons. In the end it was because they really just didn't care about us and it was hard to accept that. We don't have anything to do with them because it is too stressful and harmful to us though they see that we are punishing them and taking revenge. We are not trying to get revenge, we are just trying to protect ourselves. I wish them no harm and I desperately wish it could have all worked out so differently.

Actually, I read an interesting book a few years ago called 'Total Forgiveness' and it made some interesting points about forgiving other people. One of the things it said, was that when someone hurts us, we try to punish them by talking to others about them. We try to make other people see that person the same way that we see them - lowering their reputation in the eyes of others. I was shocked to see it articulated in a book because until that point, I hadn't realised how much I did that to 'punish' people who have upset me.

It says forgiveness is letting go of a debt that someone has to you emotionally. Letting go of that 'right' to punish them by talking about them behind their back. It is a choice that we sometimes need to make over and over again ... not just once. Everytime we feel negative feelings rising about that person, we have to make a choice to forgive them.

I have gone off on a forgiveness tangent, but it is the flip side to holding a grudge so I do think it is possible to change either way. I think forgiving someone who has really really hurt you can be a choice and you can learn to forgive but I do think it is all about training your brain.

Here is a list of what the book says forgiveness is and forgiveness is not ...

What Total Forgiveness Is Not.
1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what They did.
3. Justifying What they did.
4. Pardoning what They did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying What They did.
7. Blindness to what happened.
8. Forgetting.
9. Refusing to take the wrong seriously.
10. Pretending we are not hurt.

What Total forgiveness is:
1. Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them.
2. Choosing to keep no record of wrongs.
3. Refusing to punish.
4. Not telling what they did.
5. Being Merciful.
6. Graciousness.
7. It is an inner condition- total forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is worthless.
8. It is the absence of bitterness.

Some good food for thought if nothing else

[Tinks]

Sometimes, it depends on the grudge.

[Manhattan]

Sometimes I do, depending on the situation, other times I just let it go. But, and I dont think this is healthy, I never forget anything. Whatever happens, has been done or said, I store in a compartment at the back of my mind, to use if I ever need to. This drives DH bonkers because we might be having an argument, and I will bring up something that happened 5 years ago.

Forgiveness, yeah I always forgive, but like I said, I never forget.

Should you work on being cross? Well do you want to hold grudges against people? I think it's more harmonious not to personally.