I just feel like im in a massive limbo right now. it's been 4 weeks since J was born, and i don't know what to do. DH has been great and so supportive, he's said to me, take my time, don't rush, etc. right now i just feel like i had this plan of me being at home with a new baby and that i wouldn't have to think about work or anything for another year or two.....and now that plan has been completely shot out the window and im stumped. im at home with DD 3 days a week and DS is at school. every time i start thinking about work, i just freakout and think its too soon....but then at the same time, financially,we probably need me to get some casual work soon. as bad as it sounds, when J was born, i would have got a little bit more FTB a fortnight, which would have helped us out a fair bit. Now im not getting that, i feel like we need me to get some casual work, but i seriously can't get my head around most things these days. it's great that today i've managed to vacuum the floors....i *might* be up for cooking dinner later tonight too Lol. DH has been very patient, he's not pushing me into anything at all, but we've both agreed that IF we are going to have another bub, now is not the time, we want to wait a little bit (maybe 6 months or a year,or more...who knows?)
anyway....i don't really know what this thread is about. just for those who have been out of the workforce raising kids, and then lose a baby....what did you do? when did you go back to work? did you go back at all? when did your 'headspace' go back to normal? cause right now, i feel very vague about everything, managing to complete simple tasks during the day is huge for me...
okay, just needed to get all that out. thanks for reading, if you managed to get through.
I couldn't read your post and not share a big wrapping hug. Task or no task, tangible or not, you are doing an incredibly important job right now. Make sure it includes being kind to yourself xxx
Don't even think about work right now. If you can handle things financially for a while, let it go. It's been 8 months since DS died and I work casually at my old job. Some days I can cope, others I can't. I work when I can (I work for family, so have that option). I think I started back on and off about 4-5 months after, but it was too early. Some people are good at throwing themselves into it but I couldn't and also wanted to take time to heal. At 4 weeks I could leave the house by myself, but felt so fragile, I'd often run back and hide. I feel guilty about not contributing more when DH has also been through hell and is in a stressful job, but you can only do what you're capable of.
We've adjusted our budget accordingly to take into account the drop in income. If you haven't looked at it yet, you can apply for the baby bonus or paid parenting thingy. That may help.
A friend of mine who went through the same as me went back full-time at 9 months. That was right for her. Another went back part-time at 9 months. From my experience, I actually don't think it's realistic to go back to work before 6-9 months. There comes a time when it feels better to be out of the house doing something, but that comes slowly.
It's not just work you have to be flexible with - it's everything. For me, a lot of it depend on if I sleep (and at 4 weeks, my insomnia was chronic) or if I've been with small kids or whatever else triggers me off (trips to hospital, for example). The rest of your friends and family need to quickly come to terms with the fact that you will make plans and change them depending on what you can cope with. They're just going to have to adjust.
I know it's hard being at home grievng. Please be gentle with your self and take it easy. Grief is not predicatble or linear. I recommend seeing a qualified grief counsellor for both you and your DH. It helps enormously.
i know grief is unpredictable, right now im just getting through day to day. but i suffered a little bit of PND after DD was born, and so im worried im going to hit another 'low' point.....like i said, im just feeling very lost right now, completely stuck in limbo. im grateful that my DH and family are being so wonderful and supportive and patient, so i don't feel pressured to do anything anytime soon. but yeh, was just wondering what others had done, and how they got through it all...thanks for your replies
Muumdreamer - Hugs sweetie..... I remember those feelings of just feeling at sea with everthing....
For what it's worth, I know that you will do what is right for you, but I also know you need to know what other people have done and thought, so as to give yourself some things to think about.
You are still so early on in your grief journey, greiving Josiah, and you have a family who places demands on you - bless your DS and DD. That is tough, as your time to greive is not your own.
Some people are desperate to do something else to try to escape their grief. Iniitally I thought I would be. When I was in hossy after Amelia died, all I could think about was a holiday to NZ or Tassie. But when I got home, I didn't want to go anywhere, and I actually couldn't either , phyically or emotionally. So I just took my time. I was "maternity leave", what a cruel irony, so $ pressure was off for a while.
Amelia died in February and I was back at work part time by April/May. For me, it was time to start taking those tentative steps at getting backl into the world. I was doing "light duties". Nicholas died in July and I can't really remember how long I was away from work or even if I went back before Sophie died. I must actually look up what I did, as it's a little distressing not to remember. After Sophie died, I took my accumulated leave and unpaid leave. I went back to work on an official return to work plan, which stipulated my days, hours, duties and expecations. I was back at work by November, but didn't make it back full time until January, and then I left in mid February dure to the high risk nature of the pregnancy with Hannah. So since February 2009 I have not worked that much at all, well not full time.
I work in with families and children in high conflict. I enjoyed my work before the tragic death of my children, and I enjoyed it when I went back. There were some tasks I couldn't do but my employer recognised that and accomodated it. There were only 2 days that I had to leave as I couldn't cope at all and was just blubbering. I learnt to protect myself a lot more and say no at work when I went back. Of course I was vulnerable and fragile, but it was also good to get back to the social side of work. I actually got to think about things that weren't about death and my sadness.
About the household stuff? If you are upset that you're not functioning as well as you used to, and that was one of the things that I used to struggle with too - I would write myself a list of the things I wanted to do that day. Just a small list. I remember the small triumph I felt at completing just one task and then a few little tasks. In time I was able to complete more and eventually I didn't need the list. If you do use a list, make it realistic. The idea is to build you up not bring you down because you didn't do all on the list. If you can, ask friends or family to cook you some meals that you can whack in the freezer for those times that you can't be bothered to cook. Is there anyone that can help with the housework? A friend who could come over and keep you company whilst you both worked at a task? Someone who will accept you're greiving and will talk about Josiah and be a shouler to cry on, or to listen to you vent if that's what you need.
And it's not disrespectful to Josiah to think about money - it's a fact of life - we all need it. So please don't feel guilty about it, though I remember feeling that way.... and feeling like I wasn't contributing.... the guilt never ends really.
Anyway, that's just what worked for me. I too was lucky and had no pressure from DH to do anything if I didn't feel it was the right thing to do.
you need to put yourself first, take time to grieve , the bills will always be there, but for now u are the most important thing , you will know when u are ready to go back to work, good luck, i wish the best for u and your family
Honey, just do what is right for you.. I didn't have other kids to look after, so I did pretty much nothing but grieve, cry and trawl the internet.. I did give my self a 6 month time limit, when they 1st died.. And by the time 6months rolled around, I was ready to get out of the house..
When I was pregnant I was working in call centre, and didn't want to go back after they died. I had planned to do family day care with the twins, but after they died that didn't feel right either.. So I enrolled in my cert 3 aged care, which then led to my diploma course which I am now almost finished! Anyway, that was right for me. I had my time to do nothing and then just set myself little goals.. The aged care course was only 3 days a week, and I knew I could drop out if I couldn't cope..
Anyway, enough about me, sorry about crapping on a bit, I guess I am just trying to explain my experience.. To sum it up though, no one can tell you when you are ready. Maybe try and get a job, but don't pressure yourself. If you get one and can cope great, if not, quit.. Just take it slow.. It's great your DP is supportive..
Give yourself time sweety, you have just been through a traumatic time, it isnt going to happen overnight or even a few more weeks away. You need time. Honestly I dont believe those that have lost bubs ever feel normal again, there is always something missing. We just learn to live life differently to how we used to, as you never feel the same again. Time is what you need to even begin the healing process, to even feel as though you can breathe air without having that lump in your throat and that heavy heavy aching heart feels even somewhat lighter.
Please look after yourself, remeber your still grieving. Loads of hugs.
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