Muumdreamer - Hugs sweetie..... I remember those feelings of just feeling at sea with everthing....
For what it's worth, I know that you will do what is right for you, but I also know you need to know what other people have done and thought, so as to give yourself some things to think about.
You are still so early on in your grief journey, greiving Josiah, and you have a family who places demands on you - bless your DS and DD. That is tough, as your time to greive is not your own.
Some people are desperate to do something else to try to escape their grief. Iniitally I thought I would be. When I was in hossy after Amelia died, all I could think about was a holiday to NZ or Tassie. But when I got home, I didn't want to go anywhere, and I actually couldn't either , phyically or emotionally. So I just took my time. I was "maternity leave", what a cruel irony, so $ pressure was off for a while.
Amelia died in February and I was back at work part time by April/May. For me, it was time to start taking those tentative steps at getting backl into the world. I was doing "light duties". Nicholas died in July and I can't really remember how long I was away from work or even if I went back before Sophie died. I must actually look up what I did, as it's a little distressing not to remember. After Sophie died, I took my accumulated leave and unpaid leave. I went back to work on an official return to work plan, which stipulated my days, hours, duties and expecations. I was back at work by November, but didn't make it back full time until January, and then I left in mid February dure to the high risk nature of the pregnancy with Hannah. So since February 2009 I have not worked that much at all, well not full time.
I work in with families and children in high conflict. I enjoyed my work before the tragic death of my children, and I enjoyed it when I went back. There were some tasks I couldn't do but my employer recognised that and accomodated it. There were only 2 days that I had to leave as I couldn't cope at all and was just blubbering. I learnt to protect myself a lot more and say no at work when I went back. Of course I was vulnerable and fragile, but it was also good to get back to the social side of work. I actually got to think about things that weren't about death and my sadness.
About the household stuff? If you are upset that you're not functioning as well as you used to, and that was one of the things that I used to struggle with too - I would write myself a list of the things I wanted to do that day. Just a small list. I remember the small triumph I felt at completing just one task and then a few little tasks. In time I was able to complete more and eventually I didn't need the list. If you do use a list, make it realistic. The idea is to build you up not bring you down because you didn't do all on the list. If you can, ask friends or family to cook you some meals that you can whack in the freezer for those times that you can't be bothered to cook. Is there anyone that can help with the housework? A friend who could come over and keep you company whilst you both worked at a task? Someone who will accept you're greiving and will talk about Josiah and be a shouler to cry on, or to listen to you vent if that's what you need.
And it's not disrespectful to Josiah to think about money - it's a fact of life - we all need it. So please don't feel guilty about it, though I remember feeling that way.... and feeling like I wasn't contributing.... the guilt never ends really.
Anyway, that's just what worked for me. I too was lucky and had no pressure from DH to do anything if I didn't feel it was the right thing to do.
you need to put yourself first, take time to grieve , the bills will always be there, but for now u are the most important thing , you will know when u are ready to go back to work, good luck, i wish the best for u and your family
Honey, just do what is right for you.. I didn't have other kids to look after, so I did pretty much nothing but grieve, cry and trawl the internet.. I did give my self a 6 month time limit, when they 1st died.. And by the time 6months rolled around, I was ready to get out of the house..
When I was pregnant I was working in call centre, and didn't want to go back after they died. I had planned to do family day care with the twins, but after they died that didn't feel right either.. So I enrolled in my cert 3 aged care, which then led to my diploma course which I am now almost finished! Anyway, that was right for me. I had my time to do nothing and then just set myself little goals.. The aged care course was only 3 days a week, and I knew I could drop out if I couldn't cope..
Anyway, enough about me, sorry about crapping on a bit, I guess I am just trying to explain my experience.. To sum it up though, no one can tell you when you are ready. Maybe try and get a job, but don't pressure yourself. If you get one and can cope great, if not, quit.. Just take it slow.. It's great your DP is supportive..
Give yourself time sweety, you have just been through a traumatic time, it isnt going to happen overnight or even a few more weeks away. You need time. Honestly I dont believe those that have lost bubs ever feel normal again, there is always something missing. We just learn to live life differently to how we used to, as you never feel the same again. Time is what you need to even begin the healing process, to even feel as though you can breathe air without having that lump in your throat and that heavy heavy aching heart feels even somewhat lighter.
Please look after yourself, remeber your still grieving. Loads of hugs.
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