Children at Children's Funerals???

[Frangipani]

Hi,

I apologise for the sensitive topic...but really need to get others opinions on this.

One of our friends 4yo daughter passed away (cancer ). I've know the mum and daughter from a parent class then mothers group from when our 4year olds were newborns. The funeral is Friday and I am unsure whether to take DS1 (I wouldn't take DS2 -2yo - I know he wouldn't sit still and quiet and being that I'm going solo- and that its at lunchtime right when he'd be due to sleep...just don't feel its right for him).

My Boy's go to childcare Friday's anyway- as I work the full day. I will be still working that day - I've planned to go out for dinner and drinks straight after work with my colleagues...so I'll just be taking the time off during the day for the funeral- so i go back to work after. Which means DS1 will be going to childcare in the morning then be taken out at lunchtime to be taken back. Its my XDH's weekend to have the Boy's so he picks them up from childcare - cause he's not welcome at my parents- so the Boy's have to be at childcare for that.

I think he slightly understands death. He watched our pet ****atiel die in my hands last year- so kind of understands what the word dying means. We also buried it together. When I told him his friend died he immediately was sad and related it to our bird.

And even though its been 6months since we've seen them- he still remembered this little girl (he was actually asking to see her last week- the morning I found out things weren't look good). A couple of other of our mothers group friends are going. One is definitely not taking her 2 children. The other is considering taking her daughter (same age). One of my other concerns is that if this other little girl goes and DS1 goes- they could end up wanting to play.

Also my mum pointed out a situation she knew where a friend of hers had cancer - he ended up passing away. Then his grandson got cancer too and was questioning whether he would die like his grandpa...he was about the same age as my DS1...so makes me wonder how they would read the situation.

I think I'm more swaying to not taking him, but just thought I'd get others opinions.

Plus also want to be considerate of the little girls parents and their feelings (seeing my DS1 and the other friends daughter together without her little one I'd imagine would be tough- especially so soon).

So would you take your child to another child's funeral?

Thanks in advance.

Bec sent this on her Samsung using Tapatalk :-)

[Charlotte91]

Personally, no. I'm very 'anti-kids-at-funerals'.
But, I think it's more hassle than it's worth, pulling him out of DC and then putting him back in.

I'm so sorry for your friend's little girl. So tragic.

[Rouge]

I would check with the parents. I'm not anti kids at funerals though, I'd just be more concerned that it might be too soon for them.

[TeniBear]

I would. And I would've loved to see more kids at Ianto's funeral too. If its possible, funerals always seem much too somber for something that should be celebrating life. Kids - yes, even the ones running around - brighten things up. If Ianto had lived for a few years before he died, I would have been sad to *not* see his little friends there.

BUT! I'm realizing I'm possibly a minority here. Some parents might not want other kids there. I'd say your best bet would be to ask the little girl's parents (or someone close to them so they're not inundated with questions)

[Astrolady]

No I wouldn't. Not to a child's funeral. I never took my own children to a friends daughter's funeral (she was 6) and my children saw the little girl quite often at a mutual friends house, Lachlan even went to Kindy with her.

[LuluHB]

Your poor friends.

That's a tough one. I do believe in taking children to funerals if its the funeral of a person who is truly in their life. TBH I think hiding death can be more scary for kids than being open about it. Having said that, we are going to my DH's grandmother's funeral on Friday and won't be taking our girls. They haven't seen her for well over a year and only saw her a handful of times before that.

If he hasn't seen this little girl very much recently, and I'm guessing he hasn't given her illness, then I would lean towards not taking him - especially given how you need to go back to work so can't deal with any issues that may arise once its all settled in for your DS.

[Sopdet]

If he was home with you that day, then I would take him, but since you would have to take him out of DC for an hour or so, I'd say no.

I'm a firm believer of kids at funerals. We've never hidden death from the kids in our family, they've all attended friend & family funerals.

But it is a personal choice, each person views funerals differently, to me it is a celebration of their life and having kids there reinforces the cycle of life.

[aussienic]

Personally no I wouldn't. I went to a childs funeral (13 yr) last year and I took my son as they were friends. My other 2 boys decided on the day they didn't want to go. At 4 they may have a minor understanding of death but they don't understand the funeral process fully and it may upset them to see a lot of people upset or like you said want to play as kids do that

Maybe do something special with your son like plant a tree or release a balloon with a letter in it.. Just on your own as your own little thing for him...

So sorry for your friends loss..

[feeb]

No sorry I wouldn't not to a childs funeral. I have no issue with kids going to funerals but I think a childs funeral would make it way to much for the parents of the child who has passed. Saying that I would think about asking if it was a close friend what they would like.

Hugs and love to you and your friends as they prepare to say goodbye.

[Freya]

I would say not this time because you'd be taking him out of childcare then taking him back to go back to work; alot of disruption.

But I believe children should be allowed at funerals so they see a healthy impression of dying and death. Hiding them away from it does nothing but shelter them. But Im a bit liberal like that; we've talked about dying and things with our kids (DH deployed last year and it was something Ds1 brought up so I ran with it, because well there is a small possibility they'd have to deal with it with his line of work).

I think asking her family if it would be ok is a good idea.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

If he wasn't going to be in CC then i would say if the parents were ok with it then take him but as he is in CC i wouldn't this time.

If it were me and they were very close (ie. kinder friends, see each other every week etc) then i would aslong as the parents were ok with it.
My mum has mentioned that the hardest thing when my brother died (4mths) was that people hid their kids from her, it was harder sitting there seeing these people without their kids than what it was seeing them with them IYKWIM.
We didn't go to our brothers funeral, my dad was very anti-kids at ANY funeral even up until i was about 13 and i think that made it harder on mum too.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, we all grieve differently and we all expect different things of others.. if in doubt then ask or just keep him at CC.

[nickle730]

In your position I would not take your DS. As you pointed out, it may be too soon for grieving parent's to be faced with their child's friends running around. I wonder if that would compound their loss and cause more pain (if that's possible). Whilst I am all for children at funerals, children's funerals are often filled with more emotion than that of an elderly person whose time has come. I would worry about the impact on your DS of being in such a highly charged emotional environment, particularly given he is probably still too young to fully understand why people are so upset.

I am sorry for your friends loss, I can't imagine the pain they must be experiencing.

[Phteven]

I think that it's ok for children to go to funerals but I wouldn't take my children out of school for one unless they were very close to the deceased.

[Livinthedream]

But I believe children should be allowed at funerals so they see a healthy impression of dying and death. Hiding them away from it does nothing but shelter them.

I am just wondering if there is such a thing as a healthy impression of a young childs death?

I have not been to such a tragic event, I would imagine that it would be highly likely that there would be some extremely distressed adults there.
I would be concerned that a young child may find this very confronting and/or frightening.

I think the death of grandma/granpa, or even a beloved uncle is a far cry from the death of a six 6 year old, and I am not sure that I would want my child exposed to that at such a young age.

Hugs to you all, what a horribly unfair thing for her family to have to endure.

[Frangipani]

Thanks everyone.

I appreciate everyone's advice. I think I will leave DS1 at childcare. I feel it might be too much emotionally to handle - especially being one of his friends (as opposed to an elderly person where its a more natural thing to explain). And also that I won't be there to answer follow uo questions.

It might be different if he saw her more, he wasn't in childcare and if we'd been to other funerals but even I've only been to 2 funerals in ny life (and they were 11 & 15 years ago) and the first one was actually my nana's (i was really close to too) who funeral is at the same place as this little girl- so with the crap year I'm having and being taken back there- I could be a little extra emotional.

But I do love the idea of doing something special with DS1 to farewell her...we get lots of butterflies in our yard- so i might try to catch one for him to release.

Thanks again everyone.

Bec sent this on her Samsung using Tapatalk :-)

[Shanti]

I would bring them. As long as they were quiet and respectful and you told them how you expect them to act at the funeral and how it's a special place to be quiet like in a library etc....

I just wanted to say I am deeply sorry for your friend's loss that is just so so horrific, i couldn't imagine losing my daughter and she was so little what cancer was it if you don't mind me asking?

[blessedatlast]

Oh Bec, how devastating.. I'm so sorry

I don't have an issue with exposing kids to death or funerals, but a child's funeral is different. I would not take them. Also it may be too difficult for the parents. We had a no children rule at the twins funeral.

Shanti - It could possibly be too much to to expect a 2 and 4 year old to sit still through something they would consider boring..

[Freya]

I am just wondering if there is such a thing as a healthy impression of a young childs death?

I have not been to such a tragic event, I would imagine that it would be highly likely that there would be some extremely distressed adults there.
I would be concerned that a young child may find this very confronting and/or frightening.

I think the death of grandma/granpa, or even a beloved uncle is a far cry from the death of a six 6 year old, and I am not sure that I would want my child exposed to that at such a young age.

Hugs to you all, what a horribly unfair thing for her family to have to endure.

Maybe healthy impression isnt the right thing to call it but honestly; death happens. Sometimes its anticipated and the person is old and its their time. Alot of the time its not anticipated, very sudden and senseless. I guess I just dont believe in shielding children from that, I try to make my kids appropriately resilient, possibly a side effect of our lifestyle. We've got friends who have lost children, we've had friends pass away; its on the news, in the newspapers - a big part of our community. Kids take in and take notice of alot more than most parents are aware of. I just feel that making it taboo or something scary just increases the likelihood of it becoming something to fear and obssess over. Its hard not to do so as an adult, esp when its a baby or child and our parenting fears and instincts kick in. I can only imagine it must be daunting as a child, esp when people wont talk about it. Its something they WILL be exposed to, maybe in primary school or later in high school. Someone they know or come into contact with who is a peer will pass away. Even if they are not someone 'close' to them.

Its quite confronting to have your 5yo hear on the news that soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan and have him ask if it was his Dad. I jumped between panic and confusion about what to do. He is only 5 right? But I decided that if I brush it off entirely or make a big deal about it and show my fear and confusion he would take that on; or worse a child at school might choose to enlighten him and misinform him which could cause untold amounts of damage. And I didnt want him to worry about and fear something happening to his Dad until he made it home safely. I just said no it wasnt him, we would have some army people come to our door to tell us if something happens to Daddy. I answered his questions; yes sometimes mummies, daddies, siblings, friends die; no I cant guarantee nothing will ever happen to any of us, no I dont think we should worry about Daddy he is brave and strong and good at his job, yes we would be heartbroken if Daddy died but we would be proud of him and love him always and it would be ok to be very sad forever.

He seemed pretty content with that; I also double checked with a psychologist and she confirmed I acted calmly and rationally and did no damage being honest with him. He rarely mentions it unless he hears or see's something about someone dying and just comments that he feels sad for the people who love them. Im glad its allowing him empathy and allowing him to express his fears and concerns without feeling shuttered. Kids sometimes need closure too; and thats kind of what a funeral is.

Its all moot point though if the family stipulate no children. I just think sometimes its ironic that we shelter our children from some things that are a natural part of life like death; yet we gladly offer them up other things that are definately not healthy for them.