Hi hun,
Unfortunately losing a baby due to abnormalities is very common. We lost Emmanuel at 24wks due to Trisomy 13 which is a chromosone abnormality. Fortunately for me my GP was excellent. We found out at our 20wk scan which was a big shock. For me also seeing other babies or pregnant women was torture. We were able to go on and have a beautiful healthy baby girl last year who has brought so much joy to our lives. Take care of you and surround yourself with loving family and friends.
Hi Batty and welcome to Belly Belly - I am so sorry for the loss of Max - I am still weeping after reading your son's and your story. I wish I could just hug you - so please feel the support I am sending you...
I am appalled at the usupportive and insensitive way you were treated - this is just awful and I feel so sad when I read of stories such as yours. Unfortunately we live in a community that just does not understand death and grief.
Take all the time you need to walk through this journey - there will be many many times where you will doubt you will ever be okay again - but please believe that you will. It takes time lots of time to begin the healing. But in time you will again smile again - it all takes time.
You have found a wonderful community here on Belly Belly of women who will walk with you as you navigate your way.
Good on you for trying to keep occupied.. it does hlep to get up and about and give yourself a little task to do each day, even if its just as simple as going to the shops to buy milk!
I am astonished by your shocking lack of care and consideration by the Gp and radiologist!! That is shocking and i dont blame you for not wanting to go back to that practice!! Do you have a normally good relationship with your GP that wasnt there that day? Had you been seeing the same Dr for 15 years? Even though he hasnt answered your call- maybe just book an appt with him anyway- or if not- go and see someone else and just take all your records with you- book a double appt and hope you get someone nice- perhaps if possible make it with an Obstytrician.
The radiologist i saw first was a bit the same- the same as you- my fluid was low- (this is becuase at this stage our boys were drinking the fluid up- but due to lack of kidney were not processing the fluid back out) and he knew something was wrong- very wrong- but wouldnt tell me a single thing- but i knew it was bad- coz they sent me to a larger town about 45 mintues away for another scan with a specialist- who thankfully was very nice and kind and understanding- but that 45 minute car ride was hell- not knowing WTF was going on- but knowing that something wasnt right.
When i got to the specialist radiologist he did another scan and explained to me about his kidney- and that also his bowel had not formed properly- or his bladder. It was put to me- that he would not make full term- and that sadly surgery would not help- and then he gently explained that i would need to deliver him - but that he would not survive. I had to then go and see an OB who gave me the referal for the "termination" ( a word i HATE to use when i think of my baby) but never saw my local GP until afterwards- though he had been contacted and knew what had happened.
I am glad that your DH and BIL and SIL were understanding- your will find that there will be people who "dont think" you will be upset- or if you are that it wont last long- just make sure you let DH know how you are feeling- and while its good to start to feel better- its just important not to rush it and do it at your own pace- not because other people think you should be "over it" already. And yes- you can very much get "baby blues" and full on PND after a mid term loss- your body is in chaos right now- hormones that were rattling forward preparing for your baby have been grinded to halt all too fast. Just like your heart and mind- your body was expecting your pregnancy to keep going- and its been cut short- no doubt your milk came through- even if they gave you that tablet- you still would have gotten some discomfort- it will take a while for your body to accept that its all over and get back to normal- and that includes your hormones- which play a huge part on PND. Besides the bleeding obvious- that yes you are going to also be very upset by the fact that you lost your baby- so do watch yourself- and take it all one day at a time- there is nothing to be ashamed of if you do find you get PND, just dont be afraid to seek out help from your gp- and as you already are- from the councilor through your work.
I hope you had a good time re arranging your furniture- take care- if you want or need to chat- i have msn- or pm me any time
xoxoxo
Hi Batty - I am so sorry to read about your beautiful son Max and the pain and heartbreak you are experiencing since his passing. You will find wonderful support amongst this forum and many people who understand your grief.
We lost our first baby Nathaniel last December. At the 20 week scan we discovered he had passed away around 15 weeks. They never found any chromosomal abnormalities and I have had many tests done since on me and all were clear. Once again it appears that his passing was just 'one of thos things'. It makes it hard to understand how a baby can just leave, and I understand the darkness and grief that is currently consuming you. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. You only just lost your son, so you need to explain to your DH that you still feel the pain deeply and that you need him to support you. I believe that the loss of a baby is the loneliest grief as so many people just can not understand the depth of our grief.
Firstly, yes you can suffer post natal depression after a midterm loss. My mother and DH were both worried that I was suffering depression after loss. We contacted SIDS and they offer a free counselling service at your home for late term losses and stillbirths as well as SIDS. It helped me immensely to have a counsellor come out and talk to both DH and I, and explain that I was not depressed but simply going through the normal grieving emotions. Having someone validate my grief really gave me a feeling of empowerment and the ability to ask for time and understanding.
With your DH, I think it is important to keep open communication with him. My DH was very supportive but we still had some terrible fights and often misunderstood each other. He admitted to me that he felt that Nathaniel and I had our own special team and that he was not part of it - I explained to him that we both desperately wanted him to be there with us and that we needed him. This was a turning point for us and I think it allowed my DH to understand better that I needed him more than ever. Also as already mentioned, take your time with seeing people and babies. You will know when you are ready for this. I honestly believe that most people will understand and if they don't, than is simply means that they lack compassion.
Please take care and know that Max will always be with you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your baby boy is in a safe place and is looking after you each and every day. As you can see I am pregnant with my second baby - a little girl, so good things do come and there is always a glimmer of hope in the darkness.
I can completely understand what you are going through. Please remember that you need to take care of YOU. If this means crying all day, sleeping, hiding away or talking about it you need to do it. You need to get through this initial grief anyway you can. However, for the long term please consider professional assistance. Whilst you will get yourself through the grief in the short term it is something that will always be with you.
Re DH's behaviour, his role is protector and provider and he can't do that at the moment. This hurt can come out in frustration or lack of understanding. It's his way of dealing with it. My husband was exactly the same. So whilst it's hard to ignore it please don't take his behaviour to heart as he is dealing with his hurt in his own way.
Be kind to yourself. I lost my darling boy at 28 weeks, doctors tell me it was just one of those things, a blood clot on my placenta. That was on the 28th March 2008.
Not one day goes by that i do not think of him. All your feelings of anxiety i too can relate to. My sister in law gave birth to her third child on 10 August 2008. I have not been able to see her or her child yet. I avoid going out to functions, however i am getting better.
I want to give you advice that will solve everything, but there isn't. Surround yourself will supportive people. One's who will listen and not give advice, as they just don't know.
I only took two weeks from work, i believe that it was good for me because it did get me off the couch.
I attend a support group organised by SANDS, it helps to talk to people that do know how it feels.
My partner and i are blessed to be expecting another boy on 1 March 2009. I am so nervous. I know it sounds odd or negative but i can't stand seeing pregnant women, i just want to tell them of all the bad stories, and them to feel a little of what i am going through and not to be so happy.
Because of our experience my partner and i have been unable to enjoy the pregnancy, we don't want to go out shopping for him, or plan for him. We just want march to come. I just want to replace the nightmare of childbirth, having a sleeping baby, to having a crying baby.
However, i draw my strength from the knowledge that many women before me have had to endure what i have gone through and they have gone on to have healthy happy babies. I must remember that as unfair as 28th March was to us, it can't happen again.
once again Be Kind To Yourself. If you have any reservations about going out and socialising, stuff it, people understand. you are not letting anyone down.
My SIL has a special memorial garden she has made for her little girl who passed away after being born premature and my brother and his wife put their stillborn son's ashes inside of a teddy bear. (still in his urn)
Just some small ideas that may or may not help on your journey.
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