Teenage Girls and sex

[paradise lost]

Yeah, i noticed from a few things you've said before we had similar childhoods in some ways. I was abused me for years and while my mum didn't openly blame me she did "forget" to mention in when she had the whole family up in arms about the abuse my abuser had been suffering at the hands of a teacher (which is why he abused me - understandable but it doesn't mean i didn't hurt too). I had so little self worth by the time i was 14 i would basically have slept with any guy because i thought that you had to.

I can remember when i was 12 or 13 my dad was sent to talk to me about periods (mum was 43 when she had me and just was terrible at discussing it all without getting really angry or shutting down, in fact i wonder if she too was abused) and i was thinking i wish he'd get on with it and rape me, i couldn't stand the build up. My poor dad has only ever loved me and had no idea, even after we told mum, what had happened. SHe never told him. I had to tell him, after she'd died, in a shopping centre because i thought he knew already. So intensely painful i can't express it. I could cry now thinking about it, and about his face as his emotions shut down and about him saying "oh but that's just doctors and nurses, all kids do that" and me whispering "he was 16 when it stopped" and him changing the subject and him, the next day, crying and crying and begging me to forgive him for not knowing and for his initial reaction. Awful.

When i told my mum i'd gone on the Pill (which she'd have NEVER approved of or helped with) at 14 she told me i was a ****. When at 15 i got a serious UTI and kidney infection she wouldn't take me to the doctor because he'd apparently know i was having sex (WTF!?) and instead threw a cystitis cure at me and told me to "lay off the sex". I wasn't even having sex at that point. I can remember weeks of sitting on the loo feeling like i had a hot stone in my bladder, ****ing blood and crying with shame.

She would never have kicked me out but it was always made obvious that we should behave in a way she could cope with or just not tell her. She was very loving and positive in a lot of ways, just with sex she couldn't cope. The more i think of it, the more it seems like she had her own unresolved issues there. I hope i make a better mother for Smee.

Bx