I hope that i dont offend anyone by posting no personals tonight, i do think of everyone and i pray that we will all be enjoying that bfp and so much wanted little babe much sooner than we think but i just need to rant at the moment and i know that you exceptional ladies on here are the only ones who know what i am talking about and how i feel... Please dont be alarmed by some things you might reed, i just need to get them off my chest.

Since we lost our angel baby in Nov 07, DH and i decided that we would wait until the new year to TTc again. Well that time has come and gone and then some. Time in which i was diagnosed with Depression, attempted suicide, lost a family member and then diagnosed with PCOS. My wake up call i guess, was when my attempt failed and i realised that i needed help. I sought that out and i was back to feeling normal again, i was eating well and mentally and physically preparing myself to TTC seriously (during the months when i was my worst, we half heartedly TTC'd if you know what i mean). It is now, like i said, more than 12 months since we started TTCing and i just dont think that i can cope with any more. My cycles are all over the place (Thanks PCOS, You are just lovely to deal with!!!), i have hardly any indication of if i am ovulating and to make things even more wonderful, my DH has had enough of me. If i talk (nag/whinge according to him) to him about TTC and when we should BD, he gets all annoyed and upset. I try to talk to him about it but he just doesnt want to listen. Last month he got all frustrated with me because i asked him to BD with me for 2 days in a row and then this month, well it just takes the cake!! We have been BDing like crazy for the last few days, almost 3 days in a row and tonight i asked him to BD with me again because i was having EWCM and thought that despite the rest of our BDing, i thought that tonight would be best because i was having most fertile signs. Well he said "i dont really want to, but you go and watch your show and i will figure something out". Usually, this means that he'll go watch porn to get in the mood.. Well my show finished and i went to him and he says to me "oh well, you took too long and i was turned on about 30mins ago but im not now so im going to sleep. Besides, i know you dont want it any way" !!!! WTF? i might not want sex because i am all sexed out but seriously? I am willing to do something that i am sick of at the moment because i know that it could potentially bring us closer to geting our forever baby! I am willing to lay there and be treated like a 'FleshLight' in order to achieve what we want...
So what does he do, he rolls over and promptly falls asleep!! I just want to cry. Am i not enough for him, why does he get to pick and choose when he wants to BD with me even though i have said that tonight would be best? Why is this happening to me?

How am i supposed to get him to want to BD with me when, whenever i open my mouth to speak he goes soft (literally!! sorry if tmi)? I dont know what to do to get him to want it, does he not want to have a baby as much as i do????

Maybe i should just give up? myabe my dream of having my own baby to love is too much seeing as its never going to happen.



Btw, Maca powder tastes revolting!