Frustrated and angry

[snowie]

Hi
I'm really frustrated by my TTC journey - in summary TTC after VR. 18months til first pg Mar '07, only to have it ripped away from me at 6wks. 6 long months then a chem, one very short cycle, then pg again. Lost at 8wks, but didn't find out til ~12 wks. Then 5 wks later, on D&C cycle, pg again, rushed to hospital by ambulance in early hours of am with severe cramping to be told UTI and sent home with antibiotics, 12 hours later cramping again and gush blood everywhere. POAS 2 days later and it was faint positive. But I knew I lost it in the gushing blood. So in total 4 losses in about 11 months.

I just feeling like I am banging my head against a brick wall - I have recurrent loss testing I'm normal, karyotype is normal for DH and I.

I'm just so angry about where I find myself - AMA (38yo) and people who just don't get that I might be sad about my losses. They really don't understand what I might be feeling. People who suggest that I might have TTC earlier in my life - well there was no DH then. Now my acu is suggesting that I TAB - FS suggests that I keep trying. What conflicting advice.

On weekends it's the worst - everything that I bottle up inside during the week - trying to get on with life - just comes spewing out. I feel for my DH - wonderful man that he is putting up with me being upset and angry.

Anybody else been there - anything help with this angry phase or do I just have to ride it out??

[Footsteps]

i nearly cried reading your post as my sister had 10m/c before she went on to a successfull pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy baby boy in aug07. i know how angry and hurt she felt and all i can say is it CAN and WILL happen. i know you think age is against you but that is not the case (people giving birth in their 50's and 60's) . you are only as old as you feel!!!!. are you under a f/s?? take time to heal and grieve do it YOUR way there is no time limit and no right way to feel. something my sister said is the worst thing she did was bottle it up. sorry if iam babbling just wanted you to know there is success stories out there and i you will be one of them.
take care and i hope i made sense.
rach xxxxxx

[snowie]

Rach
Thank you for the and well wishes
It's just so frustrating, having to wait and wait and wait ... ... ...

After I posted this morning, DH and I had a big chat - we now have a plan to move forward, which makes me happier as I have felt very much alone in all this TTC business: charting, timed , checking TP everytime I go to the bathroom and the list goes on ... ... ...

Here in my home town we are in the middle of a baby boom for the past year - 'everyone' seems to be pg or have had a little one recently even colleagues and my family - I just can't escape the pg women. (no offence to any of them, it's wonderful that they are bringing a new life into the world - it's just a huge 'in your face' reminder of what I don't have) And they are even on the TV too - local soaps keep having pg women in their story line

[Hollybolly]

Snowie,

I just posted in Jules' thread about recurrent miscarriages... not sure where you're located, but I can recommend Dr Gavin Sacks with IVF Australia in Syndey.

Have a read of that post I just typed out.... You mentioned that you've had some testing done... he will do everything thats possible and then more!!!

Just another option to consider - and best of luck hun xxx

[snowie]

Holly
Thank you - I'm off to read your post now

[sryan]

Hi Snowie,

I know excactly how you feel.

Though I am waiting for all my tests results to come back. Have you looked at seeing a Natural Therapist???

I can't believe how many people say to me that you should have started trying earlier etc etc. I am in the same boat as you, my DH wasnt on the scene earlier!!!! and I wasnt going to get pregnant for the sake of it.


I wish you all the best in your journey and I am sending you lots of

xxx Sue xx

[Katiegirl]

Hi Snowie - I firstly want to say I am so sorry that you have had to endure the loss of 4 precious babies. I hope you find support here amongst the women, I know it they have all helped me through some very dark days. Please feel free to join us.

I also felt like the world around me was pregnant and it hurt so much to see bellies growing, knowing that mine was now empty. Pregnancy loss is a very lonely place and few people really understand the heartbreak. I can only say that you should ignore people that say you should have had a baby earlier - hindsight is always a great thing - but not exactly helpful. It would have been great to have had babies early, but like you I was single and also I was too busy having a party of a time. We all have our own timelines for these things, and people saying that too you are not helpful nor understand how difficult your losses have been! So big hug

Whereabouts are you located? I know you have had a lot of tests done, but there may be a supportive ob near you that can help. My ob Mark Umstad in Melb specialises in high risk pregs and those that have had previous losses. He is not only thorough but also very compassionate and lovely.

[snowie]

Sue
thank you for your reply - I'm so sorry for your losses it just plain sux, (sorry I just can't thing of any better words for it). I am now seeing a new acupuncturist; my third, but this one specialises in fertility issues. 3 of my 4 pregnancies were during a course of acupunture - who knows maybe it really does help. We are thinking IVF sometime this year - Oct if not pg spontaneously by then.

Katie
I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one.
I am seeing a F/S in Bris who has CREI qualifications - so far I have had some recurrent loss tests - clotting, antibody tests. I don't specifically know of any recurrent loss specialists in Bris, but the CREI qualification does include treatment of recurrent loss. F/S has not pushed IVF on us - which I suppose is a good sign that F/S is not in it just for the money.
Thank you for the invitation to join the group, I'll pop in from time to time - at the moment my head is spinning with 'stuff', I'm not good at keeping up with people. Sort of reflects real life - just keeping a low profile at the moment.

[Jules_P]

Hi Snowie - I am so sorry to hear of your losses. It's so hard, I know. I don't know if you have seen any of my posts, but I have had 5 losses in just over a year, the most recent a missed miscarriage on 21 May (had D&C on 22 May). It is devastating. There is no other way to put it. Like you am older, 40 in February, and I did not even meet DH until I was 34 and at that point we did not know that we wanted kids.

I am going to the recurrent miscarriage clinic here in Melbourne and was lucky enough to get in quickly - 26 June is my appt. I had a d&c for this last loss and they found nothing genetically wrong with our little girl and no ANA, so at least that rules some things out.

Like you I find the weekends very hard. All week I have stuff to do - go to work, etc. and then I wake up on Saturday with an entire unplanned day ahead of me and all I can do is cry. My poor husband.

My anger comes and goes but it has mellowed out for the time being. But the sadness is still there. However I can get through my days and have even been going to yoga and pilates about 3 x week lately and that has really helped my head.

I wish you only the best during this difficult struggle. I hope we both have a change in luck soon! I don't check into this board all that often, but will try to do so a bit more. Maybe we can help each other through this difficult time...

Sending you lots of

[Tildy]

It's sad to hear that people are putting their feet in their mouths and telling you what you "should" have done. We need to think up a polite but marked way for you to point out to them that their words are hurtful and that stops them from arguing... I could make a long list of the things people have said to me since my m/c that have really just twisted the knife.

I read the other day (I do nothing but surf about chances for a healthy pregnancy after m/c) that even a woman in her early 40s that has had 3 or more miscarriages have more chance of a healthy pregnancy than of another m/c. That was one of the few comforting thoughts that I've tucked away -- I'm only 30, but I would like to have more than one child, so the idea that I have plenty of time left was comforting. And I think you do as well.

However, I understand that what you've been through and your fears of going through it again are paralyzing -- I can in fact only imagine, as I am so crushed after my (single, but late) loss that I am not functioning like a normal human being. It's also hardest for me on the weekends, which is of course hard for my husband, as that's the time we have together. I've also experienced the feeling that people don't quite understand how very serious, many-faceted and permanent a loss we have endured.

Since I'm naturally cynical by nature, I feel a need to actively work at changing my way of looking at life and people in order to feel better. Yes, sadly, most people are being twats about how I feel and what I need, and lots of nonsense comes out of their mouth. But there are SOME people who have been super wonderful, and I didn't even know how much they cared about me until this happened. My mother-in-law will talk to me on the phone at any hour of any day if I need someone to listen. My sister-in-law jumped in the car immediately upon hearing of our loss and drove 4 hours to our house and stayed with me for a few days. My old friends seem to be avoiding me (perhaps because they were all pregnant too -- two of them had their babies the EXACT day I lost mine, and a third had hers two days ago, as I was crying over getting my perio again) but a brand new friend has stepped up to the plate and shown me that she's there for me. She said she'd call me after she got back from out of town -- and she DID, and asked me to come over for coffee today. It may sound like a little thing, but to me it's positively huge.

So I don't know if it will help you to try to think the same way -- constantly remind yourself of the few pearls and diamonds that you have around you that are really there for you. And try to forgive the people who clearly just aren't emotionally well-rounded enough to understand. And those pearls and diamonds -- make sure they know how great they are. Telling them will make you feel better.

I know it sounds like corny advice, but if I, the super pessimistic grudge-holder, can say it, it might be true...

[Eloise]

Hi Snowie,

I am sorry to hear about your losses. I had a still birth at 26 weeks October 2007 and then a miscarriage May 2008. I have been put on Celloids (cell salts) to strenghen my immune system and replace minerals that I lost whilst pregnant. I had hyperemesis gravadium (severe morning sickness) when pregnant and it depleted my body of its mineral stores. We get cell salts from what we eat, but the natropath said our soils in Australia are depleted, so we need to take them in tablet form. There are 12 different cell salts and they can be put together in different combinations depending on what you need. I have definately had more energy since I started taking the cell salts and my menstrual cycle in more constant. I hope this info helps you.

Regards
Eloise

[8weeks]

Hi Snowie,

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I don't have much of a clue about the doctors part, but I do understand the anger that spews forth. I'm trying to get a hold on it myself, as the usual person it's taken out on is DH and he so doesn't deserve it.

Maybe on the weekend when you have a bit of free time you could distract yourself and use your energies doing something you enjoy. It'll take your mind off whats going on inside for a while and it's healthy to have a break from emotional stuff.

For me these days, when I feel a tanty coming on, I'll grab the camera and race outside to take photos of things that catch my eye. Maybe they won't be the kind of photos I can share with others [as they may wonder why I'm taking photos of peoples fences. Ha!], but it allows me to use energy that I would otherwise use in a negative way were I to sit and ponder 'why me' and why everything seems to bite on those down days.

Good luck! And I hope you find your answers.

[satya]

I wish I had some words of wisdom that would make it all OK but I don't. Unfortunately you kind of do have to ride it out. I had two losses last year and my DF and I did not handle them well and ended up splitting for a short time. Losses can be extremely damaging to relationships. Shortly after reconciling I was pregnant again. This one was a success and I gave birth to a son 1 month after my 42nd birthday.

Unfortunately conceiving and pregnancy after the age of 35 is often a lot harder than most of us have been lead to believe. The success stories of women in their 40's and 50's having IVF babies & multiples get splashed all over the media but the not so successful ones tend to be hidden. This gives the general public an unrealistic expectation of how late we can fall pregnant carry a child with ease.

The good news is that you are falling pregnant. That's probably the biggest hurdle when you are past 35 when lots of ladies are unable to conceive regardless of what they try. The next hurdle is to get a sticky pregnancy. Unfortunately most of us don't find out what's causing the miscarriages but maternal age does play a part (increasing from age 35, raising steeply over 40). I also read recently that researchers now believe paternal age increases the risk. I think it was if the dad was over 40 it increased the risk further (not sure how old your partner is).

All I can tell you is that I did not do anything special to get my sticky bub. I had been told IVF was my best chance of a successful pregnancy at my age. Maybe it was just a matter of egg quality and this egg was of good quality and the others weren't.... I don't know, no one knows.

Miracles do happen. Don't ever lose hope.

[Toccara50]

Snowie ~ I'm so very sorry to hear of your losses I'm at a loss for words as what to say to you I can't imagine dealing with it you are such a strong women and I pray you get that wonderful little baby you want someday you should really take time to let out all your frustration and angry and take vacation somewhere with DH and just relax ...