It's sad to hear that people are putting their feet in their mouths and telling you what you "should" have done. We need to think up a polite but marked way for you to point out to them that their words are hurtful and that stops them from arguing... I could make a long list of the things people have said to me since my m/c that have really just twisted the knife.
I read the other day (I do nothing but surf about chances for a healthy pregnancy after m/c) that even a woman in her early 40s that has had 3 or more miscarriages have more chance of a healthy pregnancy than of another m/c. That was one of the few comforting thoughts that I've tucked away -- I'm only 30, but I would like to have more than one child, so the idea that I have plenty of time left was comforting. And I think you do as well.
However, I understand that what you've been through and your fears of going through it again are paralyzing -- I can in fact only imagine, as I am so crushed after my (single, but late) loss that I am not functioning like a normal human being. It's also hardest for me on the weekends, which is of course hard for my husband, as that's the time we have together. I've also experienced the feeling that people don't quite understand how very serious, many-faceted and permanent a loss we have endured.
Since I'm naturally cynical by nature, I feel a need to actively work at changing my way of looking at life and people in order to feel better. Yes, sadly, most people are being twats about how I feel and what I need, and lots of nonsense comes out of their mouth. But there are SOME people who have been super wonderful, and I didn't even know how much they cared about me until this happened. My mother-in-law will talk to me on the phone at any hour of any day if I need someone to listen. My sister-in-law jumped in the car immediately upon hearing of our loss and drove 4 hours to our house and stayed with me for a few days. My old friends seem to be avoiding me (perhaps because they were all pregnant too -- two of them had their babies the EXACT day I lost mine, and a third had hers two days ago, as I was crying over getting my perio again) but a brand new friend has stepped up to the plate and shown me that she's there for me. She said she'd call me after she got back from out of town -- and she DID, and asked me to come over for coffee today. It may sound like a little thing, but to me it's positively huge.
So I don't know if it will help you to try to think the same way -- constantly remind yourself of the few pearls and diamonds that you have around you that are really there for you. And try to forgive the people who clearly just aren't emotionally well-rounded enough to understand. And those pearls and diamonds -- make sure they know how great they are. Telling them will make you feel better.
I know it sounds like corny advice, but if I, the super pessimistic grudge-holder, can say it, it might be true...
Reply With Quote
Celloids
Bookmarks