Trying to Conceive after Late Loss, Still Birth or Recurrent Miscarriage Feb/March 08

[Simba]

oh Katiegirl your brother is definitely out of line on so many levels. firstly to ring and pretend to be the baby - in another situation that could in some ways be cute but in your situation it is soooo insensitive! and then to make a joke about "losing" a baby as if you are forgetful that is just so thoughtless. you are right its doesnt mean you dont love him or are not happy for him but some people, even the ones we love, just dont get it.

i dont know about you but i have found myself saying "my baby died" not that "we lost her" i'm not sure if i do it to impact more on people or to shock them more. i guess i hate having to make something nice and easier for other people to deal with when it certainly isnt nice and isnt easy for us!

for me at the moment i am really struggling with people telling me how great i look - in other words lost all the weight after the baby. and yes i am "back in my pre-pregnancy jeans" and no "i dont have any stretch marks" but dont they get that i would rather be the size of a house, covered in stretch marks and be holding my Lani. i know they are saying it to be positive and be nice but to be honest i just dont care! so there's my venting!!

hope everyone is going well. I'm on CD 31 did HPT yesterday morning and BFN but still not AF so i guess its still hopeful. i think i didnt get BFP till day 43 with Lani so there is still a chance for this month.

[Katiegirl]

Thanks Simba. I am just so shocked that the most insensitive comments have come from my own brother. My sister had two late mcs as well so it isn't like this is the first time for my family to deal with this. I know he was thinking he was being funny, but it was so off the mark I can't even begin to understand what he was thinking.

[jo76]

firstly ...
I still don't have my AF. Not sure if nature is gonna play a cruel joke and just come late or if i am possible preg and it is too early to show on a test. I could'nt wait and did another Friday which showed a fat neg again so now i am waiting until next fri to test again unless AF pays me another visit. Although if anything happens in the meantime i'll do the drive to mum and dads to jump on their computer and let you all know! DH has'nt picked up on it being late yet, he just wants to DTD, he is having major withdrawal while we are at our friends! MEN! (sorry if TMI... !!!)
Katie - God, i had to re-read your post! I'm not sure what to say about what your brother said, i really can't believe it was said at all. i really hope he does understand the impact his words have had on you but i do hope also you can push through it and focus on what you need to at this time which is you and DH. And i am quite like Simba in that I sometimes find myself saying our baby died and maybe thinking about it it is why people freak out so much and either say the wrong things or nothing at all and i'm not sure what i would prefer! But nonetheless i think it is important for people to know what we lost! So whatever! I am sending you lots of love and many hugs right now as i don't know how i would cope with all that you are. i wish that i had seen your message earlier (again, no house, no computer..hmm...) but i'm not sure what i might have been able to say anyway. Just maybe to send you some cyber hugs and hope that you are ok! I am really happy your OB appointment went so well and he sounds as though he will be amazingly supportive so i think you can put alot of trust in him. I know what you feel like in wanting to get into TTC but see what he says. he sounds so thorough and i love that he will see you so often. i'm not sure what my OB will do in terms of that but i hope he will do similar. I really hope so...i don't think you'll be sick of seeing him! Maybe the other way around! ha ha!
Simba - I too get the "you look so great" comments, i got them so soon after Jack died also by family and work when at the time i could'nt really give a #%@! what i looked like - i did'nt even want to get out of bed! I actually lost a few extra kilos that i did'nt want to because i was'nt sleeping and people were saying how awesome that was also regardless of the stress i was under for it to happen. But for the first time I have a mini jelly belly that i am wearing now with pride.i actually had a customer complain the other day how big she was after the birth of her daughter (she was a size 16) and how much stretch marks she had and told me don't ever have kids, this is what they do to you. I just walked out of the fitting room and ignored her essentially. WHOOPS! But i was like i would take all of that to have jack safely back in my belly!
TM - i hope you are doing ok, i cannot believe all that you are dealing with right now. I hope some positive news comes your way soon in amongst all of this!
barbara - i hope your ok too! You have'nt been on..hope its just because you have been so busy!
take care everyone!
love to all of you!!!!
xxxx jo

[jo76]

sorry that last post was so long!!!!!! I had alot to write!
jo

[Katiegirl]

Thanks everyone. I felt a lot better for typing out my frustration. I agree that it is hard to know how to phrase the line - sometimes I say 'lost' other I say 'late miscarriage' etc. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head - and to keep saying it without maybe realising what he said. Aagghhh. He has always been tactless when joking around, and it has often got people annoyed with him. The thing is he is not good at laughing at himself!

Thankfully his comments did not upset me. If anything it shows his own lack of understanding for others (especially given the death of his wife and all the support my family gave to him and his children). Some people no matter what we say or how much we try to explain will ever understand, that we are grieving the death of our children.

Simba - thanks for the message. So nice to know you all understand.

Jo - my AF is due today and still no sign. My temp took another drop this morning - just one point, so I know AF is on the way. I just wish it would hurry up as for each day it is late just means we get our hopes up. I know there is little if any chance I am preg so I just want AF to come and get the waiting over with. Please do let us know when you test again. I am not even tempted to test, and don't have any here anyway. I guess if AF was not here by Tues I would go out and buy one. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Would be lovely to get a BFP in this group.

Hi to Barbara and TM - hope you are both well.

[Simba]

am a bit lonely tonight DH is away for the weekend. i used to love time to myself - DH is always so full of energy, only stops talking when he is asleep!! the teacher in me often diagnoses him with ADHD!! but now i really struggle to be on my own - too much time to think i guess.

jo - have my for you hopefully at least one of us can have a BFP soon. i have a feeling i am going to want to do another test tomorrow (another one that i'll just have to keep secret from DH!!) dont know what i'd do if one of them came back positive cos i promised him that i wouldnt do any without him knowing!!

[Anthonysmom]

Hi laides - I haven't been around much so I am going to try to catch up now.

Katie - First of all. I don't even know what to say about your brother. His comments make no sense to me. How can anyone (especially a loved one) say such things, even if they are supposed to be a joke. Around Christmas my mother told me that she has been effected too by Anthony's loss. She had to rewrite over half of her Christmas cards. I was stunned, but I am used to me mom saying insensitive things. I hope your brother can understand that he is way out of line. And good luck with your test results. I am glad you love your new OB. I have so happy when mine took tons of tests. IF she didn't I would have never known about my MTHFR gene.

Jo - Has AF shown? I hope not, we need a BFP. ANd yes I have been crazy busy.

Simba - Your story is heartbreaking. I am glad you were able to have 12 lovely days with your precious daughter. I am a teacher also. It was very hard to go back to work. I had just told people at work on Friday that I was pregnant. They were all waiting for my results (we were finding out the sex) We had Monday off and I found out that Anthony had passed on Tuesday. I have found that normalcy comes and goes. As someone once told me there is now a new normal for all of us. It is helpful to see people with similar stories to go on and have healthy babies. You should drop into the pregnancy thread. I love "seeing" the ladies in there. it brings me hope.

TM - I am so sorry about your grandfather. Has AF shown her ugly head? I know good things are around the corner for you.

As for me, busy does not begin to explain it. My life is in total flux. The renovations are going very slow. My contractor is a total jerk and my husband insists we continue to be nice to him. I understnad my DH's point but my apartment is a disaster area and I am ready for the work to be finished. The earliest will now be Tuesday. DH and I had a big blow up about it this morning. As I get closer to my should have been due date I am having less and less good days. Every time I have a cup of coffee or help with bathroom renovations I think that I shouldn't be able to that. I do not know how I will feel in APril. I am worried that all this stress is not good for TTC. I have about a week until I ovulate. sorry about the rant. I am trying to stay positive, but I am just very deflated.

Barbara